Whether we are men or women, we all have masculine and feminine traits inside us. And when it comes to romantic relationships, attraction happens when there is a polarity of these traits between a couple.
I’ve always resonated more with the feminine essence. But in the past, I’ve been in my masculine essence quite a lot as I grew up having to take care of myself all the time.
This ended up affecting my first relationship mostly, as I often ended up taking the lead and trying to fix things while feeling frustrated and that something was missing.
After many years of feeling lost, and when my marriage finally ended, eventually I met a man with whom I experienced what it’s like to be in a real masculine-feminine polarity while being in my feminine essence.
That relationship eventually ended, but what I’ve learned set me on a deeper journey of reconnecting with my feminine essence.
I began to search for lots of learning materials and have read many books on the subject. Even if there is still a lot to learn, my life and relationship with myself and others already improved so much that I feel happier and more alive.
Going with the flow instead of taking control
Being in the feminine essence means being connected in the present moment and with ourselves, instead of strategizing and taking action.
Perhaps this is one of the hardest principles to adhere to, as we have to learn how to trust and let go of control.
But when we learn how to do it, we allow the other person the time and space to show how much they are actually interested in us, and in their own way.
For example, if we often take initiative to hang out and define what to do together, we wouldn’t be able to know if the other person would have taken more initiative by themselves. We might also miss out on the potentially fun ways they might plan dates.
Leaning back might be risky as some people might lose interest, but then if I want someone who is more in his masculine essence and assertively shows his interest, less assertive people losing interest might not be a bad thing.
Flow away if you’re not having fun
One of the most common issues in relationships seems to be how we often wonder if the other person wants to be with us. This might come in the form of a lack of effort or even a lack of actual commitment.
When there’s too little clarity, and we feel unsure of the other person’s interest, we start to feel anxious. But instead of wondering how the other person feels about us, how many of us actually ask ourselves, how do we feel about them instead?
Many women might want to know if the other person wants commitment with them. But how many ask themselves if they actually want to be committed to the other person?
Is the other person really fun to be with? Are you enjoying the time together, or is the other person giving you more anxiety and heartache?
Instead of trying to analyze and fix a situation, what if you simply see it as incompatible with your desires, and that there are better situations where you can enjoy even more?
It might be hard to shift this perspective at first, especially if you have a tendency to overanalyze.
The key to shifting this perspective is to start fantasizing how fun it might be, to actually align yourself toward better situations.
I’ve been guilty of this until I realized how I don’t want the trouble of fixing situations anymore. I started to fantasize about how delicious it is to be shown proper effort, and after a while, any lack of certainty or effort became a turn-off.
Someone who is in their healthier masculine energy would also respond to the feminine energy’s turn off of a situation by figuring out how to fix it. Having experienced this dynamic, I felt much more relaxed and able to trust and feel cared for.
Implementing boundaries in a better way
I stopped trying so hard to analyze and fix issues in any type of relationship. If I don’t like something I would communicate it, but I won’t try so hard to convince the other person of my point nor be available for those situations anymore.
For example, if I’m invited to lunch with a group of friends and they pick a restaurant where they know I might starve (e.g. I don’t eat steaks and the restaurant only serves steaks), I would kindly decline the offer and hope they can enjoy it instead of accepting the offer and feel bad at the restaurant later. This allows others to decide what they’d like to opt for, without having to convince anyone of the value of my company.
I kindly let others know what I’m not available for, but I don’t justify nor try to convince anyone of my perspective.
This is not always easy to do, as there are times I still felt hurt by other people’s decisions. But then I wouldn’t put myself in situations I’d resent later, and I also allow others to decide what they would do.
Resentment is often the result of poorly implemented boundaries. And anger is a part of you that loves yourself enough to get upset with perceived mistreatments.
Communicate after reconnecting to your heart
Learning how to communicate is one of the most important things when it comes to any kind of relationship.
There are many theories around, but I’ve realized that the main key to actually communicating with someone, especially in romantic relationships, is to first of all reconnect to my heart.
Whenever potential conflicts arise, many of us tend to react with a level of defensiveness as we might feel misunderstood or unseen. We start to communicate as if we are against each other when we can actually be on the same team against the problem instead.
Once, I was ready to sleep and I was waiting for my partner to join me. As he was taking some time working on his laptop, I began to feel annoyed, wondering if he was being inconsiderate with me.
As I caught myself spiraling into negative thoughts, I stopped myself and reconnected with my heart by asking, what do I really want from him?
As I realized how I wanted closeness and bonding, instead of talking to him in an upset tone, I just looked at him with longing eyes. It took him a few seconds to close his laptop and respond to my heart’s yearning.
Granted, this is not always easy, and I’m still guilty of less optimal communication. And yet I’ve learned that by first tapping into how I feel and need, and then reconnecting with my heart and my affection for the other person, I can actually establish more closeness instead of conflicts and defensiveness.
Often the other person would also prefer closeness and connection instead. But many of us end up getting defensive as we feel stressed, unsafe or unheard. So when we learn how to communicate from our hearts instead of our minds, we create a safer space that fosters correspondence instead of competition.
Communication that engages our minds can lead to defensiveness, while communication that engages our hearts can lead to connection.
…
Mónica Valverde is a daydreamer navigating the experience of human life. She’s in love with Spirituality, Inner Work and Relationships.
If you find this interesting, feel free to check out other related articles:
4 Important Aspects That Changes Our Perception On Relationships
Behind Strong Attractions — The Magnetic Pull Between Us And Our Wound Counterparts
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
 |
 |
 |
 |
—–
Photo credit: Daniel Clay on Unsplash
