3 (Serious) Relationship Problems You Should Never Ignore

What’s often the topic of discussion between friends who’re committed or married?

I don’t know how and why, but most of my friends only talk about their relationship problems when we meet, and I become their dump box. I often become a “secret keeper” where unknown people come to me and continuously blabber about their relationship pain. I just had one yesterday while commuting in public transit.

Maybe I have that vibe of listening patiently. But, learning from others’ pain, I’ve realized that most relationship problems are common amongst everyone.

Whether you’re in a relationship or not, you know that these serious relationship issues are the least talked about/discussed between couples and mostly shared with friends.

However, I believe no problems are unsolvable; our apprehensions and faulty mindsets prevent us from addressing them. I often wonder that if the complainer’s partner replaces “me” (and listens without judging), wouldn’t that solve their problems?

The best person to talk to about the problems in your relationship is the person you’re in a relationship with.

Nevertheless, I have summed up the most common yet neglected relationship problems, which only worsen later on. Also, I have presented some practical solutions, which I often give to my friends and strangers when they share their issues.

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#1. Money

Finance is the least talked-about topic between couples, live-in partners, or dating individuals. People think it’s a secret to keep for a lifetime due to the fear of being judged or losing their partner.

The game of hiding the “actual” financial status starts from the dating period. Some people dress humbly to hide their overflowing bank balances. Others spend lavishly on expensive dresses but turn out to be the opposite in the end. I am guilty of this “dressing sin” during my college dating days.

If you love someone and they love you too, they won’t judge you based on your financial stability. But if someone earnestly attempts to be with you despite the odds, you must talk about money. It’s understandable if someone doesn’t want to date a person financially lower than them. A harsh reality to accept!

Money can cause a lot of drama in relationships(if not talked about). I have seen couples madly in love drift apart due to keeping financial secrets.

How to deal with it:

• Let go of the fear that your partner will leave you knowing your financial status. If they do, they’re never meant to be your life partner.
• Before jumping to any advanced level of relationships like live-in, exchanging house keys, or getting married, share your debts, income, credit report, pay stubs, insurance policies, investments, etc.
• For males, keep aside your egos and accept that your partner may earn more than you. It’s not a threat to your masculinity!
• Make a joint budget that includes savings from each side.
• Give each other some freedom to spend a specific amount of money at their discretion.
• Talk about a financial plan for respective retired parents if needed.
• Share the responsibilities of who pays for the utilities and the groceries (very important for live-in partners).
• Modify your lifestyle according to the total income of earning partner(s).
• Never discuss finances in anger. Set aside a time when both of you speak up without intimidating one another.

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#2. Home Chores

Everything is fine until you start living together. Habits of one individual might not get along with the other. The most common issue is cleanliness or chores. I have experienced this problem.

When you or your partner is unhappy about the unfinished chores, stress levels and irritation are likely to increase (especially if any one of you has OCD). In a health study presented in American Public Health Association, it was found that,

The top source of stress for committed/married working women was their husbands don’t want to do their share of work in the house.

Gone are the days when men went to work, and women took care of household chores. In the present times, when both men and women are working individuals, it’s a prime responsibility of both of them to do the tasks. Not respecting each other’s priorities/commitments can often lead to frequent brawls and permanent friction in relationships.

How to deal with it:

• Learn about each other’s priorities first. Talk to one another about individual needs and wants. For example, if someone wants the toilet to be cleaned every two or three days, share that desire to have no grumblings or daily aversions.
• Be clear about everything. Paulette Kouffman-Sherman, the author of “Dating From the Inside Out,” says, “write down all the chores and agree on who does what without assuming.”
  Reevaluate. If someone’s not doing their share of work, try to find out the reason for reluctance instead of belittling or pestering. Overcommitting or underestimating their work schedule might be a valid reason for not delivering. So, don’t judge or don’t make a fuss about it.
• Be flexible in your attitude. Everyone has a different way of doing tasks. For example, if you like folding towels in a certain way, then do it yourself. Don’t try to change your partner’s working methods.
• If both of you are too busy to do regular chores like mowing the lawn, ironing the clothes, cleaning the windows, etc., hire a helper instead of draining one another emotionally and physically.
• Discuss your week plan. Every Sunday, make a habit of letting your partner know how your week will look like. Your meetings, work schedule, errands, special occasions, etc. — discuss everything, so you know what to expect from one another.

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#3. Conflict

“Conflicts and friction are a part of every relationship,” psychologist Susan Silverman suggests. There’re insignificant conflicts like verbal disagreements and arguments. Then there are bigger ones — you’re trying to work when your partner wants attention, they check your phone, you choose to go out with your friends, you’re not ready for sex, etc.

Conflicts are dealable only if it’s not a personal attack on anyone’s self-esteem or space. Conflicts tend to escalate invisibly if you fear expressing yourself. Some individuals are codependent on their partners, making it extremely difficult for givers to express their concerns.

How to deal with it:

• Make an actual appointment with each other where you keep away all the distractions like phone, TV, kids, etc., and talk amicably.
• If you think you can’t talk without activating your complaining/aggressive mode, choose a spot like public transit, library, park where you feel embarrassed to raise your voice.
• Make a rule for conflict resolution. Let one another put forth their concerns without interruption.
• If you feel you’re jumping into a “defensive mode” in any resolution discussion, take a bag of marshmallows. Stuff your mouth while your partner is speaking!
• Don’t count each other’s past mistakes. Set this ground rule. It will help you focus on the present issue rather than getting carried away by the past.
• Don’t blame.
• Don’t try to hold your ground. Make efforts to understand your partner’s point of view by putting yourself in their shoes.

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Parting Thoughts

All relationships have some problems or the other. You can never have a relationship without any issue, but you can always make your relationship worth the fight.

Also, your ability and attitude in solving the issues in your relationship define its strength and longevity. Running away from problems, ignoring them, or even using them as a means to break up from your partner is no solution. I would say it’s the worst solution.

Bernajoy Vaal has thought-provoking advice on solving relationship problems:

A relationship is like a house. When a light bulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the light bulb.

So, do something about whatever issues you have in your love life because you get one life and only one chance to make it worthwhile.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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