Marriage is said to be the most difficult job in the world. According to statistics, the divorce rate in Western countries is around 50%. What are the most common signs of a failing marriage, and what are the best ways to deal with them?
Sign #1: You’re Simply Not Attracted
When you think back on why you chose your spouse in the first place, that reason no longer resonates with you. As a result, it appears that your marriage has lost its luster. This is a major indicator of a failing marriage.
Why is this the case?
Loss of attraction is usually due to you as much as it is to your partner. Somewhere along the way, you stopped looking for what you liked about your spouse and stopped noticing all the unique qualities that drew you to them in the first place.
You may have even noticed that the more you focus on the little things that irritate you about them, the more frequently these things appear to occur!
We’re both focusing on what we don’t like about each other and how we don’t want to feel right now.
Every action we take when we are in a triggered emotional state will cause chaos. Instead of clearly communicating an issue that we would like resolved, we blame or accuse our partner to the point where they feel undervalued and begin to wonder why they would want to stay with us.
Complacency is a major relationship killer, and it’s critical to understand that it works both ways. If you don’t take responsibility for how you present yourself in your relationship, you’re equally responsible for it failing.
Sign #2: You Are Not Engaging in Sexual Intimacy
If you are not having sexual intimacy with your spouse, you may be on the verge of a sexless marriage. This obvious sign of a failing marriage occurs more frequently than you might think.
You are not by yourself; 80% of people suffer from the negative effects of sex problems in their relationships, which include:
- Inner vaginal dryness (not just a menopause problem!)
- Orgasmic difficulties (this happens in both male and female partners)
- Ejaculation that occurs too soon
- Sexual dysfunction
- Emotional estrangement (arguments, poor communication, accusations, blame)
- Unwanted sexual practice (fictional sex education)
DISCONNECTION OF EMOTIONS
When it comes to being in a relationship, is it the chicken or the egg? When we are emotionally disconnected from our partner, we may lose interest in connecting sexually. After all, why would we want to engage in an act that symbolizes the ultimate connection if we don’t feel connected to our partner?
It is critical to understand the consequences of cause and effect in order to prevent a marriage from failing. If we avoid sexual intimacy with our partner, he or she may become emotionally distant. Then neither party gets what they desire.
We must address any relationship issues that are triggering us in order to avoid contaminating our relationship with negative thoughts and their negative consequences.
Sex can be one of the most effective ways to disconnect from our minds, reconnect with our bodies, and produce oxytocin (also known as the love hormone) and endorphins. Not only will dealing with our emotions prevent arguments, but it will also lower stress hormones and increase happy hormones.
Deal with both and seek help for any sexual function issues, and you may be surprised at how quickly your libido returns, regardless of your age.
DESIRED SEXUAL TECHNIQUE
In reality, this is at the heart of many sex problems, and it is usually the result of a lack of real-life sex education. If we were fortunate enough to receive any sex education, we were taught only safety, not technique. This is why there are so many cases of sexual dysfunction.
How do you know what you need to change if you don’t have the correct knowledge to reference your problem against? Most sexual challenges, in my experience working with thousands of men, women, and couples, stem from incorrect sexual imprinting or focusing on the wrong action at the wrong time.
Most of us get our “real-life” sex education from porn or romance novels, which contain unrealistic scenarios, when it comes to unwanted sexual techniques.
There is a lot of guesswork involved in sex, and because it is a taboo subject, our sexual education is mostly based on trial and error. This can lead to sexual failure because we never learn how to balance our sexual focus correctly during foreplay, penetration, and intercourse so that sex can be mutually fulfilling.
HOW TO START A HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL SEX LIFE
Unresolved sexual issues erode your confidence and self-esteem, as well as the very fabric that holds your marriage together. Don’t wait until something major goes wrong in your marriage before addressing sex issues, as they are usually resolvable with the right knowledge and technique.
Have an open and honest conversation with your partner to determine what is desired and unwanted, and then work together to resolve the issues, seeking expert assistance if necessary.
Sign #3: You Lack a Shared Vision
Having a shared vision provides motivation for dealing with issues in your relationship. When you know how you want to feel, what you want your relationship to look like, and what you want to achieve (and your partner shares this vision), it is much easier to realign yourself during disagreements or life challenges.
Without that shared vision, your marriage may be jeopardized.
How to Create a Common Vision
Instead of constantly rehashing and reliving what you don’t want, it’s important to gain some perspective on what you both want and how you want to move forward together.
So, set aside 15 minutes, turn off all distractions, and complete the following exercise together.
Define what goals you have in life, create a bucket list, create a vision board, create a values list. Become clear on where you are, where you want to go, and why you want to head in that direction. Find similarities in each of your answers and commit to helping each other reach those goals. Clarity and communication is key.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Sandy Millar on Unsplash
