After being in an actual relationship for a full month after multiple years of single-girlhood, I’ve learned that my ex-husband-to-be programmed me to be the most anxiously attached anyone could possibly be.
I tried to be “the cool girlfriend” but after about a week, that backfired on me and I became the overly cool girlfriend. In the last month I have learned 3 things that will probably keep me sane, and keep my relationship strong.
When you’re feeling insecure, say it out loud.
Say those exact words, “I’m feeling insecure about…” and watch how the reaction will change from I’m being accused to I need to fix this. I realized in a night out with his boys, when he didn’t text me back at 11 pm, I was feeling like maybe he wasn’t interested in me and maybe his likes the single life better — when in reality — he was hanging out with his boys and nothing more.
“I get insecure when you say you’re going to message me and you don’t.” Turned what could have been an hour long argument into a 5 minute conversation about when he drinks, he likes to put his phone in the car because he tends to put it on tables and will lose it.
I know we’re not teenagers anymore and to some, this may seem childish, but I understood. And it was a quick explanation to lack of responses after shot #3.
Not everything is about you.
When he’s in a bad mood or just not his usual self, I find myself reaching for an answer to something I did not cause. Instead, I can be a comfort to what should be instead of what is. At the end of the day, I did nothing and the mood isn’t based off of something that I could control.
This took a lot of bad moods to learn. And often those bad moods get better within minutes, but by just letting him vent and allowing myself to be a space of comfort and a reminder of joy — rather than placing myself in the situation and adding to the tension — is a lesson I didn’t think I needed.
Ask for reassurance if you need it.
After our first disagreement, before we hung up the phone I did something I’ve never done before. I told him I needed him to reassure me that everything will be fine and that this is just a bump in the road. And he did that and more.
The old saying “ask and you shall receive,” has never made more sense. At first, I didn’t think I would receive the reassurance. But after asking for what I needed, I found that my needs will get met.
I don’t find myself asking for reassurance often from him. Just when things feel weird and the only time they felt weird was that one time.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Mohamed Ziyaadh on Unsplash
