3 Steps on How to Be Detached in Relationships-And Why It's Important

In the past, I used to feel confused about the popular advice of being detached when it comes to relationships. It often felt like either empty advice (just focused on the why and not the practical how), or a list of to-dos to be memorized and used to manipulate situations (so that the other person chases us back).

After having gone through a hard breakup, I really struggled to learn how to detach, even if I knew I should.

But after a long journey, I could finally begin to understand how detachment can really work.

First of all, the key to my own process of detachment is embodiment. To detach authentically, I have to integrate it within my energy and inner world, instead of resorting to faking it until I make it.

It hasn’t been always easy, but only this way I could truly progress in the long run.

1st step: reconnect with my shadows and inner desires

Some time ago, I went through a really hard relationship which culminated in a harsh, unexpected breakup. It really triggered my abandonment wounds and for a while, I was lost and in pain.

What actually healed a big part of it was to give myself the time and space to just be with it. I would allow myself to fully feel and acknowledge the fears, anxiety and hurt that would overwhelm me, surrendering to the pain that was there. I allowed myself to remember all the memories that would come up, and cry and mourn whenever I needed to.

It wasn’t my intention to stay suffering. I surrendered to all of it so that I could see clearer, and see through all of it.

Over time, I got clarity on what I really needed deep inside that was not met, and felt compassion for myself.

“the best way out is always through” — Robert Frost

It was a really hard inner work process, but I began to see clearly how my own abandonment wounds manifested. And because I was not afraid of facing them anymore, they started to lose power over me.

I became much less anxious about losing someone, even if it can still be hard. And because I saw the validity of my own needs, my standards simply raised and detaching became easier for me.

For example, I no longer go after someone if a person chooses to walk away from my life, even if it still hurts.

Instead of doing it out of pride and manipulation, I do it because I could accept and surrender to the situation. I could really feel it inside of me, and not just because it made sense logically.

What happened after is that I no longer attracted people who would abandon me at whim. Rather, I became someone for who the other person would care and know the value of our connection.

Embracing our shadows and doing the inner work is the foundation for a real embodiment because all the darkness and pain inside us that are not integrated actually contribute to more attachment and manifest more situations that trigger our wounds.

2nd step: treating myself as the inner Queen that I am

I never really understood why people would suggest that others should date themselves before having relationships, until recently.

Even if I would often pamper and take care of myself, I often settled for less good treatments just because they were for myself. And because I needed to save more money last year, I became even more frugal with myself.

However, I realized how much of a negative impact this frugality can have, as it started to spread to other areas of my life including relationships, when it comes to the standards I’d settle for.

“How you do anything is how you do everything” — Martha Beck

So around a week ago, I started to treat myself better again. I ate out at nice places, took Uber when it was more convenient, and pampered myself with decently prepared food at home. I also bought myself face masks, had beauty rituals and adorned myself properly with nice clothing and jewelry.

My mindset shifted, from “I could settle with this cheaper alternative right now, to save an extra euro”, to “I deserve to be pampered and experience more enjoyment”.

I no longer tried to convince myself out of my desires and standards. And because of that, my standards for what I accept for myself have been raised.

As my mind shifted back from scarcity to abundance, I feel less attached to specific outcomes. I no longer need anyone to provide me specifically, as I feel abundant that what I desire can come to me through many sources.

And what has been happening recently is that I’ve been attracting more gifts and care from others.

And the more I can stay grounded in myself, the more I actually magnetize.

3rd step: understanding my own desires and their manifestations

One of my struggles has been to learn how to focus back on myself. I used to enjoy life and have my own space, but after having had my abandonment wounds triggered in the past, I’ve lost myself for quite a long time.

Because of fear and scarcity, I became so attached to a specific person that I abandoned myself, along with all the other possible sources my desires could manifest from.

But then I started to shift bits of my perspective. For example, instead of worrying about what the other person might feel about me, I began to pay more attention to how I actually felt about him.

I began to tap into what I really desired, and reconnect to how much fun it can be, to imagine all the possibilities my desires can come true. I began to detach my focus on anyone specific, as I became more open to different possible sources of manifestation.

Reexperiencing the fun and excitement of fantasizing about my desires and their possible manifestations led me to feel less attachment to specific people and outcomes.

And since my manifestations have been working in ways I can’t even predict, but consistently, I feel more and more confident in letting go of control and trusting that my desires get to be manifested in some way or another, in ways most aligned with my energy.

…

Mónica Valverde is a daydreamer navigating the experience of human life. She’s in love with Spirituality, Inner Work and Relationships.

If you find this interesting, feel free to check out other related articles:

3 Feminine Principles That Improved My Relationships

How to Manifest What We Desire While Enjoying the Process

Manifesting Through Our Masculine and Feminine Essences

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***