Last month, I turned the big 3–0.
I stepped into the new decade equipped with lessons from the hurdles of my 20s outlined here as a note to self more than anything.
Never regret the fight you fought when you thought it was love. Hindsight will make you feel very small and very stupid at times. But remember you believed in love, and you believed that’s what you were experiencing. If things had turned out differently, you’d celebrate the risks you took and sacrifices you made, but the outcome was beyond your control. Celebrate your courage.
- Love is an easy target for manipulation and exploitation. If you love your craft so much you’d “do it for free”, someone will try to lowball you. Consciously or not, someone will walk all over you because they know your love will keep you around.
- Give people a chance to change …but don’t hold your breath. You don’t have to stick around for anyone to change, but a swift “Block and Delete” isn’t always warranted. Relationships evolve; give them space to grow — closer together or further apart. C’est la vie
- Most people have no idea what they’re doing — as leaders, lovers, and in life at large. Most people also need therapy — but those who need it the most are least likely to get it.
- Don’t stop believing… in people. Don’t rob the next person of your love, trust, kindness, or your loyalty because you previously left the right package at the wrong door at the wrong time. Wouldn’t that just mean you were robbed by the last person?
- Don’t wait to be chosen, actively choose your winning team. Make choices based on character, not convenience. Sit in the driver’s seat of your life.
- Go where you are loved. Don’t pledge allegiance to people, countries, or spaces that do not love you back. If this means dating outside your race or living outside your hometown. Do it. Pour into those pouring into you. Reciprocation prevents resentment.
- Shift focus from romance. Instead of wondering if the person you met 30 minutes ago could be your “forever”, how about focusing on fun with friends? After all, mutual friends are still the #1-way people are meeting their spouses.
- Be a good friend. Friends are harder to make as we get older. Cherish the friends you have; make them feel special. Plan a birthday surprise, send a handwritten note, never show up to their home empty-handed, do the dishes when you stop by, give your undivided attention. We all have a lot going on, so putting yourself aside to be there for others sometimes goes a long way.
- Not all friends are for all things. They might not pick up the tab at dinner, but they might stick by your side on their hands and knees when you get a flat tire at 3 o’clock in the morning.
- True friendships are the spice of life. Ah, to be in your 20s, with more confidence than you had in high school, more money than you had in college, and fewer kids than you’ll ever have (for most of us, zero). With the right crew… hello, minister of enjoyment.
- Explore the earth. Travel. Not only internationally but even around your neighborhood. Make a social event out of it. Split the cost among the group and rent a car for a day to just see things.
- Explore your body. The body keeps score. It preserves feelings from memories you cannot recall. Get to know how you truly feel in the absence of vices e.g. food, sex, alcohol (even calling a friend can be a vice). Clear your mind to explore where you feel different emotions in your body.
- Explore your values. Get to know your spirit. Deeply understand your preferences and boundaries. For every action you take, know your Why. Why are you posting that video? Are you hoping this one person sees how “fun” you are? Why do you keep rescheduling brunch? Are you avoiding spending time with someone who actually drains you?
- What you hate most about a person is often a reflection of something you hate about yourself. I used to hate when colleagues left work “early” (on time) while I burned the midnight oil. What I truly hated was the fact that they had boundaries and I did not.
- All demons/ insecurities must be healed from within. No bodybuilding completion, surgery, or diet pill can address disordered eating in the way therapy and mindfulness will.
- Few things escape us forever like time is once it’s passed. Spend a little extra to live out experiences. You can earn the money back, but your youth is on a one-way street toward the grave. (Morbid, I know).
- Life goes on for the living. Both natural and senseless death surrounds us every day. Soon enough you’re expected to go back to work. To “be normal”. On the bright side, you’re here, you’re alive — live.
- Try new things. You might be yet to discover your happiness on the other side of trying something new.
- Your body will change — it’s a living organism. Your physique will go through phases; leaner or bulkier, acne, or clear skin. Your psyche will change too. You might gain confidence that makes you more outspoken and extroverted or thoughtful and introverted. Embrace it.
- Those who benefited from you being down will have a visceral reaction to you rising up. It will be confusing because they spoke for you when you didn’t have a voice or led the way when you didn’t know where to go. Soon you’ll learn it was never to benefit you, it was to control you.
- The more you judge others, the harder you fear being judged.
- Your values are yours, not everyone else’s. Just because you wouldn’t post nudes as a mom doesn’t mean the Kardashians are wrong for doing it. They are just different from you.
- Write your own handbook for life. No one has lived the life your life before. No one ever will. Write your handbook based on your values, molded by your core beliefs and tested by life’s experiences. Whenever you need guidance, start there.
- Always negotiate. Ask, and ask nicely. I negotiated for $100 off my rent the first year, and a month free the second year. I probably get turned down 90% of the time, but it feels like I always win — by asking.
- Stay ready so you don’t have to get ready. Years ago at a networking event, the speaker advised that “if you’re a writer, write”. Be ready with something to show. Learn how to cook in advance of any potluck invitations, keep a tidy space to avoid scrambling when a friend drops by.
- Advice is not a command. If you find yourself getting upset by someone not taking your advice, check your ego. You can’t make anyone do anything. No one can make you either. Everyone has their tipping point.
- Alcohol escalates real quick. It can go from fun to fatal before the fun ever stops. Blackouts aren’t wild or funny like in the movies, I promise. They are wild and regretful at best. Most times if you scratch the surface, you’ll find some unaddressed emotions bubbling underneath.
- There is a world order… and you can disrupt it. Before moving to LA, my friend warned me about dating: “Black guys here aren’t checking for dark skin, especially with natural hair.”That was her truth, which could likely be statistically proven. My truth is that I’ve never dated as many black men as I have while living in LA. But maybe I’m an outlier. Be an outlier. If you “know how the story goes,” you’ll never pick up the pen to write your own narrative.
- Life has no rhyme or reason. People half your age might make twice your salary. You might plan to uproot and move to Australia only for the world to get plagued by a pandemic. Life just be life-ing.
- Don’t ever give up on life. When people do you dirty and life deals you a shit hand, when you feel you’re at absolute rock bottom, don’t give up on life.
“With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world… Strive to be happy.” — Desiderata* by Max Ehrmann ©1927
*A poem I’ve had hanging in each of my living spaces since about age 7 .
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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