I just celebrated my 33rd anniversary. Yay me! And also him of course. Our relationship is far from perfect and we will be evolving and learning until the day one of us dies. But I have learned a lesson or two over the years. Here are the top 33.
Kissing habits are a relationship bellwether
When a relationship is new and strong you kiss frequently.
Then comes a day when you realize you don’t bother anymore. They walk in the door and you don’t stop what you are doing to greet them and they don’t come to seek you out. When this happens once no big deal, but regularly is a warning sign.
Don’t do what I did once years ago and decide to stop initiating kisses as a sort of test to see if he would pick up the slack. I seethed with each missed kiss. It was as if there was a growing crack in the concrete of our relationship and rather than examining things to see what was causing the split and trying to repair it or reinforce the foundation, I was taking a wedge and hammering it into the crack to test whether I could split it wide open.
Instead, you should both be all in on a kissing ritual in good times and bad. When you slip or find yourself not wanting to bother, figure out why. Fix it.
Have separate hobbies and together hobbies
You need some space to be apart to appreciate being together. Each of you should find your own activities that relax and recharge you. You should also have some things you enjoy together. Be creative.
Never belittle their interests
How your partner spends their downtime is not your choice. If one person’s hobby becomes unaffordable or is taking so much time you feel neglected open a conversation gently. The problem isn’t the hobby. It’s making sure everyone’s needs are met.
Talk about your values
What we say we value and what our actions show we value often don’t overlap. In a strong relationship, you will be regularly checking to see if your actions match your desired values both as individuals and as a team. The greater the overlap the stronger the relationship.
Figuring out your values doesn’t have to be an intense conversation. Pose hypothetical money or time questions: “What would you do if you had Bill Gates kind of money?”, “If our income somehow doubled overnight what changes do you think we’d make?”, “If we could cut our work hours in half without any loss of income what would we do with the free time.
Always examine yourself first
If you think there is a big mismatch in stated values and lived values in your partner, start the conversation with yourself.
“You know, I’ve realized I say I care about x but I do y.” Or move it into the we. “We say x is important but I don’t think our actions show it.”
Don’t say “we” when you really mean “you”. Be ready to own your part of any situation.
Discuss attitudes about money
Fighting about money is common. Understanding and aligning your values will sort a lot of money issues out automatically. Often one partner finds it easier to spend and the other easier to save. When these come into conflict look back at your values.
Be generous with genuine compliments
Over time you get used to each other. Why does it all need to be said again? you may wonder.
When my kids were little, I often made piñatas for their birthday parties. I would blow up a balloon then carefully layer on the papier-mâché strips, building it up slowly over several days to allow time to dry in between layers. Over time I perfected the number of layers. Too few and the piñata would break before all party guests had a turn. Too many and the darn thing was nearly impossible to break.
Compliments and other positive interactions are the papier-mâché strips laid on one by one over the years strengthening the relationship so when the inevitable bats of life start swinging you don’t immediately crumble.
The trick is compliments have to be genuine. “You look beautiful today,” is going to do damage if you say it every single day without bothering to look up from your phone. Seeking ways to compliment your partner is a win-win. It trains you to look for positives and makes your partner feel good. That’s a powerful adhesive.
Travel together
New experiences breathe fresh air into old relationships. Travel is a great way to shake up your routines and give you something new to talk about. Most of our best conversations over three-plus decades of marriage have happened while on vacation.
Have some mutual friends
Enjoying time together with friends is another way to keep things fresh. Don’t restrict yourself to couple friends. Conversational threesomes can be even better than an outing with another couple where you end up in two parallel but essentially separate interactions.
Have your own friends
Maybe your spouse is your best friend but expecting one person to meet all your social needs is a risky proposition. It’s healthy to spend time socially without your partner.
It’s all about balance. Someone trying to stop you from having other friends is a huge red flag. On the other hand, if all your time or emotion is spent with friends and not your partner you better do some soul searching.
Take responsibility quickly: assign blame slowly
When things go wrong it’s easy to start pointing fingers. Head down this road and all your energy gets spent fighting each other with little left over for tackling the problem.
Pulling out of this spiral is the biggest challenge of my marriage. When I recognize we are there, I take a deep breath and start admitting my own areas of responsibility. Often this stops the downward track cold as my spouse admits his areas of fault too.
But occasionally one of us blows right past the other’s admission of partial responsibility or even worse agrees and amplifies. “Yes, you’re right. And also you did this wrong.” You might as well set off a nuclear bomb.
Stopping the escalation is a difficult and important skill. Table your rage for a moment and pull the conversation back to problem-solving. Wait until you are both calmer to come back to the issues of preventing the problem in the future and addressing the issues of feeling attacked.
Be a team facing the world together
When problems arise, and they will, you want to be a team facing the world together. This is especially true when it comes to family. If your mom is attacking your partner you need to have their back.
Nurture a healthy sex life
Even the most passionate of relationships is going to fall into ruts and patterns eventually. Physical connection is important to keep your relationship solid. I’m not here to give you creative sex tips. There is an entire internet full of ideas although use caution surfing.
Sex is no different than any other topic in this list. Communication is important. Don’t assume your needs and desires are automatically understood. Touch, talk, and talk about touching to keep the sparks flying.
Laugh together
Laugh together as often as possible. Seek out the funny and embrace the absurd. Make sure you are laughing together and not at each other. Jokes at the other person’s expense tear down instead of build-up. Never use your partner to score cheap laughs from others.
Cry together
There will be times one of you needs to cry while the other comforts you. Maybe one of you is more prone to full-on waterworks and the other cries inside but you both should be vulnerable with each other and share your sorrows.
Sometimes you will cry together. My greatest source of comfort at my father’s funeral was my partner sitting in the pew next to me crying every bit as hard as I was.
Try new things
One of the hardest parts of lockdown for me and my spouse was the crushing sameness of it all. There were no new restaurants to try or new places to explore. Thank God for the internet and new board games. New experiences breathe novelty in a well-established relationship and keep us on our toes.
Embrace helpful habits
The flip side of new things is recognizing the well-established patterns that work for you. Attending church together is one we like. Maybe for you, it’s dinner with your best friends every fortnight. Does he always bring you a cup of tea while you are working on bills. Do you always make the coffee exactly the way he prefers? Lean into these habits.
Both give 100%
It’s a cliche for a reason. Marriage isn’t 50/50. You both need to be all in.
Pay attention to warning signs
When your gut is trying to tell you something is wrong, listen. Maybe you are in one of those natural slumps all relationships suffer from time to time. Bouncing back may not happen automatically. What can you do to move back in a positive direction?
You can only change yourself
If you tell yourself your relationship would be perfect if only your parent would do or stop doing X, you are in deep trouble. You have the power to change your own actions or how you respond to your partner’s actions. You never have the power to change them.
You don’t need to take abuse
Patience is one thing. Abuse is another. If your partner is crossing the line stand up. There are worse things than divorce.
Respect each other
I was the main breadwinner for three years. The other thirty my spouse has carried me as his income far surpassed mine. Whoever has paid the bills we have always respected the time, dreams, job, and volunteer positions of the other person. No one is boss. We are a team.
Listen
If your spouse is speaking, listen and try to understand. Ask clarifying questions. Listen to body language and actions as well. Spend time doing nothing but listening. Get a dog that you walk together every day and use this time to focus on each other.
Go to bed angry
Sometimes it’s better to sleep on things and consider them fresh in the morning. You don’t want to walk away from every fight or uncomfortable discussion and leave it hanging but it’s okay to say, “I’m too angry/tired to talk right now. Let’s discuss this in an hour/tomorrow.”
Reject perfectionism
You are a flawed person and so is your partner. Expecting anything else is a sure-fire path to disappointment and resentment.
Create good memories together
When we attend a wedding these days we always give a gift of cash with the following note, “Use this money any way you wish but we hope you will consider using it for some fun activity together. When tough times come, and we promise you they will come, it always helps us to have happy memories to look back on and remember together.”
Spend time and money creating memories. Don’t just coast on the old ones but keep adding new ones to build up a solid bank.
Reminisce
The stories we tell ourselves can make or break a relationship. Bring up the happy stories from your past together. Remember the rocky times and how you came through them. Focus on the ways you’ve worked together and enjoyed each other in the past.
You should each consider yourself lucky to have married the other
I’m pretty sure I married above my league and my spouse thinks he did too. This is the way it should be.
Tone matters
How you say things is almost as important as what you say. When you realize your tone is harmful, stop, correct, and apologize if necessary. On the flip side, if you don’t like your spouse’s tone consider where it may be coming from.
Show love the way that matters to your partner
I naturally show love with words, my partner with actions. Even after years, this can lead to hurt feelings if we aren’t careful. I need to use both my natural love language and his if I want him to feel loved and me to feel loving. He needs to do the same for me.
State your needs and desires
Did you marry a mind reader? Nope, me neither. When it is important to me I need to be explicit. It’s much better to say, “I’m overwhelmed and I just need a few hours alone with this book,” than to stay silent until you explore with “Stop asking me stupid questions. Can’t you see I’m trying to read.”
Discuss the future
Dream about where you are going together. What are your goals and hopes? How can you get there together? A healthy long-term relationship will include plenty of time spent in the past, present, and future.
It’s all about balance
If you want control over every aspect of your life don’t get married. There will be compromise. The key is communication and balance. If it feels like there are winners and losers in your relationship, you are both losing.
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Previously Published on medium
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