What would you say is the most common turnoff in a relationship?
Loud snoring that keeps you awake at night?
Nose picking?
Jealousy?
Well… you would be wrong.
According to a study published in Evolutionary Psychology, two of the main difficulties in a relationship are clinginess and lack of personal space.
Most of us have been guilty of doing this before, especially in a new relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement and want to spend every moment with your partner.
But the reality is too much is… too much.
As the relationship progresses, this clinginess can further drive a wedge between you and run the risk of destroying your relationship.
Here’s why it’s a huge problem.
You Don’t Give Them a Chance To Miss You
A little bit cliché, maybe? Definitely. But it’s true! If you want to be by someone’s side at every chance you can get, then that doesn’t leave much time for them to miss your presence.
What can happen in this situation is you actually end up merging into one. Eventually, you won’t be able to tell what you like and dislike anymore, since you’ve become one person rather than two individuals.
If you want to improve your relationship, give them some space. Take a step back to spend time with your friends and family. Allow yourself time to miss each other.
I promise you won’t forget what your partner looks like.
They Feel Restricted
When you expect your partner to spend most of their free time with you, you’re actually depriving them of all of the other things they’d like to do.
It’s wrong to assume that your partner will only ever want to spend time with you. They had a life outside of you before you met, and they still do.
They’re not going to give up the things they know and love, and you shouldn’t expect them to.
Going out and doing activities together is great, but not if its all of the time.
For your relationship to work, you have to stop suffocating them. There will be times when they’ll want to meet friends alone or go for a walk by themselves. Let them do that without feeling guilty.
You Hurt Yourself in the Process
By clinging on to your partner you’re not just making things harder for them — you’re making it harder for you.
Putting your entire happiness into one person is unhealthy and will often leave you feeling deprived and rejected.
Your partner can’t be everything you want them to be. They are their own person, with their own interests and hobbies.
Sooner or later, they will choose something or someone over spending time with you. And you’ll get your feelings hurt.
Taking some time apart from your partner can be a difficult adjustment, but it’s important for your mental health. You need to figure out who you are without them.
They Feel Like They Are Letting You Down
If your partner thinks twice before going out without you, or feels immediately guilty when they leave, then that’s a problem.
No one should feel guilty for wanting to be alone or simply spending some time with other people. It’s a completely normal thing and it should be treated as such.
The problem is this is a common relationship problem. And it usually says more about you than your relationship.
To help your relationship, you have to help yourself first. You have to get to the root cause of your clinginess.
There are some studies to suggest that clinginess is often rooted in childhood and past relationships. Perhaps you felt you were always lacking attention as a child, and this has carried through into adult life.
I understand, as I’ve experienced this myself. It’s very hard to break out of this self-sabotaging habit.
The first step is to acknowledge it and to accept that you need to change your behaviour. It can’t go on because you will be hurting yourself and your partner.
Therapy can be really helpful. Alongside that, talk to your partner about it and help them to understand that you are trying to change.
Have you experienced clinginess in a relationship? What did you do about it?
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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