5 Differences Between Codependent and Interdependent Relationships

The society we live in talks about dependency as if it’s something we should always avoid. We idolize those who keep their independence intact and we make fun of those who are too dependent.

The truth is, extremes are never healthy, but there’s a middle ground between them. That middle ground is interdependence.

Interdependent relationships allow you to be yourself and express your individuality while making you feel like you have a secure base, so that you know you have someone who’s there to support you every step of the way.

There’s space for vulnerability because both people create space for it. There’s space for honesty and affection because nobody’s worried about being controlled or getting lost in the relationship.

Most importantly, each person meets their own needs and is responsible for their own emotions.

As someone who used to have codependent traits and is now in a secure, interdependent relationship, I can clearly see how unhealthy and damaging my codependent patterns were.

These are the main differences I’ve noticed.

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1. Codependent relationships don’t give you the space to explore your sense of self

Codependency comes from living in an enmeshed family that doesn’t recognize your right to your individuality.

When your space is not respected and your boundaries are constantly violated, your focus begins to shift. You stop thinking about your own needs and wants because you live in an environment where they don’t matter.

As a consequence, you seek your worth through others. You search for answers outside of yourself — which leads you to unhealthy relationships, since you don’t trust your own intuition to tell you who’s toxic and who’s good for you.
On the other hand, an interdependent relationship allows you to establish a firm sense of self through exploring your own interests. You feel free to follow your instincts and develop your full potential.

2. In codependency you need your partner, in interdependence you want them

When you have no sense of self, you rely on your partner to give you the reassurance you need to feel good.

You need them to tell you that you’re beautiful. You need them to tell you they love you. You need them to be available all the time. Essentially, you need them to meet your own needs.

Whereas in an interdependent dynamic, everything feels natural and secure. You know who you are and you’re confident in your worth. You don’t expect your partner do to anything — you accept them as they are, which makes them feel safe about expressing their love for you.

You don’t need them to tell you they love you not only because you feel their love for you all the time, but also because you love yourself regardless of their feelings for you.

“Since interdependent couples are in charge of their lives and fulfilling their own significance, they come from an empowered place of wanting their partner, not needing them, which allows them to bring their highest selves to the table. As a result, the partnership feels stabilizing and secure.”

Julie Nguyen, in Codependency vs. Interdependence: The Difference Can Make Or Break Your Relationship

3. In interdependent relationships, you hold space for each other’s emotions

It’s very common for us to project past wounds onto other people, specially onto our partner. In fact, codependent relationships are characterized by the unconscious projection of our own fears and insecurities.

On the other hand, interdependence recognizes the emotions of each individuals without taking anything personally. When your partner is jealous or insecure, you’re there for them and you give them the reassurance they need while giving them the space to process their own emotions.

Besides, you both know you’re responsible for your own past traumas and wounds. You recognize them when they come up to the surface and you work through them in order to let them go — together and individually.

This level of empathy and understanding is a great foundation for a beautiful, loving relationship that supports the growth and healing of both of you.

4. Limited love versus limitless love

In a codependent relationship, the main feeling is I love me if you love me — which means the love you feel for one another is limited.

This type of love can never be stable because its foundation is not stable to begin with. Instead, it’s rooted in fear. It has limits and conditions.

That’s not what happens in interdependent relationships. Interdependence involves loving yourself and another person at the same time, and the love you feel for each other is as authentic as it could possibly be. You love each other regardless of obstacles, disagreements or circumstances.

5. Paradoxically, interdependence requires two people capable of autonomy

This is called The Dependency Paradox: when dependence leads to independence.

Knowing that you have a secure base — someone who’ll catch you if you ever feel like falling — gives you the confidence you need to do your own thing and pursue you own passions.

This is exactly how I feel about my relationship. I’ve grown more than ever before since we’re together, and that’s because I know he has my back no matter what happens. I know I can be myself and explore new interests because if things ever go wrong, he’s right there by my side.

“When couples love each other, it’s normal to feel attached, to desire closeness, to be concerned for each another, and to depend upon each other. Their lives are intertwined, and they’re affected by and need each other. However, they share power equally and take responsibility for their own feelings, actions, and contributions to the relationship.”

Darlene Lancer, in Codependency vs Interdependence

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Codependency is much more common than we think. From anxiety to fear of abandonment, many of us carry wounds and fears from past relationships that deeply affect our lives.

Interdependence doesn’t occur overnight. It takes an incredible amount of courage to be honest with yourself and face the fears you’ve been trying to ignore, and it takes even more courage to relearn new patterns.

But it’s worth it, because loving and being loved is priceless.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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