About 23 months ago, I was in a relationship that could be best described as an “abusive relationship.” It was one of the most terrible experiences I have ever had in my life. I always try whatever I could do to make the relationship work, to make my girlfriend happy, and satisfied.
But I ended up being a tool she controls and manipulates as she pleases. Whatever I do always go unappreciated. It even got to a time when I will apologize even when she offends and hurts me. It was then that I knew that our relationship is headed to the dumps. But as a lover boy, I decided to fight for my love by looking for answers to save an already crumbling relationship. And it never stopped things from falling apart.
After things fell apart, I started looking for how to get over a failed relationship and as I struggled through the heartbreak and heartache of which I eventually pulled through, I analyzed my previous relationships and that of people around me and have come to understand some things along the way — things about love and how to think and go about it in relationships.
To be specific, I now have a better understanding of why I kept failing at love and the things I should avoid to transform my love life.
So, if you’re also struggling with love and romantic relationships, here are 5 things about love you should know that’ll help you navigate relationships better:
#1. We all don’t have the same capacity to love.
It’s easy to believe that you’ll be loved in the same capacity and manner that you love someone simply because they make you believe that they love you in return. But that isn’t always true.
Because having the mindset that your significant other will be willing to put their lives at risk and pay whatever price for the love of you just as you would do for them, any time, any day, will only leave you heartbroken.
For sure, it’s normal and natural to expect to be loved fiercely in return, in the same manner, and capacity that you do or even more than you do. But what happens when such an expectation isn’t met?
Swimming in the pool of such an expectation left me thinking that I’m unlovable and don’t deserve to be truly loved since I fiercely put in my all to love people in every relationship I found myself in but never got as half of what I invested back.
But the truth, however, is that not everyone has the same capacity to love. Not everyone will be willing to put their lives at stake or go against the world for you as you would do. And this doesn’t mean they don’t love you either. They just don’t have the capacity to love you as you love them.
Because when you make peace with this, you’ll save yourself a lot of heart breaks and disappointments.
That’s why whenever you find yourself in such a situation, you should be proud instead that you can love with such intensity which they can’t.
#2. Love is way beyond feelings.
When you find yourself in a relationship with a special someone, it’s easy to be overwhelmed by some exhilarating, ecstatic, warm, tender feelings. And calling these feelings love might eventually leave you stuck in an unhappy relationship.
In essence, just because you have some of the juiciest, thrilling, ecstatic, warm, and tender feelings for your significant other doesn’t define your love whatsoever for your partner. It might just be that you’re infatuated, preoccupied, or even obsessed with him or her.
For sure, it’s normal and natural to feel deeply for your partner. Besides, such feelings makes it easy to think of one romantically and even nudge the possibility of a romantic affair.
But the problem? Believing in emotional cues as the only indication of love might cause you lots of pain.
That was why I couldn’t get myself to walk away from my previous hurtful relationship as I used my feelings for my ex-girlfriend as an excuse to hold on, because I thought of those feelings as love. But it shouldn’t be that way.
Because the truth is love is way beyond feelings. It’s a decision, a choice, it’s an act of the will, it’s intentional, and no, it doesn’t just happen. It’s when you decide to put in hard, loving, endeavors of commitment to walk through life at a particular period of time with someone.
This means, you can decide not to when it doesn’t feel right irrespective of how you feel about that person.
Besides, relationships that are built on the basis of feelings only make up for immature relationships where each of the parties involved are susceptible to “not feeling it” someday, leaving the other person going through a lot because he or she still “feels it.”
That’s why you should always think of love as an intentional and deliberate activity so if someone isn’t really willing to make the active decision and series of endeavors, investments, efforts, and actions to make things work out, you’ll easily decide to walk away and let them be.
#3. Love isn’t always enough.
Love is always what brings two people together but it’s definitely not what keeps them together in a long run. And so many marriages and relationships breakups are attributed to the ignorance of this fact.
In this day and time, many people simply hold on to this hyperbolic belief that “Love conquers all” hence, they adopt this notion that everything will work out fine as long as they love their significant others enough. But on the contrary, counting on love to make up for or fix all the hardships, imbalances, and incompatibilities in any relationship is the perfect recipe for unhappiness.
Love alone can not maintain a strong and healthy relationship because love does not conquer all. For a relationship to stand the test of time, it needs to be rooted in the fundamental pillars of healthy relationships.
That’s why you shouldn’t even think of marrying someone or staying in an unhappy relationship simply because you’re in love. There’s so much more than love in every successful relationship.
Relationships take time, that’s why love is not always enough. Respect and understanding of each other’s needs and individuality win where love fails.
#4. Don’t lose yourself trying to please your partner in the name of love.
“Love your partner fiercely, but never lose yourself in a relationship.”
I forget where I heard this exact piece of advice, but it makes a lot of sense to me.
There’s a difference between putting in all possible efforts to create a healthy and happy relationship and losing yourself entirely in a relationship simply because you want to please your partner, which often stems from deep-seated insecurity.
When I talk about losing one’s self in a relationship, I’m talking about justifying, accommodating, and compromising excessively.
To be specific, I’m talking about accommodating people because you want to be liked and don’t want to be rejected. Justifying lousy behaviors because you’re afraid of being single. And compromising your values and expectations because you simply want someone in your life.
And this often leaves most people wondering what they could have possibly done wrong that makes their relationships as messy as hell since they, you know, always put in their all.
A lot of people put up behaviors that are really nothing more than a lack of love for themselves and a lack of knowledge of their self-worth and value. This causes problems in their love lives and can make their partners treat them overly poorly.
But the truth is, you can’t pour from an empty cup. You can’t give what you don’t have yourself. You need to love yourself in order to love someone else and be loved in return.
You need to have a true knowledge of your self-worth and value in order for others to treat you the way you deserve.
You need to respect yourself first in order to respect your partner and be respected in return.
Besides, if lose yourself trying to please your partner in the name of love, when they leave you won’t be able to recognize yourself anymore.
#5. Trust reality over potentials.
I’m seeing the potential for a happy future with my partner. She seems to be a good woman, things are potentially going to be better between us. I know we aren’t having one of the best times but my man will change for the better…
But what if they’re just potentials and nothing more? And what if you happen to wake up a few years later and found that the potential you fell in love with never actualized?
I believe in optimism and I’m usually positive minded but I now know that banking on reality is more safer than banking on potentials that may never come true leaving me in regrets, pains, and disappointments.
I used to be one of those people who simply hold onto relationships that are obviously problematic simply because we think the relationship has the potential to survive and eventually turn out happy and satisfying. But I never knew how insane that sound until now. There’s no reason whatsoever to subject yourself to pain and disappointments over some perceived B.S potentials.
If your partner doesn’t treat you right, doesn’t respect you enough, only verbalizes love but don’t put them into actions, or put up behaviors or actions that prove otherwise, never, I repeat, never use some perceived potentials as an excuse to hold on to such a relationship.
Because those potentials you see and the changes you expect, may not be the changes they want to bring. Besides, holding onto a relationship in high hopes and expectation of someone to change is never a great idea. In fact, it has been the reason behind the failure of a lot of relationships.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Hannah Busing on Unsplash