I’m turning 27 this year. While this is considered young in western countries — in my environment people are expected to settle down by the time they reach the age of 21 or 22. So it’s no surprise that all my peers at the moment are having their baby number 2. While I don’t have any issues with this, the pressure from my parents and friends sometimes makes me question the decisions I have made so far in life.
If you’ve been thinking about whether you should settle down or not, there are definitely things you need to consider first.
As Rob Pascale ever said:
You can’t buy commitment. Random acts of kindness won’t work if there are strings attached or if you aren’t kind most of the time.
So if you are not ready then you are not. You shouldn’t force it, otherwise things won’t end up well in the long run. But how do you know? Here are 5 examples that I hope will give you some clarity.
You Still Don’t Know How to Love Yourself
This may sound cliche but it is still important. I believe you can’t fully love somebody if you don’t even love yourself. But how do you know? Small things like taking care of yourself, speaking up your truth, and knowing how to create boundaries are signs that you love yourself.
People who love themselves also tend to be more secure and confident. They aren’t afraid of standing up for themselves and communicate what they want. So if you still feel like you haven’t spent time enough with yourself and have barely done the self-care, then you most likely aren’t ready to settle down.
You See Marriage as a Nightmare
Maybe it’s that your childhood trauma hasn’t been solved yet, or maybe you’ve seen enough failed marriages around you — but you can’t help but think that getting married will only make your life miserable.
Growing up in a broken home family where there were constant fights between my dad and my mom, I needed a longer time than other people to change my perspective of marriage into a positive one. It wasn’t easy.
You Really Like the Freedom of Being Alone
You don’t like being told what to do. Maybe, as a woman, you think that following what a man says will only take the freedom away from you. While this isn’t 100% true, people who aren’t ready to settle down often hold on to this idea so tightly.
This perspective will eventually bring you to a place where you can’t commit to a serious relationship. You always find yourself running away but with the same reason: “I’m not ready yet”.
You Aren’t Interested in Putting Someone Else in Your Future Plan
While it can be exciting to build a future together with someone, you find it the other way around. You aren’t interested to add another person into your future plans because you like your little bubble so far.
You like your flexibility in planning things especially when it comes to traveling and you don’t have to put someone else’s preference into consideration.
You Don’t Believe a Healthy Relationship Exists
A couple of years ago I was always on the defensive mode when it comes to commitment, mainly because I didn’t think a healthy stable relationship existed. I based this idea on my surroundings where at that time, I saw more unhappy couples compared to happy ones.
People who are afraid of commitment have this type of mindset. It certainly takes a lot of work to change it but too many times they just don’t bother. Not until they find someone who changes their mind about it.
. . .
You’ve probably heard those who say, “if you wait until you are ready, you’ll never do it.” While this advice might work in other aspects of life, this doesn’t necessarily work in a relationship.
If you haven’t figured out how to love yourself and change your limiting beliefs about what you truly deserve, then I highly recommend to wait and work on the underlying issues first.
I’ve seen too many people force themselves to be ready and jump into a marriage, only a few years later they realize it’s their biggest mistake. In this case, society plays a huge role in deciding what we should decide in life.
So before you make a rushed decision and regret it down the line, it’s better to work on yourself until you are truly ready for loving someone else other than yourself.
This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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