Six months ago, I got engaged to my now-fiance. Yet, I know, without a doubt, if I were the same person I had been just five years ago, this engagement wouldn’t have happened.
Just five years ago, I was hurting my relationships without even realizing it.
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A beautiful part about being human is the ability to reflect and learn from our mistakes. I’ll even take it a step further and say that it’s our responsibility, as relational beings, to acknowledge how we accidentally hurt others.
Through my reflection, I knew I wanted to do things differently in my current relationship than how I did them with past partners. Sure, I haven’t been perfect, but what matters most to both of us is that we’re putting in the effort to become better partners for each other.
I made six specific changes with my now-fiance that you can begin doing today in your relationship.
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I spoke up for myself because not doing so hurt me and my past partners.
I struggled so deeply with a lack of confidence that I believed I needed to make myself smaller to fit into other people’s lives.
I avoided verbalizing my needs and boundaries, even though I probably didn’t know what they were. All I cared about was making my partner happy so they wouldn’t leave.
This hurt me in several ways, the obvious being my unmet needs. Because of that, I built resentment toward my partners and saw them as an enemy-lover hybrid. Plus, I was reinforcing the idea that I wasn’t worthy of taking up space.
Aside from being the receiver of the resentment I mentioned, my partners weren’t given the chance to resolve any of the issues in our relationships. Since they weren’t mind readers, they had no clue what was making me unhappy.
Everyone deserves to take up space in their relationship and advocate for themselves.
I stopped making my partner my sole source of happiness.
I’ve struggled with a combination of anxiety and depression for over a decade. Because it’s not situational, waves of brutal emotional battles come up sporadically.
In the past, when I felt that deep unhappiness surging up inside me, I’d lean into my relationships. My partner’s hobbies and routines became my way of living. Their assurance became my reason for living.
But true happiness can’t be found in another person, nor is it a fair burden to place on anyone’s shoulders.
Today, my fiance is part of my support system, but not the whole thing. Eating well, sleeping, having hobbies, working out, and seeing friends are what re-sparks that joy if I’m consistent enough.
Happiness is an internal journey that your partner can’t make for you.
I learned that unspoken expectations chip away at the foundation of any relationship.
I’ve witnessed firsthand the disappointment of not communicating to my fiance what I want to do for my birthday or how I’d like him to comfort me when I’m having a stressful day.
Being in this position doesn’t feel good for either of us. I wanted specific outcomes that weren’t met, and my partner didn’t get the chance to learn about my preferences and desires.
That is until I began erring on the side of communicating. By letting my partner know what’s going on in my mind, we’ve created a strong foundation for loving each other that we can continue to build upon.
Some people telling your partner how to love you isn’t romantic, but I see it as the opposite. There’s a certain kind of butterflies reserved solely for watching your partner put effort into something you asked for.
We let each other know if we need to vent or want help problem-solving.
This was a game-changer, and I have to thank the lovely couples therapist we used to work with. Too often, I’d go to my partner with something that upset me, and he went straight into problem-solving mode.
Not only was that not what I needed, but it also annoyed me because, most of the time, my partner didn’t know much about the situation I was dealing with. An argument would ultimately ensue, which only made things worse.
After realizing how we handle high-emotion situations differently, we came up with a simple question to understand each other’s needs better: “Do you want to vent or problem-solve?”
If this happens in your relationship, bypass feeling annoyed and resentful by simply asking what kind of support your partner needs.
We started couples therapy before we had problems.
Ask almost any therapist, and they’ll agree that most couples who come in for counseling do so too late. Sure, many relationships can still be saved, but plenty of damage must be taken care of first.
My partner and I jointly decided to begin our couples therapy journey almost two years ago. On the first day of therapy, my partner explained that our reason for doing counseling was “to go from 90% to as close to 100% as we can get.”
You may wonder what we even talk about if there aren’t any issues, which is a fair question! With the right therapist, you can learn better communication skills and how to handle arguments more productively.
If you plan to spend the rest of your life together, you can also talk about expectations for different aspects of your life like kids, money, religion, and small details like who will do the grocery shopping.
I know not everyone can afford therapy, but there are plenty of questions online from couples therapists to help you strengthen your relationship if you wish to do so.
I no longer played games.
It’s interesting how left to one’s own devices; we pick up the absolute worst relationship habits. How is it that we resort to the silent treatment or keeping score with someone we love when we’re hurt?
What I do know is that all of it did more harm than good. Playing games in my past relationships never resulted in the outcome I wanted, and I only drove a wedge where I was trying to create a connection.
So, I stopped—cold turkey.
Well, I tried to. This is where those slip-ups happened. But at the very least, having awareness helped me realize when I was playing games so I could make a different choice instead.
When I wanted to shut down and ignore my partner, I calmly communicated that I needed time to process my emotions. When I noticed that I was picking fights for no reason, I owned up to my behavior and apologized.
This change is probably the most difficult to begin, yet it’s the one that will bring about the most positive impact on your relationship.
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Deciding to spend our lives together isn’t a decision my fiance, and I took lightly. We wanted to ensure we’re on the same page and are willing to grow our relationship together.
If that sounds like exactly what you want for your relationship, then consider which of these changes you want to make for a healthier relationship.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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