Dating is a tricky game. We are told to choose partners wisely and for a reason. There are some things that can look positive at first but can be problematic.
Let’s take a deeper look.
1. “I will do anything for you”
This is something that we love to hear. We get this message from television, movies and society. And when we hear it, we feel like we finally found someone who will save us and always be there. We are the centre of a relationship, we are thrilled and can finally relax.
In this kind of relationship sacrificing equals love. But people who sacrifice everything are too accommodating and too available.
At the beginning of a relationship, they move their schedule around, they are available 24/7, and they want to see you every day.
After some time, they will eventually want their life back and start doing things on their own. They go out with friends, play video games, and have hobbies. There is a behaviour change, and we feel betrayed and anxious. We feel that this is not the person we met some time ago.
Sacrificing is a red flag that looks like a green flag. It’s beautiful that someone wants to be there for you, but as long as they don’t abandon themselves.
2. Intense chemistry
There are two types of chemistry. There is good chemistry and bad chemistry. Good chemistry feels balanced. We can relax and do our things, we don’t think about our partner 24/7, we are not anxious, we know where we are with them, and communication is clear and open. We feel seen and validated. Everything is consistent. There are high and low moments, but they are not extreme.
Bad chemistry happens when we project a lot on another person, usually because of past traumas related to our childhood and past experiences.
For example, you can easily fall for avoidant partners. If you had absent parents or caregivers, this kind of relationship feels familiar to you, or at least to your brain, so you fall into a trap of thinking that you finally found the love of your life.
Sparks are flying, chemistry is intense, you are madly in love, and sex is awesome. Everything is unpredictable and exciting. This kind of relationship usually feels like a roller coaster experience and it can’t be safe. It’s formed around adrenaline and so many dopamine hits.
After the honeymoon phase is over, and you get to know your partner better, problems will arise. The relationship will feel off, and the person you are with won’t be the same one you fell in love with. You will realise that you looked at your partner through rose-coloured glasses.
In this situation, try to be more observant. If your relationship feels like a roller coaster experience for a long time, decide if you want to stay in it and if it really feels good.
3. They are chill and easygoing
They want to do anything you want to do. They say “You wanna do that? I am cool with that, let’s do it!”.
Don’t be a chill partner, be a high-maintenance partner, and have opinions. We want someone who knows what they want, it’s much easier when you know what your partner wants and you know how to meet their needs.
Look for someone who is their authentic self and knows how to express their needs.
4. They want to spend every minute with you
This can easily turn into controlling behaviour. They want to pick you up from work and go everywhere you go. It’s one thing if you don’t have a car, and another thing if they don’t ask and just show up to pick you up from work, it’s even worse if they are afraid that you will go with someone else and they can’t believe you. You don’t have privacy and time for yourself. Be careful with these people.
5. They pressure you to rely on them
They want you to rely on them and they decide everything for you. They say “You are all mine”, and it sounds sweet, but it feels controlling. It’s a big red flag that can look like a green flag. It can even be an early sign of domestic violence.
6. Big gifts in an early stage
It looks nice on the surface, but big gifts and big travel plans in an early stage can also be red flags. Those gifts are usually even something they like, for example, a dress they want to see on you. Or they will buy you a bike because they like to have a girl who rides a bike. In an early stage, they can’t even know what you like, and with big gifts, they can also put pressure on you and it can feel like controlling behaviour.
Stay chill and stay positive, but be careful in dating. Red flags can easily become only flags through rose-coloured glasses.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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