Love is what makes life worth living.
Or at least, that’s what I was told as someone who grew up in the ’90s; this sentiment about love seemed to be everywhere.
Disney movies involved women being saved by knights in shining armor. My friends and I lived for the day our Seventeen Magazine issues came in the mail, shelling out love advice like crack to pubescent teenagers. Every time I drove somewhere with my mom, I heard Dr. Laura’s harsh love advice.
I was told that love was this thing that would rock my world. And though love is indeed life-altering, those definitions of love were wrong.
After loving a few too many people who didn’t deserve my love and having my heart broken by one too many careless people, I realized how warped my idea of love was. I ventured into the world of dating with unhealthy beliefs and habits but I barely kept afloat in a world I thought would be beautiful.
It took me a while to the truth about love.
Even though I spent countless nights crying over men who didn’t deserve my tears, I wouldn’t go back and change anything. I had to go through those heartbreaks to be able to redefine what I believed love to be.
We’re told love is the best thing to ever happen to us.
And I know that to be true.
But I had to accept a few hard truths about love to finally experience the kind I believe everyone deserves:
You can’t make someone love you
Love isn’t something that’s forced or bribed. It’s not a reward for all your hard efforts.
If someone doesn’t love you, you won’t be able to change their mind. If they don’t want to be with you, that’s a decision you just have to accept.
But I also want you to look at it this way: you shouldn’t want someone who doesn’t want you. I know that when you’re in the depths of loving someone that won’t love you back, it’s hard to see clearly. But one day, if you allow yourself to, you’ll find someone who won’t second guess loving you.
So while you can’t make someone love you, you can choose someone who couldn’t picture living life without you.
Tears and fighting isn’t love
I spent my early twenties with an emotionally abusive man. But the kicker was, I never saw it as abusive. I thought all that pain was simply how love worked.
I spent nights crying on the floor of my bathroom after terrible fights. I believed the insults thrown at me over my slightest mistakes. But I thought those heightened emotions were passion; every tear I shed was because we loved each other.
I know now that love isn’t about hurting each other. I don’t blame my younger self for mistaking those intense feelings as a passion-filled relationship. But I’m glad I now know that constant tears and tearing each other down isn’t how love is supposed to be.
Love isn’t enough to make a relationship work
People think they can ride the wave of intense lust forever but every wave eventually ends. You’ll come crashing down into the sand. And you’ll have to make a choice if you’re going to help each other up and move forward in the same direction.
Because the intense infatuation known as the honeymoon period will eventually fade. Thinking things will always be great is an unhealthy expectation for any relationship.
While love is necessary, a relationship also requires other qualities like respect, understanding, shared values, and compassion. You’re never going to get by merely off one feeling.
People make time for what they want
Think about your own life. What are your priorities that you’ll always make time for?
Maybe that’s your friends, family, cat, or pilates class. Whatever it may be, you do what it takes to invest your time into them because those aspects of your life make you happy.
The same goes for dating. If someone wants to see you, they’ll make the time. Excuses like “work got crazy” or “I’m just not in a place to date right now,” are clear indicators to move on.
Sure, people will have other priorities in their life besides love, but if someone doesn’t make you a priority then they’re making it clear how much they value you. Don’t settle for someone who feels indifferently about you.
No person can replace the love you need to have for yourself
I was an insecure mess in my 20’s. I sought validation for my existence through my relationships for happiness. I deeply struggled with depression because of how unhappy I was with my life.
It took many years of working with a good therapist for me to realize how unhappy I was being alone. I had zero goals, no passions, hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror, and despised spending nights alone with my thoughts.
After I took a year off of dating and focused on fixing my relationship with myself, I realized how important it is to have love for yourself. I’m not saying that BS about “you have to love yourself before someone else loves you,” but no person can replace the love you have for yourself.
You don’t need to be broken to deserve love
Let me be clear: I don’t think any person is “broken.”
Everybody has been through some sort of trauma. Not a single person comes into a new relationship with zero baggage. So you don’t need to act like you are broken to deserve love.
With every new relationship, I thought I needed to be a damsel in distress. When I told my partners about my history with an eating disorder and depression, I relayed the details with hesitation and fear. Once I was done, I waited for them to swoop in and save me.
Like a puzzle, I laid the pieces out on a table and expected my partner to put them back together. And that act, I thought, created love and intimacy.
But I later learned love is created in other ways. I don’t need to act broken; in fact, I talk about my past with certainty. Sure, it’s not the happiest of stories. But those struggles are what made me into who I am today.
You change loneliness by loving, not being loved
If you feel lonely, chances are you’re focused on trying to find someone to give you love, platonic or romantic.
But being alone is a neutral state; the feeling that you associate with it is up to you. You might think love is the cure to loneliness, but what you really need is to make your life feel more full.
And while being loved is a great feeling, giving love fills you up even more.
Because when you give love, you create happiness without you. Showing appreciation and care for another person makes us feel good, plain, and simple. In fact, I think the feeling we all crave isn’t actually love; it’s giving love.
And we don’t realize how powerful this act is because we bottle up our love for a select few. But next time you feel lonely, focus on giving love to the people in your life. See how quickly your whole mindset shifts.
. . .
I’m wary of how much our emotions can cloud our minds. We know what we deserve, but when it comes to matters of the heart, all reason goes out the window.
But if there are any truths about love to remember, let it be these: all kinds of love matter, know what you deserve, and don’t let loneliness trick you into thinking you need more love.
Love isn’t always what you see in the media, but the good news is, it can be even better.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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