She told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship after our first meeting a few days ago. Very understandable. As a woman who’s eager for a family, she has a lot to lose. Not only does she have to assess me as a suitable candidate first carefully, but she’s also picked up quite a few scars over the years from dating the wrong men.
Sometimes people pull back out of the fear of getting hurt. It might confuse you as mind games, but if you pay close attention, they’re simply guarding their hearts.
They’re hot and cold. So you replay your conversations and reread texts to figure out what you did wrong. Was your joke yesterday overboard? Were you too dismissive of them because you forgot what college they graduated from? The usual assumption is that they don’t like you enough, therefore, not being clear about where they stand with you. But sometimes, their mixed signals have more to do with their own fears of rejection than a lack of interest in you.
If you see them behaving in these 7 ways, they probably like you a lot more than you think.
They go slow
Past relationships have taught them investing too much too early led to disappointment every time. Now they take their time figuring out if the other person is what they appear to be, whether you guys are compatible, and how much you actually like them. They’ve learned to rely more on their head than their hearts this time around. They’re sick of picking the wrong person, so they require an extended amount of time to observe someone.
They never tell you how they really feel about you
They won’t reveal their first impression of you. They won’t tell you how much they think about you. They don’t mention the traits they like about you. They’re unlikely to express their affection for you before they receive it from you. They’re not going to tell you “I love you.” first or make the relationship official without you asking them. They don’t want their vulnerability to be used against them. They keep their intentions hidden just in case you don’t reciprocate the same feelings.
They’re extremely selfish and protective of their needs
Past partners have manipulated them, used them, and abused their trust. They promised themselves never to allow anyone to take advantage of them again — no matter how much they’re in love. But this high self-regard often goes overboard. Instead of healthy boundaries, they expect their partners to put up with their BS. They want to be treated like kings and queens because deep down, they don’t believe they deserve love. So they compensate by asking for as much as possible from their partners.
There’s a difference between self-respect and narcissism. The former is considerate of the other person, while the latter is only concerned with oneself.
They keep multiple partners around
Sometimes people engage in polygamy or cheating out of fear. The fear of their beloved partner leaving them one day. They maintain a roster of lovers just in case their main partner or one option falls out of their life. They’ll have others around to prevent their sense of self from vanishing. They also use multiple partners as leverage to help them feel less desperate. This cushion allows them to leave anyone who doesn’t meet their standards.
They don’t ask you many questions
They won’t ask you low-value questions such as where you were or who you were with last night. Or what you think of them and the type of guys/girls you like. These questions come off a bit needy. And so they refuse to look overly invested before making sure you are also on the same page.
They withdraw a lot
They step back as soon as they sense your interest level drop. They might stop contacting you suddenly because they want to keep a distance and a sense of mystery. If they see you out with an opposite-sex, not replying to their texts, or not wanting to come closer physically and emotionally, they’ll exit first out of saving their pride. They might tell you they lost their feelings for you when, in reality, they’re the ones who fear the relationship dwindling. It’s an I’ll-leave-before-you-can-hurt-me strategy. Instead of feeling like the weak victim, they’d rather be the bad guy.
They always seem busy
Being busy is sometimes a way of them showing that you aren’t their universe, that they’re sitting in front of their phone, romanticizing you daily. Too much availability will cause you to take them for granted. So they always preoccupy themselves with something or someone to keep you intrigued.
It’s still worth the risk
We’ve become so hesitant to take steps forward. We’ve built walls to protect our wounds, preventing a deep, genuine connection with our partners, sometimes even pushing them away. It ultimately becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. By being afraid of letting someone in, they become less likely to come in.
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Previously Published on medium
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