“Do you have time for a cuddle?” I asked my partner who was busy working at his desk.
It was a Monday afternoon, and I was feeling amorous.
“Of course,” he replied with a smile.
He stopped what he was doing, and followed me into the bedroom. We both undressed climbed into bed and wrapped our naked bodies around each other.
“I love you,” he said as he kissed me on the forehead.
“I love you too,” I replied, melting into his arms.
We held each other and talked for more than an hour, before getting back to our respective tasks.
But that brief interlude was enough to remind me of how we both actively work to keep every facet of our relationship healthy.
We have been together for quite some time now, and our past relationships taught us a lot about how to let the heat fizzle to a dud. That’s why we invest so much time and effort into keeping things exciting.
When it comes to sex, couples in long-term relationships can often find themselves in a rut. The mundane routines that often accompany day-to-day life can make it challenging to feel connected to your partner.
But there are ways to keep the sparks flying, even after being together for years. Below are eight (8) tips for maintaining a healthy and happy long-term sexual connection.
1. Beware of the stories you tell about your own body.
The majority of my clients are over forty. And one of the common themes that come up during my sessions is how they feel about their bodies.
Many of us have developed fictitious tales about our bodies over the years. We tell ourselves (and often our partners) stories about how we are no longer as attractive as we once were. We compare ourselves to other people and focus on our flaws. We create narratives that push the stop buttons on our libidos.
These stories can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you are no longer attractive, it becomes harder to feel desire. If you believe that your body is no longer desirable, it becomes harder to feel sexy. And if you think that your sex drive has dried up like a California Raisin, it becomes harder to get aroused.
So how do you fix it?
The first step is to become aware of the stories you are telling yourself about your body. Listen to the words you use to describe yourself. Are they kind and loving? Or are they judgmental and critical?
If you find that you are being critical of your body, try to reframe your thoughts in a more positive light. For example, instead of thinking, “My stomach is too big,” try “I love my soft and curvaceous body.” Or, rather than saying, “My libido is non-existent,” try “My arousal has changed, and now I need a little more time for my body to come online.”
2. Prioritize non-sexual intimacy.
Sex and intimacy are not mutually exclusive. Yes, sex is one kind of intimacy, but when you’re tired, it may not be what you need — and that’s okay.
You can still experience the benefits of intimacy without having sex. And if you and your partner are both tired, non-sexual intimacy might be precisely what the doctor ordered.
Don’t underestimate the power of skin-to-skin contact. Hugs and kisses, after a long day, can be a godsend. Being able to touch one another just because and with no pretense will make sex more delicious when it does happen. In the meantime, enjoy cuddles often. Kiss like you mean it. Hold hands in the kitchen. And embrace one another because you can.
Low energy — big impact.
3. Talk about it.
Many couples who have been together for a long time still have healthy intimate lives. And you know what one of their secrets is? They talk about it.
Now, this might seem deceptively simple, but it’s true. Couples who talk about sex have better (and more) sex. #FACTS
I realize that talking about sex can be difficult, especially if you’re not used to it. But you know what I always say, “practice makes better.”
When you talk about sex with your partner, you are more likely to feel seen and heard. And that’s a recipe for intimacy.
4. Be creative & curious.
One of the best things about long-term relationships is that you know each other so well. But that can also be a challenge. Because when you know someone so well, it can be easy to get stuck in a rut. But if you think that you know all there is to know about your partner — you’re mistaken.
Your partner is a living, breathing human being. And that means that every day they are changing and evolving, just like you. So stay curious about them.
The best way to do this is to ask them questions. And not just the usual questions like, “How was your day?” Get curious about their lives, their thoughts, and their feelings.
Here are some examples:
- What’s something romantic you’ve always wanted but been afraid to ask for?
- Is there something you wished we did more often?
- What do I do that turns you on?
- Is there anything sexual that you’ve been curious about trying?
- Do you think you’re a good lover?
- What is your filthiest fantasy about me?
- What can I do to bring you closer to me?
- Sex toys or sexy fruit?
- Where would you like to be kissed or touched?
- What wishes of mine would you like to fulfill?
- What song best describes how you see yourself?
- Narrate our best sexual experience.
Asking questions is still the best way to learn more about someone, even if you’ve known them forever. So make curiosity a regular part of your relationship and you’ll be sure to keep the spark alive.
5. Stay in the room.
This one might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised how often we’re not fully present with our partners. We’re so used to multi-tasking that we often don’t even realize that we’re doing it.
But here’s the thing, when you’re not fully present with your partner, you’re sending them the message that they’re not important enough for you to give them your full attention. Even if that’s not true, it may feel that way.
So, the next time you’re with your partner, make a conscious effort to put away your phone, turn off the T.V., and focus your attention on them. Listen to what they’re saying and try to understand their point of view. This will go a long way in making your partner feel loved and valued.
Because a partner who feels loved and valued is more likely to experience desire and arousal.
6. Go to bed together.
I grew up watching ’70s television. I know many of the shows were corny, but they were also entertaining. One of the things that I noticed is that no matter the show, the characters always went to bed at the same time. The parents tucked the kids in, then retreated to their bedroom together. Of course, times have changed. But you have to admit; they were onto something.
Going to bed together wasn’t just exclusive to T.V. Land. In real-life, households literally shut down at a specific time. And back then, television literally went off too. And people got in bed, more often than not — together. Today, not so much.
If your partner goes to bed at 9 pm and you stay up until after midnight, you’re probably not going to get any (sex, that is). But going to bed at the same time increases the odds of getting frisky by a gazillion.
If you’re a night owl and your partner is a morning person, this might not be realistic every night. But surely you can make a concession one or two nights a week, yeah? Not to mention post-sex sleep is the best sleep anyway! It sounds like a no-brainer to me.
Think about it, if you want to grow tomatoes, you need to create the conditions for tomatoes to grow. Are you picking up what I’m putting down?
I often see couples who say they want to feel and experience things in their relationship, but they won’t take the necessary steps to make it possible.
So, if you want to experience more intimacy in your relationship, create the conditions for it. And if that means you need to go to bed early or stay up late so that you can go to bed with your boo sometimes — do it.
7. Make time for sex.
This might go without saying, but I’m going there anyway… If you want to have more sex, make time for it.
I know that we are all busy, but we humans tend to make time for the things we really want.
Sex is no exception. If you don’t make time for it, it’s not going to happen. Period.
Prioritize sexual intimacy like you would any other important goal in your life. Put it on the calendar if you have to (which is not as unsexy as it sounds). Do it despite how you feel about your body. Because guess what? It is that important.
8. Redefine what sex means.
Once upon a time, sex was strictly P.I.V. (penis in vagina), but that’s no longer true. Penetration is only one kind of sex. And sex can be whatever you say it is.
You can have sex with your clothes on or without touching your genitals. Sex can be dry humping until you fall asleep. It can be oral or digital (yes, I mean fingers). Slow or really slow. With the lights on or off. It doesn’t have to end with an orgasm. Ejaculation is not required. And it doesn’t need to last for three hours. Quickies count as sex too.
Why is redefining sex important?
You need to redefine sex because you’re not the same person you were when you first started getting busy. You don’t think about sex in the same way. And the body you once had has changed too.
Your body has and always will know what it can and cannot do. Listen to it. Again, things may have changed over the years. Your body may not respond the way it once did.
“If you can adapt the mind to the changing body, anything is possible…” — Ellen Barnard
If you are a vulva owner who experiences vaginal dryness, lubricants may be helpful. Massaging the vulva and vagina will also help maintain blood flow and healthy function. F.Y.I.: Pussy massages are a great activity to share with your partner.
And if you are a penis owner, it’s essential to know that the strength and frequency of your erection may change with age. It’s a natural part of the aging process for many C.I.S. males. But the same goes for you; massaging the penis will help maintain blood flow and function. And yes, you can ask your partner to join in, if you feel so inclined.
Whether you have a penis or a vulva, it’s crucial to let your body run the show. If sex is painful or uncomfortable, don’t force it. Remember, blood flow to the nether regions is often the result of a relaxation in blood vessels. So loosen up and take it easy. If your body is on board, it will let you know.
Just to recap, eight (8) things you can do RIGHT NOW to increase sexy time in your long-term relationship:
- Mind the stories you tell.
- Center non-sexual intimacy.
- Use your words.
- Be like a cat and get curious.
- Stay in the room (be present).
- Sync your bedtime (at least once a week).
- Make time to do the horizontal boogie (if you’re into other angles, that’s cool too).
- Define sex in a way that works for who you are and the bodies you currently have.
Do you have any other tips for increasing intimacy in a long-term relationship? Share them in the comments. I’m always curious to hear from you.
This post originally appeared in my newsletter.
—
This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock