8 Tips for Your Best Relationship Ever

Most of us would like to feel as close as possible to our partners. After all, we chose to be in a relationship with them for a reason. If you like your partner and enjoy spending time with them, you probably desire a strong relationship with them, right?

Yet I hear a lot of people venting about how their partner gave them some perceived slight, and now they feel the need to impress upon their mate how exactly they were wronged. For years to come.

For example, “Lucy” married “Chris” when they were both a young 21. Twenty years later, Lucy is constantly telling Chris that all the problems in their relationship are due to Chris’s anger issues and narcissism, and the fact that Chris doesn’t have any friends, and is always mad about being left out or “the last to know” when she plans social events.

Chris sees the world around him in a negative bent and complains about everything: taxes, politics, traffic, crowds, other people… you get the idea. He can be difficult to be around when he’s in that mood (which, frankly, is much of the time).

Lucy, for her part, fails to recognize her contributions to the relationship: that she’s often criticizing Chris, rather than building him up. She tells him he’s crazy when he offers his perspective on how things are between them, and points out that he needs mental help if they are going to work things out. When he expresses hurt that she’s made plans with friends, she retaliates in a defensive way. “I’m allowed to have friends, Chris,” she taunts.

One night at a group dinner, Chris was talking about a bookcase the couple has in their living room that they inherited from Lucy’s deceased father, and kept grumbling about how big and heavy it was and how much he hates it. It was clearly not the first time he’s said this to her, and Lucy could have carried on with the conversation she was already in, but she couldn’t resist piping up, “Well, that’s too bad; I LOVE that bookcase.” Her fatal flaw is that she feels the need to get in the last word.

Do you think Chris’s complaining and Lucy’s desire for the last word fosters a sense of team-building and connection? No, it does not. Here’s what they could have done instead, and what you can do right now in your relationship to foster a closer, deeper connection.

1. Seek to understand their perspective rather than strive to share yours. Maintain curiosity instead of judgment. If the goal of effective communication is to be understood, flip that on its head and try to understand.

This puts us in the position of openness rather than closemindedness, and creates a sense of emotional safety for the other person to express themselves. If you can’t grasp what they’re saying, ask questions and invite them to share more.

When we feel safe, we can be our freest selves, which is the heart of being able to connect with others.

2. Learn to let things go. Ask yourself if this issues is going to be present 5 minutes, or 5 months, or 5 years from now. If the answer to the first two is a resounding “no,” then let it go. In the long run, it’s a non-issue. If the answer to the last part is a “yes” or “maybe,” then address it, particularly if something violates your personal boundaries.

(In the example above, Chris could have said, “I understand that this bookcase holds memories and special meaning to you, and I was envisioning something different than this in our living room. How would you feel about using it is XYZ part of the house [or refinishing/painting it to both honor the memories but also create new life]? Lucy could have let Chris be in a bad mood and ignored the comment, or suggested an alternate use for the bookcase since she knows he hates it.)

Hanging on to the muck—and bringing it up repeatedly for years and years—only erodes connection.

3. Think about whether your comment or action will inspire connection or separation. This is especially true when things are getting heated or emotional. Pause for a moment. Ask yourself, “If I say this thing, will it bring us closer together as a team, or will it pit us against each other as competitors.” If you desire a strong connection with your partner, the goal here is to stay on the same team.

Being a team means it’s the two of you versus the problem or challenge; not you versus them.

4. Decide whether you want to be right, or be happy. When my mom shared this advice with me, she pointed out that you very rarely get to have both. In my younger years—when I was more insecure about what I had to offer relationships—I really wanted to be right.

With experience, I realized that if someone else is committed to their viewpoint or opinion, it’s unlikely they will change their minds, especially if they’re not emotionally mature enough to see other perspectives. If I can let go, and let them stick to their opinions without trying to force mine down their throats, I’m a whole lot happier.

Now, if someone wants to tell me the sky is fluorescent orange, I just shrug and say, “okay,” and I spend my energy elsewhere. If Chris wants to vent about too much traffic on the roads, and too many people moving here from out of state, I just shrug and say, “okay.”

5. Be willing to acknowledge your part. Excluding issues of betrayals, challenges in relationships are rarely just because of one person’s actions. Usually, it’s a combination of factors leading up to things, with both people contributing. If you can be willing to acknowledge your part, it will likely diffuse emotions and halt the blamegame in its tracks, which are keys to resolving conflict.

6. Let go of the past. This doesn’t mean you should ignore big issues and sweep them under the rug; they don’t actually go away just because they’re being ignored or out of sight. I simply mean work through the big stuff, the stuff that would still bother you 5 years from now, or that tramples on your boundaries, and then let that stuff go. Don’t revisit the argument every time you get frustrated for the next 16 years. Don’t keep bringing it up (in fact, that’s a sign that you haven’t actually resolved the issue). People make mistakes. If the thing that bothers you is something you can get past, then do that, and let go.

7. Offer the same grace to your partner that you would want them to offer you. My boyfriend and I went to the beach and he let me drive his pickup on the sand. I’d never been offroading when I was behind the wheel and it was a blast. I continued driving when we decided to leave and head home, and I was having trouble making the truck, which I don’t drive often, stop and start in the bumper to bumper traffic we faced. Eventually, my boyf leaned over and said, “Hey love, your emergency brake is still on.” My goodness. Not only was I embarrassed, but I was worried about potential damage to his breaks. He loves his trucks and babys it and I was hoping I hadn’t just ruined it. Rather than berate me for the potential damage done, or insist he take over driving, he was good natured about the situation, and offered me grace.

I returned the favor when he was helping me move a heavy potted plant and dropped it and shattered the ceramic pot. He felt really badly about damaging something of mine, but I just shrugged once I knew he was okay. After all, it’s just stuff and not as important to me as our relationship. I returned the grace.

8. Remember that your partner is a different person than you are, and that’s okay. Different people have different wants, needs, ways of expressing themselves and doing things than we do, but this doesn’t make them bad or wrong.

For years, I heard Lucy complain to Chris that the way he diapers their son, or bathes him, or feeds him etc., is wrong. Now, she’s complaining that Chris simply doesn’t pitch in to help out with the kids, and I keep my mouth shut. Can you really blame him? When every time he tried to help, she told him how bad he was and that only she could do it correctly? Assuming your partner isn’t doing something that endangers themselves, or you or others, just be grateful that they’re pitching in, and it’s one task off your list.

When I watch my boyfriend load dishes into the dishwasher, I’m not critiquing his method for putting the dishes in there; I’m simply expressing gratitude for his doing a chore I loathe so that I don’t have to do it.

9. Express gratitude and appreciation genuinely and often. When people tell us that they appreciate us, and compliment our work, we warm up inside. But here’s the unexpected benefit: We also warm to that person and enjoy being around them and doing things for them. It makes us want to do more.

The only rule about this is it must be authentic and heartfelt. If someone gives you a birthday present and you give them a flat, “Gee. Thanks a lot,” they might hear that and think to themselves, “Wow. They hated that. I didn’t pick out something for them very well. I should just stop trying to give them gifts.” But if you can give them an authentic compliment and see that they were trying to please you, they will want to do so again.

Building (and maintaining) a strong, healthy relationship takes effort, but it’s not hard. And the more you practice these 9 techniques, the easier it gets.

What do you think? Do you agree or disagree with these tenets?

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Previously Published on medium

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