If toxic relationships were easy to cut off, they probably wouldn’t be so toxic.
Instead, they can feel like an addictive drug. Even though a relationship might be bad for you, it’s hard to take a break from. And if you try, you may find yourself back with your drug of choice — the toxic person.
These emotions are familiar to anyone who has been in a toxic situation.
While there are many reasons a person finds it hard to leave a toxic relationship, there are a few common ones. Consider your own situation through these perspectives to help you uncover any unconscious beliefs.
#1 Chemical Withdraw
We can try to explain our intense connection with someone, but there are some chemical reasons for what we’re feeling. Consider that love involves:
1. Oxytocin — Released through intimacy or touch
2. Dopamine — Released when you’re attracted to someone
These chemicals feel good when things are going well. But when there’s an immediate cut of ties, it can feel like a drug withdrawal. In the same way, we may feel the need to get the person back, even if the relationship is toxic.
Research shows that going through a breakup triggers the same brain pathways as physical pain and drug addiction. When you’re going through this, re-entering the relationship can feel like a temporary bandaid for your suffering.
#2 You Love Them or Appreciate Their Good Sides
Just because a relationship is toxic doesn’t mean we don’t love the person. Not all love is healthy.
Our intense love for a person can blind our needs and push us back to them, even if we know we’re better off without them.
In other situations, we might not love the person, but we honor their good sides. Even though there are bad aspects to the relationship, you highlight and perhaps overplay the good ones.
#3 There’s Evidence of Change
If you’re in a toxic relationship, you might have expressed your need for change. Sometimes, a person flat out denies that anything wrong. Other times, they agree to make an effort to better the partnership.
When the latter happens, it can feel promising but be even more confusing. If there’s evidence the person is trying or things are changing, you might find it extra difficult to leave the relationship.
Even if things are barely improving or aren’t getting better quick enough, you may feel bad for breaking it off.
#4 You Hope They’ll Change
Other times, there’s no evidence of change at all — just a mere hope of it.
Because you want to stay in the relationship so much, you hope their behavior will change. You may see their potential or the ways the partnership would be perfect if it weren’t for this one thing.
Since your love isn’t logical, sometimes the only reason you have left to stay is hope. However, it’s a good idea to learn how to spot the signs a toxic relationship won’t change.
#5 They’re Manipulative
Sometimes it may not feel like we have much of a choice to leave the toxic relationship. Whenever we bring it up, our partner charms us into staying or smooths the situation over.
If you can relate, there’s a chance your partner might be being manipulative. On the lower end of the spectrum of manipulation, it’s possible your partner might not realize they’re manipulating you. Their words may naturally be so convincing that it’s hard for you to think straight.
On the other end of the spectrum, manipulation can be deliberate. For example, a partner may trick you into thinking you’ll be lonely without them.
Manipulation can also be abusive. A partner who chips away at your self-esteem or withholds money is also a form of control.
#6 The Good Times Might Feel Worth It
Even without manipulation, sometimes we don’t want to leave a toxic relationship because we feel the good times justify the bad.
Even if there are screaming matches with a roller coaster of emotions, you might feel happy and in love other times.
Switching between such extremes can be tiring and you’ll likely begin to question leaving the toxic relationship.
#7 You’re Used To It
Toxic relationships might be hard to leave because they feel at home.
Even if you’re not exactly happy with your partner, it might feel normal to feel unhappy. Rather than seeking out a healthy relationship, you become complacent with the toxic one.
Research shows that our parents affect our relationships as we grow up. How our parents interact with us and each other influences our experiences later on. So if you grew up in a turbulent home, you may be more likely to accept toxic, unstable relationships as an adult. Given this feeling is familiar, it can make it hard to break free from.
#8 You Rely On The Person
In some situations, you may rely on your partner, so it’s difficult to leave.
For example, if you share a home with them, it may be financially difficult to afford a place of your own. You might also rely on the person as your only friend or confidant. There are many reasons why you might rely on your partner, some healthy and some not. In any case, leaving a toxic relationship is hard when there’s more at stake.
#9 You’re The Toxic One
Sometimes, we stay in toxic relationships because we’re the toxic one, or at least contributing to the toxicity.
Despite our best efforts to change our behavior, we might have trouble getting along with a person. We may keep pulling a person back or trying to make it work despite the fact we know it won’t.
In some situations, both are healthy individuals but become toxic when together. It’s a good idea to consider the role you play in the toxic relationship.
Summary of Reasons It’s Hard to Leave Toxic Relationships
Toxic relationships are hard to leave for many reasons. While each person has a different experience, it’s worth exploring yours. You are in a situation that you know is toxic. You know it’s not healthy, so why are you staying? By considering the possible reasons above, you can learn about yourself. Once we understand the reason behind our actions, we’re in a better position to make healthier decisions.
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Previously Published on medium
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