Avoiding arguments is the worst mistake people make in relationships.
Relationships are made of two different people who try to build a life together. They have different upbringings, personalities, preferences, and opinions. You may think, “my partner and I are so similar,” but you still disagree at times.
What happens in a relationship with no arguments?
Here’s what happens: one party gets overshadowed by the other. When a couple doesn’t argue, it means one person doesn’t speak up (for whatever reason). That’s not the point of relationships: it should make you feel loved, not scared.
So you may think relationships without arguments are great. In reality, when a couple doesn’t disagree, there’s a bigger problem.
You can’t escape arguments. What you can do is find a way through them.
You don’t like arguments because you’re stuck in a win-lose mindset. People who win arguments think differently. They know that, in relationships, there are no winners or losers. It’s either a win-win or lose-lose. Winners don’t compete with their partners: they win together.
Here’s how they do it:
1. Make eye contact.
What’s communication to you? Most people answer “the way we talk.” They’re wrong.
People suck at arguments because they use poor communication. They think finding the right words is enough. Except communication goes way beyond that: it’s your posture, your expression, and how you connect to the other person.
The core of winning arguments is communication.
When you look your partner in the eyes, you create a connection. You send a clear message: “you have my full attention. I want to solve this problem.”
Eye contact sounds like a small deal. But in a world where your attention is worth money (and everyone competes for it), giving your attention to your partner will put you ahead in your arguments. You can’t win an argument if you spend half the time scrolling down your Instagram feed.
Winners go beyond words. They use every tool you can to get your point across: eye contact, smiles, listening, and body language.
What to do:
Use the full power of communication to your advantage. Small habits matter because they immerse you in the argument. Communication isn’t only words: when you roll your eyes at your partner, they’ll know you’re annoyed.
These habits are subtle but underestimated.
2. Don’t judge.
Imagine you’re disappointed with your partner, and you want to discuss it. You expect them to be open and listen. Instead, they judge you, point fingers, and say it’s your fault.
You may tolerate it once or twice, but you’ll eventually stop talking.
When you’re not open to your partner, they’ll stop being open with you. Your aggressive attitude puts your partner in defense mode, so they won’t talk about what bothers them. They’ll bottle up inside until it explodes.
That’s why people say “everything was fine, and they left out of nowhere.” It wasn’t out of nowhere: they just didn’t tell you what was wrong.
The mentality that helps you win arguments is: “we are on the same team.”
Your priority is not to point fingers (or even be right). Your priority is to find a solution together. This mindset makes you realize your partner isn’t the enemy: the enemy is the problem itself. Your partner is your ally because you have the same goal.
You don’t always have to agree. But you’re on the same team, and you should look for solutions together.
What to do:
So be open to your partner, even when you disagree. Before you show any reaction, listen. Careful: you may react without realizing it. Here’s what you can do:
- Let your partner speak first.
- Be direct: ask if they’re comfortable confronting you.
- Take notes of how you feel when you argue. Your reaction reflects how you feel, so if you control your emotions, you control your reaction.
3. Don’t make everything an argument.
You may think, “let’s solve problems while they’re small! The earlier you speak, the better!” Well, you’re not wrong: small problems are easier to solve.
But you’re also not right.
When you argue with your partner, you stress your relationship (even if it’s a tiny problem).
Imagine you have one small argument per day. It would be like needles. Individually, it doesn’t matter, so you endure it. But, when combined, it can wreck you
.
So getting problems straight out of the way isn’t always the best strategy.
You have to find a balance between speaking your mind and creating problems.
Yes, you should feel comfortable speaking about your concerns. But you can’t abuse it. Don’t make it a habit to argue whenever you feel slightly stressed. It might cost you your relationship.
What to do:
Before you bring your concern to your partner, make sure you can’t solve it yourself. Let it sit for a couple of days, question it, and come up with solutions. If the problem doesn’t go away, then ask for your partner’s help.
Your partner is on your team, but you have limited energy. Try to focus your energy on what truly matters.
4. Listen.
You can’t win an argument when you don’t know its real root. It sounds obvious, but when you fight, you forget obvious things.
You get so emotional that you forget to listen to your partner.
Your brain is programmed to avoid difficult things, although they’re the best solution (that’s why people struggle to go to the gym). But you can’t solve the problem when your mind travels to multiple places. You have to fight your urge to avoid the confrontation.
Listening is not as simple as it sounds.
People think listening is only hearing words, but that’s a simplistic view. It’s not enough to hear the words. When you’re in an argument, you have to work together and investigate the roots of the problem.
What to do:
The secret of great listeners is that they practice active listening. Here’s how it works:
- Ask questions.
- Repeat as many times as it’s necessary.
- Eliminate distractions (that includes your phone).
Active listening is a natural consequence when you’re genuinely interested in the conversation.
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When you win an argument, it doesn’t mean you’re right. It means you achieved your goal. In healthy relationships, your goal should be to build a life together and make each other happy. Anything other than that doesn’t work.
Arguments aren’t monsters you should avoid at all costs. Instead, learn how to express yourself, communicate your concerns, and listen to your partner.
These habits will make you a winner in arguments. This way, you can build a healthier relationship together.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
