What’s the difference between a healthy bedroom and a dead one?
- Dead Bed — Partner never looks at you naked or even glances. You feel invisible.
Healthy Bed — Partner always takes a look or tries to squeeze you. - Dead Bed — Partner never makes you “feel” beautiful.
Heathly Bed — Partner makes you feel sexy and cherished. - Dead Bed — Defensive about his porn use.
Healthy Bed — Willing to look at his habits and understands the dangers of excessive porn consumption. - Dead Bed — Low libido and insecure about talking about their lack of sex drive.
Healthy Bed — Willing to discuss all things sexual with an open tone. - Dead Bed — Selfish lover. Your pleasure is met with indifference.
Healthy Bed — Giving lover. Wants to see your pleasure and share the experience. - Dead Bed — Uses porn as a stand-in when he’s horny. Easier to masturbate.
Healthy Bed — Initiates sex if he’s horny and chooses sex over masturbation. - Dead Bed — Constantly moving the goalposts to avoid sex.
Healthy Bed — Sets expectations about the frequency with dialogue. - Dead Bed — Sex is “work,” and too much effort.
Healthy Bed — Sex is never “work” and no effort is too much. - Dead Bed — Sex is about shaming. “You are a pervert!”
Healthy Bed — Sex is about self-expression and lust. Nothing is “off-limits” as long as both agree. - Dead Bed — Being so out of shape to fuck is not a concern since they don’t care.
Healthy Bed — Never want to be out of shape that a healthy sex life stops. - Dead Bed — Doesn’t pay attention to how their partner likes to be touched.
Healthy Bed — Memorizes the special spots that their partner likes during arousal. - Dead Bed — No exploration or “play” in bed allowed.
Healthy Bed — Joyful fun and experimentation are encouraged. - Dead Bed — No or few compliments about your appearance.
Healthy Bed — Compliments are plentiful and authentic.
A healthy sex life is one where you don’t have to think about it. You don’t live with a black sexual cloud hanging over you. You can ask for what you want — you don’t need to keep secrets.
Having an affectionate, kind, sexual partner without you begging is a healthy bedroom.
It’s no second guessing.
Sex can go from flirty to tender, to raw and animalistic, to casual and calm, to goofy and fun, and all the way back to flirty and tender. It can be anything you both agree to.
I think laughing is part of it. Either at the beginning, at the end, or in the middle. If you aren’t having fun, it’s probably a dead bedroom.
I’ve had excellent sexual relationships with boyfriends previous to being married, so I know what I’m missing. The trauma of my current dead bedroom never abates — the lack of desire and ambivalence.
The “what is wrong with me?” syndrome. It may not be you, at all. It could be the unhealthy dynamic of a dead bed.
Healthy bedroom’s are full of joy and touching.
Dead bed’s are not.
It’s all excuses, all the time.
Like I’ve written, “No, not tonight. Or this morning. Or anytime. It’s like trying to fuck a Rubik’s cube. Nothing ever aligns to have sex.”
The differences between a healthy bedroom and a dead bedroom are clear. First, you are wanted and loved. Second, you are cherished and accepted.
It’s so simple, really.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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