“Your baby is small, is he getting all the nutrients he needs? Maybe your breast milk isn’t good quality. Have you considered giving your baby formula?”
“Breast is best, make sure you give your baby all that nutritious goodness that comes out of your milk factory.
But do so privately.”
“Don’t breastfeed in public.”
“Please cover up, it’s embarrassing.”
“It’s rude to be showing your boobs, especially if they’re big.”
“Breast is best though.”
“Your baby is a bit big to still be breastfed, no?”
“Just give him formula, it’ll make life so much easier for you both.”
“I’m not going to tell you how to bring up your child but.”
“Don’t give your baby anything he can’t chew.”
“Start your baby off with some basic pureed fruits, nothing fancy.
“But let him feed himself those blended fruits.”
“Don’t let him use a spoon until he can co-ordinate it by himself.”
“Eating with his hands?! Is he an animal?!”
“I’m not going to tell you how to bring up your child but.”
“Can you not just rock her to sleep?”
“When my child was small he would just sleep when he needed to. He had no schedules.”
“My son slept anywhere.”
“I don’t remember my child screaming like this!”
“My son wasn’t so fussy when he was little.”
“I’m not going to tell you how to bring up your child but.”
“I think he needs to learn to be more independent.”
“Aw, he wants you to pick him up, pick him up.”
“She’s just craving attention, ignore her till she calms down.”
“Shut that child up, it’s embarrassing!”
* * *
I can guarantee every single mother has at one point or another received one of these comments.
That’s all they are — comments.
It’s normal that people want to compare parenting styles, choices, opinions, and discuss the behavior of their children.
Really, it’s OK.
Sometimes, the statements are innocent when you add context. My entire motherhood I have had copious amounts of conversations with loved ones (and strangers!) about my baby or their children. I have an awesome support network that backs me on whatever choices I make for my son and generally, it’s all good.
It’s lovely how sociable it can be to be a mother of a newborn, actually. How many mothers have had the experience of a stranger peeking into the pram to take a look at your baby and “aww” quietly and smile? Whether you like this slight invasion of privacy or not, the intention is to admire your new family member. It’s humbling.
The Ironic But
But these comments can be deeply hurtful if said at the wrong time. Say any of those statements when a mother is clearly struggling, and you’re literally kicking her when she’s down.
Some of those statements are NEVER ok and should not be tolerated. But most of them are in a grey area. Everyone has a right to and express an opinion, and most of the time they are well-intentioned.
Everything I quoted above has been said to me or other mothers I know. Most of the time, we have mocked or complained about them. Why, if most of them are innocent and people are genuinely trying to help?
Because we aren’t ready to hear them.
Think about it. New mothers especially are hormonal. They’re probably sleep deprived. Their entire world has changed and the version of the person that you see is not her usual self.
I’ve never been more sensitive about this than when I became a mother. I’ve never been so aware of what kind of support or comfort I need at a particular moment in time. But it’s only through experience and by seeing my reaction to things that I’ve learned what does my head in and what does not.
I think the topic of parenting is sensitive. It’s something I would only talk about if I knew every party was willing to openly participate, in the same way one would talk about racism or politics.
“I’m not racist but”
“I don’t mean to disrespect but”
“I’m not telling you how to bring up your child but”
Anything that has to add a “but” to a sentence nulls the beginning. Even if you genuinely aren’t racist, or you genuinely don’t want to offend. You have to rephrase in your head what you want to say without saying the first part or else the other party WILL think you’re racist, or disrespectful, or trying to tell them how to bring up your child. Simple.
So my rant here is, while it’s OK to talk about parenting, while it’s OK to tell stories of your child and compare choices and plans you decided for your child, do so when the other person is not struggling with an issue at that particular moment in time.
I was so critical of my sister before I had a baby about how she should be with her daughter. I would literally suggest tactics to get her child to behave in the middle of a situation. The last thing my sister would’ve wanted to think about was her parenting style at that point in time. Her priority was her daughter and I had no right to interfere. I stuck my nose exactly where I shouldn’t have at the worst time possible. How my sister didn’t strangle me there and then I’ll never know because I have snapped at her (and others) for less.
I’m deeply sorry for judging her or any other parent, albeit a bit late. (Love you sis.)
* * *
So while I’m learning now, I want to make others aware too that they can learn to be more sensitive before rocking their relationship with a loved one who just had a baby.
She may just need a shower, not a solution.
If the intention is good, ask the other party if they’re ready to talk before giving advice. She may not even realize that she’s not until you ask.
And that shouldn’t be a bad thing.
For example, if you see a mother struggling to soothe her baby to sleep, don’t immediately compare her to your baby’s capability to self-soothe or volunteer your suggestions to help her, as you know less about that baby than she does.
You could ask her if she’d like to hear your ideas if she doesn’t ask you first.
Or, you could offer to take the baby so she can have a shower.
Or, you could do a tonne of house chores while she lies down on the sofa cuddling her baby.
Or you could make her a snack.
Or a 3-course meal.
In my world food is the biggest problem-solver. Apparently it’s my son’s biggest problem-solver too.
So, help another mother out by asking her what she wants, not what you think she wants.
* * *
To new mothers out there, you’ve got this.
To those supporting new mothers out there, you’ve got this too.
* * *
Thanks for reading! Follow me to see more work like this.
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Previously published on “A Parent Is Born”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Author