A Practice for Conscious Relating

I’m writing this with a sense my body is getting used to feeling more love. It’s been another week of ups and downs sometimes feeling like I’m staring into the abyss of not having a f ing clue about what I’m doing or where I’m going. The moments aren’t that frequent anymore but the human experience is intense at times, hey! Things currently causing emotional movement: moving in with my partner, building my coaching business and putting on two events for Plight Club back to back. The latter are causing stress, yes, but I think it’s moving in with my partner that’s expanding my emotional repertoire the most like a beautiful Kraken roaming under the surface. You see, even though I try to not define myself as much as possible, at times, there’s no other way to describe it. I’m an avoidant. Due to various things that happened in my formative years, my body can go numb as people are getting closer to me. It feels like pressure on the inside of my skin like there’s not enough space for the energy in my body. Well, it’s not a simile, it’s actually exactly what’s happening. As one leans into numbness and doesn’t run away from the trigger to “safety” like I used to, one’s nervous system takes time to recalibrate. It’s all well and good knowing that but, man, it’s a ride in certain moments. On all fronts, my instincts are saying, “Yup, keep going” but my Ego has other ideas — “Thanks ego for trying to keep me safe (that’s its job) but I’ve got this!”. I just started singing the Boyz 2 Men song, “My mind is telling me no, but my body, my body is telling me yehehes!” Wisdom comes from the strangest places. On that note, a wise thing to do is to not beat yourself up for having “negative” thoughts but rather acknowledge them and say thank you to that voice — it’s just trying to protect you.

My partner and I are in what is termed a “Conscious relationship”. The short way for saying we practise making space for radical honesty where we have made a commitment to not point the finger or be mean to each other. “Something has come up for me…” is said a lot! Overall, relating in this way is off-the-chain rewarding but it has to be said, conscious relationships are muddy AF at times! I’ve tried many healing methodologies from Aya to Z but nothing compares to the depths of conscious relating. As a man who’s grown from a range of emotions of about three to being able to deeply feel (and articulate) when my partner and I’s connection isn’t flowing I still have to say that, although it never feels like a job, it is an effort to stay, lean in and work through stuff together. It is epically worth it though because the depth of feeling of love, that’s the kicker of being vulnerable, keeps getting juicer and juicer. When you rewire your body mind connection to understand that the human experience ain’t so bad 🙂

PRACTICE: Sandpit sessions

WHY: To create space for both of you to say how you feel and be seen and heard by the other. A place to play and act from a place of curiosity, not judgement.

HOW TO START: An invitation to create a time once every couple of weeks to sit with your partner (or yourself) and discuss how the relationship is working. Not what you are up to but how you feel the relationship is operating. IMPORTANTLY discuss the topic of polarity — love needs security, and desire needs mystery. Privately from each other write down what’s come up for you in the last two weeks and also what you’d Drop, Add, Keep, and Improve (DAKI) from the way the relationship is working. This article explains the structure in more detail.

For more tools on tips to become better at expressing your emotions download my free e-guide here

Living consciously and by choice instead of by habit is fantastic but it’s not easy. It takes practise. It’s called “doing the work” for a reason. I’ll save you a lot of time and support you through the insecurity of change. Book a free discovery call here

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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