Acceptance Vs. Understanding

The other day I had a friend over for a visit.

I had explained to her before she came over that, thanks to cancer and an early morning visit to Texas Oncology followed by session with my physical therapist, I was low energy.

She still acted hurt when I told she’d have to leave after about an hour.

I understood.

After all, she’s only 23 years old.

Adolescents have always been self-centered. I know I was when I was in my teens. These days, people often act like that into their late 20s/early 30s.

However, later in the conversation I was a bit more outspoken with her.

She was talking about her plans for the coming week.

One reason I’d agreed to see her that day even though I was busy and knew I’d be tired — because she would be out of town from Wednesday morning until Sunday night and she sent me a text saying she really missed me. I hadn’t seen her in several months, and if I do chemo I probably won’t want to see anyone for a while.

So I asked her over and while we chatted she shared her upcoming plans.

She was really excited — one of her college friends was now a working model and she was going to be walking the runway in a neighboring city. My friend and several other sorority sisters were driving down to show their support at the show. After, they planned to stay through the weekend, having an extended party/sleepover.

My friend said she hadn’t spent time with this group for a while, because it was hard to plan a get-together.

Part of this might be because, while most of the group is now working, my friend is not. So she often seems to have time on her hands and is lonely and bored.

However, she is very supportive of her friends.

Unfortunately, instead of just being happy to be spending time with people she cares about and going to an exciting event, she is unhappy because one of her friends will be leaving Saturday instead of Sunday night.

“Do you know why she is leaving?” I asked, trying to be sympathetic.

“She wants to go to church with her family,” my friend said.

“That’s obviously very important to her.”

“But she can do that any time!” my friend said, pouting. “We haven’t seen each other in ages and this is going to be a special time when the whole group can get together!”

“Don’t you think,” I said. “That spending time with her family and God is important to her?”

“I don’t understand. I mean, she does that every week.”

“Maybe you don’t need to understand,” I said. “Maybe you just need to accept that this is who she is. These are values that are important to her. If you love her, you need to accept that, and instead of being upset about what she can’t give, be grateful for what she can.”

The reason that I could say this to her — because I’ve been an adolescent and young adult myself. I’ve had relationships what have gone sour because of choices I’ve made and I’ve learned my own hard lessons.

I hope I’ve helped my friend, just as friends have helped me. One reason I appreciate having diverse friendships — I can learn from them and become a better person.

I am fighting stage IV cancer. If you can help with medical bills, I would really appreciate it. Or if you enjoy my writing and would like to buy me a cup of coffee, that’s great too. Maybe someday I can return the favor.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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