Darlene Lancer explains how acceptance is the first step on the road to solving relationship problems.
Accepting reality enables us to live in reality. What does this mean? When life pleases us and flows in accordance with our needs and desires, we don’t think about acceptance. But when our will is frustrated, or we’re hurt in some way, our displeasure causes us to react, ranging from anger to withdrawal. We might deny or distort what’s happening to lessen our pain. We might blame others or ourselves, or we try to change things to our liking and needs.
Although in some circumstances, denial is a useful coping mechanism, it doesn’t help us solve problems. Nor does blame, anger, or withdrawal. Denial is more common than we may realize. We all alter reality somewhat by perceiving events in accordance with our personal biases. Yet, sometimes we unconsciously use the defense of denial to make reality more palatable. Examples are:
Denial helps us cope with a potential threat or uncomfortable facts and feelings, such as “I and my loved ones will die”. We also deny reality when the truth would put us in conflict with someone else or ourselves. Although denial may be helpful temporarily to cope with stress, a better defense is suppression, which is the conscious decision not to think about something. For example, a cancer patient may be served by deciding not think all the time about dying, so that he can find the courage to undergo difficult treatment.
Denial is a core symptom of codependency and addiction. We have a distorted relationship to reality – often acting against our best interest. Addicts and codependents use denial to continue addictive behavior. Meanwhile we endure the destructive consequences and painful relationships, partly due to denial and partly due to low self-esteem. Try to convince an alcoholic that he or she drinks too much or an enabler that he or she is perpetuating their child’s drug addiction. Denial can also be viewed as resistance to change. Many people leave when they come to Al-Anon and learn that program is to help them change themselves, because at first, most go mainly to “help” (change) an alcoholic.
Codependents also typically repress their feelings and needs. This denial also postpones real acceptance of a situation. Pretending to ourselves that something doesn’t bother us enables us to take constructive action, set boundaries, or find solutions to the problem.
Paradoxically, all change begins with acceptance of reality. Herein lies our power. Facing facts, including those that we dislike or even abhor, opens us to new possibilities. Acknowledging a painful truth is not easy for most of us, especially if we’re used to denying or controlling our feelings and our circumstances.
We often associate acceptance with submission and acquiescence. But acceptance of a situation or person can also be an active expression of our will – a conscious decision based upon knowledge that there are certain things we cannot change. This also prepares us to be effective agents of change. New options present themselves as our focus shifts from changing the impossible to changing what we can.
The Need to Control
The inability to give up control in defiance of facts to the contrary is another primary symptom of addiction and codependency. One of the early authors on codependency, psychiatrist Timmen Cermak, believes that codependents and addicts “control their lives by sheer force of will.”
We have a belief that things could and should be different than they are. This creates irritation and disappointment. However, there are always challenges in life, and people are unique and behave in their unique fashion. We become frustrated when things don’t go as we expect them to or when people don’t behave the way we think they should. There is a certain amount of pride and arrogance in this assumption. Psychiatrist and author Abraham Twerski adds that the addictive thinking that underlies controlling behavior exemplifies “a delusion of omnipotence.”
The first step of Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, and Codependents Anonymous addresses control. It suggests that we admit we’re powerless over our addiction, which for codependents, includes people, places, and things. In trying to change things we can’t, such as other people, we’re exerting our determination in unproductive ways, often creating more frustration and problems. Trying to change our partner leads to resentment and disaster. It’s hard enough to change ourselves! Such fruitless efforts can be considered a defense against accepting things we don’t like about a person’s behavior and the pain it causes us. Acceptance of our partner may not be easy, but it’s the key to a happy relationship.
Letting Go of Control
Recovery requires us to accept life on its own terms, to accept our powerlessness and our limitations and to accept those of others. Letting go is not easy. (See Letting Go). It’s a constant challenge for addicts and codependents, because of our internal anxiety and dis-ease and our illusion that we have control over more than we actually do. When we start to let go, we feel tremendous anxiety and often depression and emptiness. We begin to feel what our attempts at control have been trying to avoid, such as loneliness, anxiety about making needed changes, grief for love that is lost or dead, or fear that an addict may die from an overdose.
Changing What We Can
Change requires courage. The second line of the Serenity Prayer asks for courage to change what we can. Changing what we can is a healthy response to reality. This is how we become effective agents of change. A coach, counselor, or 12-Step program can provide much-needed support. Making a decision is the first step. Then change also requires patience, for our heart is slow to catch up with our intellect. Gathering information and resources, surveying our options, thinking through different outcomes, and talking it over are all part of the planning phase. As we take these preparatory steps, we build courage and confidence.
Earlier, I wrote that acceptance can be an act of will. It may take the form of a positive a change of attitude. Sometimes, that’s all we can do. There may be nothing on the outside that we can change, but acceptance of a situation brings peace of mind and allows us to enjoy the moment. A disability might limit us to cloud-watching or listening to music, both of which are more healing than enduring fear, anger, or self-pity. If we don’t feel ready to leave an unhappy or abusive relationship, we can find happiness in other areas of our lives, which may in fact change the relationship or enable us to later leave.
Many men feel guilty about not being able to spend more time with their children because of the demands of work. Guilt will lessen when they accept that they have chosen to compromise in order to provide material needs for their children, which is another way of caring for them. They could also make a different choice, and there would be different consequences. By doing this, some men might decide to reprioritize their choices or find ways to balance the scales differently. The point is that we gain more freedom by accepting the limitations of our situation and making conscious choices.
- Make a list of things over which you’re powerless.
- How do you feel about them and how do you react to the situation?
- What would happen if you accepted things as they are?
- What realistic options do you have?
©Darlene Lancer 2014
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