Aged Love

Try an experiment. Close your eyes and picture a couple in a romantic scene. . . a darkened room with candles and soft music, hands touching while dreamily staring into each other’s eyes. What do they look like in your mind’s eye? More than likely, this couple you envision would be young, in their 20s or early 30s. Love, sensuality, and romance are almost invariably linked with youthfulness.

Too many people believe that once past a certain age, passion and physical intimacy are supposed to drop away. This is a fallacy. Elders have the same needs for love, passion, and intimate touch that young people have. And they retain the ability to savor romance and loving touch throughout their lifespan. No one can know what goes on behind closed bedroom doors of the white-haired couple ambling arm in arm down the street.

Older people have the potential to achieve a quality of love that is rare in younger people. It arises from having the perspective of years of life experience and being able to separate, through that experience, what is important and meaningful, from what is not. At this level of love, physical appearance takes on an insignificant role. At this level, love becomes truly blind. Love blinds us to the ravages of time on the face and body of our beloved. But more than blinding us to their imperfections, aged love can allow us to see our partner more clearly, more deeply. With loving eyes, we are more able to perceive all of who they are. We see them in their unadorned humanness—their vulnerability, their strength, their stupidity, their wisdom—without judgment or blame. Viewed with eyes of love, we see their true beauty. This depth of vision makes an exquisite work of art even of our partner’s imperfections.

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Years of living together can expand the ways an older couple can be with each other. They no longer have to be limited to the confining roles of “romantic lover,” or “husband and wife,” or even male or female. Aged love can make it easier to encompass the additional roles of “sister/brother,” “mother/son,” “father/daughter,” “teacher/student,” and of course, “friend/friend.” With this wide range of possibilities, both partners become freer to be their genuine selves. And this freedom has the potential to greatly enrich their relationship.

Aged love can grow more delicious with the passage of the years because time becomes more precious. The couple has a tangible understanding that each passing day is one day less they will have together. The reality of their sense of impermanence makes their shared moments all the more treasured. Their understanding of the fleeting moment can prompt a couple to be as caring as possible with each other. There is no time to waste on unkindness, manipulation, and greed. No time for winning or competing. No time for holding on to anger or past resentments. With shortened life expectancy, there is no time for anything other than shared moments of love and appreciation.

Close your eyes again. Envision the same romantic scene as before—dark room, candles, soft music. This time, picture an elderly, white haired couple holding hands, staring into each other’s eyes, smiling and looking into each other’s familiar face. Sense the gentle comfort they must feel. Taste the sweetness of the scene. Know that this sweetness is a real possibility when love, like vintage wine, is given time to mature and ripen.

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Adapted from the award-winning books, THE ART OF AGING: Celebrating The Authentic Aging Self, and LOVING PROMISES: The Master Class For Creating Magnificent Relationship, by Richard Matzkin, MA.

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