Dear Dads,
I hear some of you have been struggling lately.
It sounds like you’ve been having a couple extra drinks, finding that small things get under your skin, and occasionally snapping at your family. (I also heard that you feel pretty bad about that last one.) In quiet moments you’ve been thinking, “It’s too much. Sometimes I have scary thoughts that I’ve never had before. What’s wrong with me?”
At the same time, you’re proud to be a father and take care of your family. When you drive the car on outings, you feel like a Secret Service agent protecting the most important people in the world. And you want to be there for your partner — for many of you, your wife — who carried your child and gave birth to her. Plus, everyone is so focused on supporting moms. How could you possibly have anything to complain about? You think, “Maybe I should just keep my head down and hope it will pass.”
I wonder what led you here. Did your partner suggest you talk to someone? Are you trying to figure out why you’re struggling?
I’m guessing that:
you haven’t slept the same since your child was born;
you sometimes feel jealous because she’s now your wife’s number one;
between work and family, the things you used to do to feel like a full person and clear your head have fallen off;
and there isn’t really anyone to talk to about it besides your partner, but she has plenty on her mind, too, you don’t want her to worry.
You probably didn’t realize this, but there are so many other dads out there who are experiencing the same things you are. That may be hard to believe. Men are supposed to be strong, and when you look at people’s feeds you see these perfect family lives. You think you should be happier. You think you should be more grateful. You reason that telling someone that you’re struggling would amount to complaining and showing that you can’t handle it.
Why is that? Do you consider yourself a lone wolf? Has your list of go-to people eroded with time? Have you watched too many videos of guys building cabins in the woods without power tools?
I get it, but your ability to suck it up is a myth. If even part of what you’ve read here has resonated with you, then I’m guessing you’re willing to consider that something isn’t working. If sucking it up did, then your partner wouldn’t be asking what’s wrong (or worse, growing resentful toward you), you wouldn’t be seeking distractions, and you wouldn’t be feeling like you’re drowning.
Trust me that this weight is not inevitable. So, where do you go from here? You can ask for help. You can meet up with other dads. You can begin to rediscover yourself; you can increase your sense of agency in your life; and you can build your confidence as a father. You and your family will be better for it.
With appreciation,
Troy
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