I have been fortunate enough to be able to obtain an advanced copy of Donald Trump’s acceptance speech. I can’t tell you how I was able to get my eyes on it. I will not reveal it’s entire contents. I can tell you that it is shocking. I can tell you that it is totally original.
Mr. Trump will he pledging to run a honest campaign for President of the United States, based on his experience running for the nomination of the Republican Party.
Trump promises to retire his “Make America Great Again” slogan and replace it with the slogan, “No more Slogans.”
He will state that he will no longer be criticizing anyone about anything. He will only voice support with those he agrees with. Those who speak of their agreement with him, he will always thank.
Trump plans on taking the stage under natural lighting and with a bald head. Trump will explain that his hair is sparse and gray and he is appearing before the Nation sans hair, as a symbol of his new found honesty. In an effort to reduce his use of symbolism he will stop wearing baseball caps and the World will come to see what his hair really looks like.
He will announce that he and Melina have amicably agreed to go their separate ways. Trump will reveal that he now realizes the hurt and pain he has caused women in his personal life and that he is not ready to be in a relationship, until he engages in some serious therapy. He will claim that Melina agrees whole heartedly with his assessment of himself.
He will state that he is hoping to become the first divorced POTUS. Trump will express hope that he will have made sufficient progress in his therapy, that he will be capable of dating again by the time of his secondary term in Office, if he is fortunate enough to win a second.
Trump will proclaim that he will forbid any rhetoric on his behalf that includes references to him being the next President of the United States. He will work diligently to remind himself that it is presumptuous of him to articulate that he will be our next President, as that is up to the voters.
Trump will pause from time to time in his speech, to credit portions of it that were written by others. He will pause after stating opinions to offer websites where support for the premises he cites in support of his opinions can be found. He will also offer suggestions for websites that do not support his premises or opinions, to help the potential voter be diligent in their deliberations on who to vote for.
Trump will announce which of the Republican Party’s positions he as an individual actually agrees with and those he does not. He will relate that he has come to believe that if elected he will need to represent voters who may disagree with him, as that is how a Republic works. Trump will promise to let the electorate know when he is pushing for something he doesn’t personally believe in, but is pushing for anyway, for political reasons.
Trump will promise that if elected he will “flip fop” on issues based on polls, as well as research data on social problems, professional opinions and gut hunches.
The speech’s text includes language to the effect that Trump believes that the public usually understands that Presidents mainly weigh and consider the opinions of others and serve as spokespersons for decisions made. Trump would work vigorously to remind others that he will not be the sole author of any major Presidential decisions and will give credit, where credit is due, to important decision influences.
Mr. Trump’s speech includes a portion where he details the types of situations when attempting to steer the ship of state where he may feel the need to lie. He will promise to reveal any such lying at a place and time when he feels it is okay for the Country for him to do so.
Finally, Trump’s speech will build to a climax where he fervently promises to not occupy the White House if elected. He will remind the public that he is not lacking in having places to live.
He will reveal an architectural rendition of an addition that he would have built on to the People’s House, to contain a Museum of Voter Manipulation in Presidential politics. This project will be overseen by the Smithsonian Institute.
The museum collection will include a chipped cherry tree branch and a semen stained dress. It will be home to traveling exhibits of political chicanery motivated by the “ends justifies the means” thinking. This White House annex would be painted gray.
Mr. Trump will admit that this radical change in tactics will probably assure his defeat, but he is confident that it would definitely led to him having a ghost written book that could make him millions.
Now I am skeptical. The whole speech may be one big lie. If any part of it is true though this will be a most unusually campaign. I just might change my mind about who I was planning on voting for. I will definitely buy the book.
This article is of course not true, none of it. I am counting on the ignorance of many Americian voters in hoping that you have read this far. I am counting on the wisdom of the rest of you for reading this far because you need the relief of a chuckle. The Republican Convention is stressing some people out.
Please note that anything here that you like is a product of my unique creativity as a writer. Anything you don’t like was most likely plagiarized.
The role of men is changing in the 21st century. Want to keep up? Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
Photo Credit: Getty Images