Are They Pulling Away or Are You Just Anxious? 5 Ways to Know

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Listening to our gut when something’s off can save us a lot of time and stress when we’re dating . . . but what if we can’t tell the difference between when our gut is warning us and when our anxiety is trying to sabotage us? What if the red flags we think we’re seeing are actually our fears in disguise?

If you have a tendency toward anxiety, this second-guessing can make the early days of dating extra stressful, because you may have a hard time separating an important concern from your ever-vigilant anxiety.

If you’ve ever wondered, “Is it me or is it them?” you can’t miss today’s video, in which I share five ways to tell if it’s a major concern or your anxiety talking.

Transcript provided by YouTube. Edited slight for clarity. Please excuse any discrepancies with original.

Last week, I hosted a live event called “Dating with Results.” We had a whopping 13,000 people show up live to this event. That’s like packing a small arena! It was truly amazing, and the feedback we received was incredibly heartwarming. There was one particular point that I made during the event that seemed to really resonate with people.

Here’s a simple way of looking at things: we need to evaluate the value of a person based on how they make us feel happy, not solely on how we feel about them. Often, we get caught up in investing too much in someone we’re attracted to, especially after a few great dates. The problem arises when they aren’t investing in us on the same level. So, the key is to start assessing their importance in our lives differently.

Instead of gauging their importance based on our feelings about them, we should focus on how they actually make us feel. For instance, do they make us feel anxious, unsure of ourselves, or unloved? This approach helps us better understand the impact they have on us on a day-to-day basis.

Now, let me share a story from a member of mine. We have a membership called the Love Life Club, where thousands of people receive coaching every month. This member mentioned that they loved the point I made about valuing someone based on how they make us feel, but they were struggling with whether their discomfort was due to the other person’s actions or their own anxiety.

This is a common dilemma. We sometimes find ourselves unsure whether what someone did is genuinely wrong or if it’s our own anxious response. Especially for women, past experiences of invalidation can lead to a loss of trust in their emotions. So, let me give you five ways to clear up this confusion.

Number one, if it’s too early to have a deeper conversation about your feelings with the person, shift your focus elsewhere. Engage in activities that make you present in your own life. This could be a workout, quality time with friends, or immersing yourself in a project.

Number two, consider how you feel about the person’s actions when you’re having a great day, feeling confident and connected to your worth. If you find that your insecurities disappear on your best days, your anxiety might be a bigger factor than their behavior.

Number three, introduce the “Cousin Billy” test. Imagine how someone like your level-headed cousin Billy would react in a similar situation. Use people you trust as reference points for appropriate reactions.

Number four, when you share your vulnerability, observe your feelings with them rather than inflict them upon them. Let them know that you’re working on certain aspects of yourself, and express how certain actions trigger your anxieties.

Number five, when you’re confused, ask yourself if the person is good at handling you. Do they support you in healing your wounds? Are they understanding of your insecurities and anxious moments?

Ultimately, the right relationship is one where your vulnerabilities are met with understanding and care. Finding someone who’s good at handling all aspects of you is a vital aspect of a healthy connection. So, mark your calendars for my upcoming virtual retreat in June, where we’ll dive deep into these topics and work on becoming emotionally and psychologically fit. Take care, and remember, you deserve a relationship that empowers you.

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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