Are You Betraying Yourself in Your Marriage?

Merriam-Webster defines betrayal as the violation of a person’s trust or confidence, or a moral standard, etc. And the Free Dictionary defines it to be false or disloyal to. Unfortunately, too many spouses violate their own standards or are disloyal to themselves in a vain attempt to appease their partners and “save” their marriages. Are you one of them?

It’s common advice that marriage requires compromise and sacrifice. But what exactly does this mean? For me, it means someone is giving up something that matters to them. This sounds great in theory, but the result is often growing resentment—the primary factor in the death of many marriages.

Real negotiation and agreement are necessary for any relationship to survive. You are two different people with different experiences and managing this is the biggest challenge facing any marriage. It is built-in tension that must be acknowledged and dealt with on a continuous basis. It’s understandable to want to take short cuts and find a quick way to ease your discomfort.

My client Jeff did just that. His wife’s family lived in Baltimore and, once they had children, she wanted to live close to them. This meant Jeff would have to leave a job and company he loved. He felt valued and fulfilled and knew how rare that could be. There was no comparable work in Baltimore, but he wanted his wife to be happy, so he changed his career.

When they showed up in my office, Jeff was angry and resentful that he had sacrificed something that gave him purpose and satisfaction and was never fully acknowledged. In fact, it just seemed to start him down a road of giving in to a never-ending series of things she wanted, or the children “needed”. The more he compromised, the more was demanded.

I wish this was an unusual situation, but it’s not. Fear and love kept Jeff in this unproductive cycle. He truly loved his wife and children, and he was afraid of what would happen if he said, “No”. He didn’t understand the long-term cost to how he felt about himself and the impact on his marriage.

A healthy marriage must include who you are and what matters to you. It isn’t you or your marriage. It has to be both/and. Making room for each of you to flourish as individuals is what will keep your relationship moving forward. But you need to be proactive about it. And that takes skills and practice.

Yes, marriage requires adjustment. Doing the same things in the same way as when you were single won’t work. But neither will sacrificing and compromising yourself into oblivion. Finding the middle path is the way to guard against self-betrayal and honor your commitment to your spouse. No other way will work.

If you want to learn how to do this, let’s talk.

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This post was previously published on Foundations Coaching and is republished on Medium.

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