I’m still thinking about my friend Drew, who called me a couple weeks ago claiming to be heartbroken that his ex Leia wouldn’t take him back. After he told her he was going to leave her to go see about the woman he’d had an affair with years earlier. After he kicked Leia out of his house. Drew told me that he was disappointed: He thought Leia loved him enough to “fight for their relationship.” Oh Drew.
You can’t argue with someone who wants to leave. You can’t convince them to stay. Or maybe I should phrase that, “you shouldn’t convince them to stay.” Leia did what I would have done; She cried, nodded, packed her things, and moved out and moved on.
We deserve to be chosen in our relationships. We all deserve to be with someone who sees the inherent wonder and magic in us and wants to be a part of that. We deserve someone who will be confident in choosing us, not who is so curious about a past lover that they end things with us to go see if there’s a stronger connection there, and then try to return when they realize they were wrong.
We should never feel like we have to convince someone to be with us. If we’re feeling this way, either our partner is playing mind games (where they hold the power and love to watch us grovel), they just aren’t that into us, or they are into us, but they’re too emotionally immature to show up, be present, and communicate openly so that we feel secure in your relationship. None of those bode well for a secure, happy relationship.
The minute someone says they want to “fight for the relationship” it tells me at least one of several things:
They didn’t listen when their partner said they weren’t happy and things couldn’t continue as they have been going, and thus didn’t care enough to make an effort while their partner was still invested. In other words, they didn’t believe their partner would leave and waited too long to offer up changes. This is manipulation.
They didn’t value their partner enough to put in the effort to find out how their partner wants to be loved and what makes them feel heard, seen, and valued in the relationship.
Their partner isn’t that into them, but is settling. For now. Until they meet someone who intrigues them more.
Their partner enjoys playing mind games, having the upper hand, and knowing that they are not as interested or invested in a relationship. They won’t be straightforward and communicate what they need in the relationship; Instead, it will be a series of tests of “love” they will put their partner through until either they get bored and discard their partner, or their partner has had enough and walks away of their own accord. Drew was testing Leia, and even if she had begged him to stay, I still think he would eventually have left. He’s upset, not because Leia won’t take him back, but because the other woman didn’t work out and now he’s alone.
Conversely, people who value their relationship consistently do these 6 things:
They show commitment to helping the longevity of the relationship thrive, even if it occasionally is at the expense of immediate fun. This means if you’ve both agreed to be monogamous, you both honor this if you value your relationship.
They show gratitude. Partners who value their relationship are appreciative of the big and little things their partner does that improve their life together.
They show confidence in the relationship and are willing to talk about (and follow through with!) future plans.
They show they care. They are attentive and notice when their partner seems different. They seek to find out what’s going on and how (if) they can help.
They initiate and/or participate in difficult conversations to make sure the relationship is thriving.
They put forth consistent, reciprocal effort. There may be days when one partner doesn’t have as much energy to give to the relationship, or one must compromise a little more for the sake of the team, but on the whole, effort and energy poured into the relationship should ideally be balanced.
Happy, fulfilling relationships don’t feel like a constant fight for recognition or validation. They don’t require pleading with someone else to value us (which often has the opposite effect).
We can’t control other people’s actions, but we can set our own boundaries about situations we will tolerate. If my partner wants to stay of his own accord — and be present and contribute — I welcome that. And if he wants to leave, I will bid him farewell. But I won’t ever “fight” for a relationship.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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