Craving the love buzz
I literally couldn’t breathe.
Do you remember when you were a kid and got explosively excited about going to Disney or opening birthday presents? Multiply that by a thousand and you’ll be in the ballpark of how I feel when I’m in love.
I love large.
Too large probably.
I fell insanely in love at 23, 32, and 46. The first one was the deepest in terms of pure obsessive-compulsiveness. I was 100% sure if that magical love was reciprocated I would be happy for the rest of my days.
At 32 and 46, the initial emotion, desire, and mind-blowing explosiveness similarly launched those relationships to stratospheric levels.
Even though in those early stages of love, I felt more alive, on top of the world, powerful, and exhilarated than I could have ever imagined, it wasn’t lasting. It was the same barely containable psychological adrenaline and jumpy excitement you see in a 3-year-old on Christmas morning — brain-fueled ecstasy.
Longevity examined
It struck me, the three children I raised, 29, 26, and 19, have already been in monogamous, traditional relationships for 5 years. Of course, there are no guarantees, but I am pleased, proud, and strangely confounded by this.
While all three of them (2 are stepchildren) spent most of their childhood in a two-parent household, both their mom and I had been married before, unsuccessfully.
How is it that all three of them are defying modern relationship odds? Was it the overdose of instant mac ’n’ cheese? Were they trying to avoid the mistakes we made?
Regardless, they found a way to effectively land their love and enjoy a profound deep, meaningful closeness and connectedness.
Initial crazy love
I can’t get into their heads but from all outward appearances all three of them started out the way I did around their age. In that unexplainable, unpredictable, mystical state of mind, we loosely call infatuation, attraction, or the beginning of potential love.
And despite being very young, the seeds of their relationships were of their own making. There was no prodding (matchmaking) or external forces or interference. Something magnetic occurred, and like nearly every adolescent, they rode it like a cowboy on a wild stallion, ultimately finding symbiosis.
My ex and I were tickled and cautiously excited by our kid’s “puppy love” and assumed they would learn from it and apply those lessons.
Instead, they held up much tighter and longer than we could’ve ever imagined. And it is both sweet and instructive.
Manageable expectations
Ego and narcissism play a much smaller role in this current generation’s relationships.
They have societal and financial pressures but enjoy their current circumstances as they are. Phrases like, “You’re the man of the house,” or “Be a man,” or “That’s a woman thing,” have not likely been uttered by any of them.
Maybe the man makes the money; maybe it’s the woman. Maybe the woman raises the kids; maybe it’s the man. Maybe the woman is sensitive and emotional, or maybe it’s the man who cries after Nicholas Spark’s films.
Whatever pressure they may feel from internal or external forces is limited and doesn’t interfere with what they accomplish as a team.
They accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses without prejudice as to who “should” be performing specific tasks. They know each other well, from what they like to eat, watch, explore, and acquire.
I’ve tried, out of respectful curiosity, to analyze their success by asking them whether they had a honeymoon phase and how they feel about being together for 5 years — which constitutes 17% to 25% of their lives — but they looked at me like I was from another planet.
Attached at the hip
Of course, long-distance relationships can work, but many happy couples seem to spend nearly every moment together. In a way like siblings, where two people process so much of life’s early adventures together, they create a deep, multi-layered bond.
These couples grow to know each other better than they know themselves. They’re together almost every day. After a year or two, they finish each other’s sentences, a direct result of committing so much time.
Raw compatibility
Through a mysterious process of raw compatibility and cooperation, happy couples tend to like many of the same things: food, travel, entertainment, hobbies, and social media.
They develop similar sleep patterns. Their days are beautifully orchestrated because there is little to worry about. They dream and plan and wish for things, but when those things don’t happen, they move on….together.
Summary
Partnering up is cool. And shouldn’t be very difficult or painful.
For many, trying to define love with words is silly. Expressions like “The honeymoon phase,” or old-fashioned gender roles like insisting women raise the kids and men go to work, no longer apply.
It’s possible this current generation is the first to have completely shaken off fixed gender roles and unreasonable or unattainable expectations. This new philosophy reduces the blame game or guilt over not living up to societal and cultural expectations.
If I had to identify a common denominator with happy couples, it would be….time. Not always measured in hours but as frequent as possible.
Time together tells us things.
It reveals whether we’re in a mental place to enjoy a long-term, committed, relationship.
Some people (Hi there) may demand too much control and role delineation to be able to create that peace and harmony we know can exist with many couples.
And it may be that simple. A long-lasting relationship depends on mental expectations. If the love is based on each person achieving a certain financial or social status, those expectations can be crushing when not met.
Maybe it’s just, “Yeah I know we promised each other we’d be much farther along by now, but that’s okay, we’ve got each other.”
Attraction is the seed…
….love is when it grows.
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Previously Published on medium
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