Breaking Up is Hard to Do

The most inspiring joy in our relationships is the excitement of building a great future together.

Of finding the one with whom you can create a life larger than just the sum of its parts, bringing new meaning, happiness, and purpose into your current existence. To this end, we throw our heart and soul into our partner, into our relationship, with such high expectations of a generous return on our investment. We sacrifice, we let down our guard, we share our vulnerabilities, and we take on tremendous responsibilities. We gently place our very being in our partner’s hands, trusting them with our most precious gift.

And as we grow together, as our efforts and responsibilities for each other expand, so does our closeness and trust. We share with our loved ones secrets we wouldn’t tell anybody else. We make core changes in our personalities and behaviors for the sake of ‘us.’ We prioritize our relationship in a way that oftentimes means letting go of previous connections we’ve held onto. Our full-time focus becomes our current and future life together, which we build day by day.

For many, this mission lasts a lifetime — literally, “until death do us part.”

But for some, it’s cut short at some point. One or both of us lose interest, become disillusioned, or are just disappointed to the point of no return. Sometimes there is what is known as “crisis affairs in middle-aged men” — a form of extra-marital relationship that occurs during or after a significant life event.

Sometimes, when the relationship mutually falls apart, we can escape with only some minor scrapes and bruises. But when we are not ready to let go of a partner who is already out the door, the disappointment is crushing.

And when this happens, just like any deep wound, scars form. Our body and mind tell us that we made a big mistake in the path we chose. That all our sacrifice and effort was for naught and worse — that opening ourselves up to another is an invitation for painful heartache. That we can never fully trust another person, and we must always protect ourselves, even in true love, if that exists for us anymore. When our love ended, so did a piece of us — a piece of our heart, of our lives.

Time heals all wounds. But does it really?

In time, the sting of lost love dissipates, and life moves onward. But we are never the same. Our experience has changed us irrevocably. And while deep wounds eventually scar over, they are always present, reminding us of the pain that caused them in the first place.

Can we ever heal enough to love again? Can we ever become whole once more, to give, sacrifice, and trust another? Now is not the time to shrug our shoulders and move on. Now is the time to face our challenges, our mistakes, and ourselves. As we are human, we are imperfect and yet still worthy of love. Still capable of loving another. Of choosing wisely, of opening our hearts — cautiously this time — and letting another in.

For some of us, finding our soulmate is as straightforward as walking upright. And for others, the path is filled with potholes, obstacles, and harsh lessons.

At the end of the day, though, we all can love ourselves and our partners enough to have a great marriage.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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