Can We Smash White Supremacy or the Patriarchy by Talking About Them?

Outrage and response

Reading almost daily on Medium, we see stories — a lot — about injustice, racism, sexism, and the intersection of these, including xenophobia, homophobia, and bigotry of all types.

There is a trend. Stories about racism spark outrage of the “But, ALL lives matter,” kind. And stories about sexism, poke the patriarchal Huggie-bear of “Not All Men.”

Once upon a time, people used to agree on things and were pleasantly neither gender blind, nor color blind, but just plain social justice blind.

Television shows used to tell nice stories about white, bumbling (or perfect) dads from bygone eras. Or they were about how everyone loves Raymond, or Frasier and Niles Crane latest misunderstanding within the complex dynamics of women in their lives, who were always somewhat suspect as the name Lilith, or the conspicuously absent, Maris Crane suggests.

We can’t seem to have a nice story anymore, and whether they are or not, men feel villainized by modern media. The rightwing media, whether reflective of reality or not, sees this battle of the sexes as a money-maker, so will never let go. It’s similar with racism. The divisiveness itself seems to move the needle nowhere but into big-media bank accounts.

There is outrage, and response, but there is even more non-response. We need to look at why.

Smashing stuff

Can we ever get anywhere if all we do is whine at one another about who is the actual guilty party? The idea that supremacy is not real, or that all opportunity is equal, is obviously false, yet looking at these two topics alone, will we ever address the class issues, the wealth disparity, the power disparity, or allyship as the world really needs?

My distinct impression is that people turn away, the moment they feel defensive.

People get defensive because people are people. There are lots of conservative people in my family of origin. They thoroughly believe that race division is at least in part because Black people want to stay “in an angry fight,” or as one cousin told me, “It’s all just to stir up trouble.” These family members would not recognize terms like white fragility, white woman tears, or white toxicity as anything but buzz words meant to vilify them.

We are trying to vilify racism, not racists. As Robin DiAngelo herself has said, “I have a racist worldview.” She recognizes that people in a racist world are racist people. If they are uncomfortable being called out on their racism, they weaponize that fragility. Progressives struggling to be post-racial are insensitive and not listening enough.

As many people have noticed, conservatives, well established in hierarchy are not listening at all.

Psychologically, people are uncomfortable being uncomfortable, and that presents a problem to all listeners everywhere. In some cases, it invites political support to inequality.

A similar event happens when we talk about sexism. Terms like toxic masculinity are interpreted to imply that masculinity itself is toxic, rather than toxic aggression, toxic violence, toxic rape culture, or toxic pay-gaps, and pink taxes.

A lot of people are quite offended by the term “Karen.” It is sexist and racist. Despite attempts no one is calling out men who complain with a successful name-calling campaign. Not even the insulted Dumpsters (ooops, name-calling there, yes, I’m guilty) happening to be male, are called Karens although demanding to “see the manager” — that is: — “I demand to… correct this injustice, stop this witch-hunt, restore this stolen election,” etc. is all they are ever on and on about.

While they treasonously storm the capital, progressives are vilified for our incompetence and, even sometimes, our complicity.

Victimhood is the participation trophy everyone wants to display.

About white women tears

The critics, and mean-hearted memes have a point. If we want men to feel free to cry natural tears, and not be labeled as pussies for doing so, we can’t villainize tears themselves as white, womanly, or sissy, in any way shape or form. Education about why they exist might help.

Winning the hearts and minds of people who realize “But our young and attractive white woman ARE more valuable,” (Someone actually said this to me,) reflects a sad truth. In our culture, young, beautiful, and white, is of greater value because it’s sold to us that way. If it were easy to monetize ancient, old, ugly men and women who are cantankerous, fat, or BIPOC, we would see a lot more of them in all advertising, celebrity worship, athletics, and more.

We don’t.

Yet, if some people do not understand that “white woman tears” are a manipulation of a privilege that historically existed, maybe they can’t.

The best tears are human, and healing. Let’s all cry human tears for what we have allowed.

So far as I can tell, we should be shedding them for loss of biodiversity and extinction, the most tragic legacy we have of oppression and colonialism, including all gender and race issues. The disappearance of a young, attractive white woman sensationalized by the media is reflective of racism and sexism itself, but also environmental injustice, extinction, and the unraveling.

This week, the outrage follows the shocking, (SHOCKING!!) revelation that Facebook and social media damage a young woman’s self-esteem, mental health, and chances of later corporate success.

Maybe the Gabby Getito case might have provided a clue in that?

Listening is not our strong point.

If it were, we would connect, empathize, and help one another instead of worshipping the media moguls and enriching the profiteers of inequality. Can we listen effectively?

I hope we do someday.

—

This post was previously published on Medium.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything