A friend recently shared that her amazing new relationship had fallen into a bout of bickering. Everything had been going so well but what did this mean? Did it mean he wasn’t right for her?
It turns out that like individuals, relationships also undergo developmental stages, which can sometimes lead to awkward moments for those involved. For instance, once the honeymoon phase fades and the rose-colored glasses come off, differences in opinions emerge. What was previously agreeable might now be met with reluctance.
As familiarity between individuals grows, so does their honesty, often resulting in conflicts, arguments, or disagreements. This is a natural progression, provided it doesn’t escalate into unsafe or dangerous situations.
Although conflict is never pleasant, it signifies growth and deepening of the relationship. During these challenging developmental stages, relationships typically either strengthen or come to an end.
If one is with a person possessing qualities they value — such as kindness, responsibility, and compassion — and with whom they enjoy spending time, adopting these three key mindsets can assist in navigating these phases.
1. It’s Ok to Not Be the Same
In the honeymoon stage, our brains are in a fog of love. We can’t believe how much we have in common. This is by design because our brains want us to connect, create bonds and ultimately reproduce. This stage is necessary because it creates a solid foundation between two people that will enable them to handle future difficulties.
After the honeymoon stage, the small differences begin to appear. We don’t want to always do the same thing at the same time. Whereas in the honeymoon stage we would have been happy to go along and see a movie that might not have been a first choice, now, we don’t and we say so.
This is not you becoming disagreeable, it’s you becoming more honest, which is a good thing.
What’s the path through it? If you’re with a good person, it starts with acceptance.
“Few arguments are resolved by landing on the same page. Most are reconciled by recognizing that reasonable people can hold different views. The highest goal of disagreement is not to determine who’s right. It’s to maintain mutual respect and gain mutual understanding.”
–
Adam Grant, Professor, Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania
2. More Words are Not the Answer
When we hit our first large snag in our relationship, it’s common to want to talk it through. And then talk it through some more. We have a rule in our relationship that we can’t bring up difficult problems after 9pm, especially when we’ve gone to bed. When you’re tired and it’s late, things can go south very quickly.
Couples therapist, Stan Tatkin, even recommends putting a timer on when you start fighting and setting a rule that no fight can go on longer than 15 minutes!
But when the disagreement is about something really important and meaningful like child-rearing, sex, or religion, it can get very tricky.
Couples Therapist, David Schnarch, refers to our most difficult conflicts as intractable conflicts, which are the ones that seem impossible to resolve. These are the fights that you have over and over again and you feel worse after. These usually cannot be solved by communication. If you’re having the same fight over and over, you have what he calls a “gridlocked conflict”.
As we get closer to people, we are confronted with differences in beliefs, desires, goals, and long-term dreams. With gridlock, the issue is central to your or your partner’s identity. You might find that your partner demands that you agree with him or her, because it’s such a high-value issue and when there is disagreement about something that’s a big part of who you are, the disagreement can feel like a very painful rejection.
“If you don’t agree withe me, I feel unloved.”
– David Schnarch
A lot of people just give in because they don’t want to deal with the fight but if you really don’t agree, then you are not being honest and this creates distance and breaks in the relationship.
Schnarch reframes the problem as stemming from needing your partner’s agreement and approval. It’s not the content of the fight at hand, which is why revisiting the content of the fight over and over again doesn’t resolve it.
3. The Path to Interdependence
Instead of trying to force, berate, or pressure each other into agreement, working through this and taking your relationship to the next level will require us to “grow ourselves up”.
What does this mean? It starts by learning how to calm yourself down during conflicts and not overreact. Also, it requires us to not create distance or run away so you can both truly hear each other.
For couples therapists, these choppy waters are not pathological but rather a developmental stage in the journey towards greater intimacy.
Deeply personal and fundamental differences between couples are normal. Ultimately, your relationship will work if you’ve chosen a person with a set of “perpetual problems” that you can learn to accept and live with.
But in relationships, the paradox is that the closer we get to someone, the stronger we need to be who we are. Otherwise, it’s easy to find ourselves either collapsing into our partner and losing ourselves or becoming too independent and separate. Neither extreme is good for the relationship.
It’s not about dependence or independence but about interdependence.
The more we can stand on our own two feet in relationship, and be clear about the goodness and validity of both of our positions when we disagree, the more we’ll grow up and become better partners, fostering a more grown up relationship that’s stronger and healthier.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Etienne Boulanger on Unsplash