“No is a complete sentence.”
- Anne Lamott
And here comes another boundaries lesson…
If this life is some sort of spiritual classroom, then I have taken the “Boundaries 101” class far too many times, in my humble opinion. And yet, the damn tests just keep on coming.
Case in point is my current challenge: planning a trip through Europe this fall with a dear friend of mine. Yes, the countdown is on…considering it’s late August as I write this! Our accommodations should have been booked months ago…or at least, weeks ago.
No wait. They were booked weeks ago—by me. I put an astronomical amount of time and effort into researching the best possible accommodations that would suit both our needs: her frugality and a bedroom of my own, so that I can work & write in the mornings. I am traveling with a friend who is, shall I say, beyond cheap.
And so, despite the fact that I spent a ridiculous amount of time over the summer (hours that would have been far better spent writing!) booking hotels and apartments that were reasonably priced, she is now having me cancel some of those reservations.
Why?
Because she found better deals. But here’s the problem: when she went to book those better deals (after having me cancel my reservations), she discovered that a big reason why they were so cheap was because they were non-refundable.
So now we are right back at square one: both of us madly researching inexpensive places to stay in some of the world’s most expensive cities.
Call me crazy, but this is not the most effective way to plan a trip—especially on a tight budget.
At any rate, now that I’ve got my rant out of the way, let’s get down to the boundaries lesson:
My friend’s extreme frugality is her issue—not mine. I don’t know whether she is one of those people who finds a sporting sort of joy in being as cheap as humanly possible—or whether she really does have to be very careful about keeping the costs low, for financial reasons. That’s not my business. What is my business is that I am anxious, stressed, irritated and spending way too much time and energy trying to find accommodations that save her money—and give me the space I need to get my work done.
When we first started looking into accommodations, I made it crystal clear as to what my needs were as a digital nomad writer. She didn’t particularly like or understand the fact that I needed my own hotel room—or own bedroom in a shared apartment—but she was aware of it.
What I wasn’t aware of (in hindsight) was just how difficult it would be to find inexpensive accommodations in expensive cities…that were still somewhat centrally located and safe, etc.
Correction: I WAS aware it would be challenging to find decent places at a really good prices. I just didn’t realize how low her price-point was. I realize now that she was hoping to pay $75 per night for her own hotel room/her share of an apartment. A private room at a hostel is going for $200 a night in some of the cities we are staying in!
What we should do now—what I should have insisted upon in the beginning—is that we just book our own accommodation, as close as possible to one another. Alas, she doesn’t want to do that either. She doesn’t want to be on her own.
So where does this leave us? What is the best course of action to take so that we’re both happy?
For the answer to this question, I turned to a fantastic book I just finished reading. It’s called She Builds; the Anti-Hustle Guide to Grow Your Business and Nourish Your Life. Not surprisingly, the author, Jadah Sellner, offers some sage advice about the importance of establishing and enforcing boundaries.
“Sometimes we’re wishy-washy with our boundaries because we are not clear with ourselves about what we want or need,” writes Sellner. “Before you can communicate clearly to others, ask yourself: What do I want? What don’t I want? What am I available for? What am I not available for? You will uncover what you are not willing to tolerate.”
Bingo!
Although I was crystal clear months ago what I wanted and needed on this trip—and communicated those wants and needs to my friend—I realize now that by spending so much time trying to find inexpensive places to stay (and then having to cancel when she found even cheaper places) has made me resentful. I can’t get that time back. And I’m angry at myself for allowing—yet again—other people’s needs and wants to take precedence over my own.
Anne Lamott is right: no is a complete sentence. I know what I need to do to make this trip as enjoyable and productive as possible for myself. I need to book the accommodations I want to stay at. And she can book the accommodations where she wants to stay.
I am going to have to tell my friend no. And mean it.
What I absolutely cannot do—and will not do—is waste too many more precious hours searching for a needle in the haystack. For me, trying to get the best deal has become a burden. And since I’m not the one who wants to find the best deal, then it’s time to let that burden go.
Because here’s another thing: a scarcity mindset can be contagious. That’s not how I want to live my life. Being prudent with one’s money is one thing; devoting a huge chunk of one’s precious time and energy to holding on to money is quite another.
How about you?
Is there a situation you’re dealing with that is challenging you to set and enforce some boundaries? Are you crystal clear on what you want out of a certain situation? Is your willingness to compromise starting to feel like a burden?
—
iStock image
