Choosy Beggars

Beggars can’t be choosers ~Old Saying

Look at all these choosy beggars! ~Reddit, 2022

It was Christmas 2018. We’d been together less than two years and had bought a lovely house earlier in the year (I paid 100% of the down payment, but that’s another story). The narcissist was very stressed out about money. I offered to lend him $5,000 to get him through a couple of months, as he was sure a big contract was coming in the new year. I recall thinking I was being very kind and that he would be appreciative and grateful. Instead, he immediately — I mean, with no pause whatsoever — said “Could you make it $10,000? $5,000 won’t really do it.” I was kind of shocked that he would basically meet my generous offer with, well, a bit of a demand. I said yes, but I wasn’t happy about it.

It wasn’t until I started following the hilarious Charlotte Dobre on YouTube that I heard the term “choosy beggars.” This is actually a Reddit thread, and it’s both incredibly funny and deeply sad. The thread is full of people who were, for example, offered free furniture and insisted on delivery as well. Or got very cantankerous and demanding when replying to a Facebook Marketplace ad that wasn’t quite cheap enough for their taste. As I read these stories I realized that I had my own choosy beggar example from my ex.

What is a choosy beggar? Generally, someone who is offered something, but then demands something else, or just more. While I’m sure not all of them are actually full-blown narcissists, they have to all be narcissistic to some degree. What else would make someone display that sort of entitlement and lack of appreciation?

It’s natural to feel put off by someone acting entitled and unappreciative (which is why I think the Reddit thread is so popular — we tend to love a good opportunity to feel righteous on someone else’s behalf). And since this happened, I have learned that my resentment is not a character flaw or a sign that I am a cold, unfeeling person who doesn’t want to help people. It is a cue that something is wrong.

In this case, I knew I could manage a $5,000 loan, even if something went wrong and he was unable to repay me. I had thought it through, including all possible outcomes, which is why I had offered that amount. The risk of having to absorb $10,000 was really out of my comfort zone, though, and I did not feel ok with it. But his quick response put me off, and, taken by surprise and not wanting to seem uncaring, I said yes even though I didn’t want to.

Giving in to a choosy beggar can feel like we have violated our own values and needs, and even put something important to ourselves at risk. So what to do? The second best way to deal with a choosy beggar is to say NO when they ask for more / better / different after you offer them something. The best way to deal with a choosy beggar is to sniff them out in the first place and don’t offer anything to people who consistently act entitled. They are likely to bring this sense of entitlement to your gift or offer of help. Cut them off and walk away with your wallet and dignity intact.

EDIT: I left him two months later and even though his “big contract” never came in, I did get every penny back — eventually.

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This post was previously published on butnowiknowyourname.wordpress.com and is republished on Medium.

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