How has the digital age impacted how we choose and interact with our inner sanctum of true and trusted friends?
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If you’ve seen the movie, Meet The Parents, you’ll know the scene when Ben Stiller makes it into the “Byrne’s Family Circle of Trust”, and is privy to the knowledge that his father-in-law was in the CIA. Or is in the CIA. We’re never quite sure. Here’s a culmination of it from Meet the Parents and Meet The Fockers.
I love that concept because it indicates a cultural meme we all encounter: who makes it into our own inner circle? Who do we trust? And how do people get in? How do we create boundaries for who we let get close to us, and who we keep further away? And how does digital media effect all of this?
Thinking about the number of people that are considered “friends” or “followers” now on social media, how do you know who is someone worthy of being in that inner sanctum? Can we build connection, true connection, on a digital medium?
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I used to have strong rules about accepting friendships.
Who makes it into our own inner circle? Who do we trust? And how do people get in? How do we create boundaries for who we let get close to us, and who we keep further away?
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When I first became familiar with Facebook in 2010, I solely accepted friendship requests of people I had met in person via classes, workshops, communities, etc.
At one point a woman said, “You have over 700 friends!” I asked if that was a lot or not very many, having no idea what the going rate of friendships was at that time. That same woman started friend requesting all my friends, and I thought that seemed odd, since she’d never met half of them.
Then I started looking to see what the average amount of friends others had, and some of my friends had 3000-5000 friends! Suddenly I felt like I should have more friends. I was also admonished for not “liking” the comments on photos I’d posted, a friend telling me that was bad etiquette on Facebook.
Etiquette? I didn’t even know there WAS etiquette!
I have met amazing people who I never would’ve run across without the advent of social media.
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I was a teacher and most of my work was live; not online, so this was a whole new world. Since I figured I’d better get with the program, I loosened my boundaries and accepted friendships of people I had never met. I’m glad I did. I have met amazing people who I never would’ve run across without the advent of social media; some friendships that have been created in real-life sustain connection online and some online friendships have made the jump into real life.
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The vast landscape of social media-ism allows writers to be vulnerable on the page, and speakers to be open and authentic on the stage. With all the openness and vulnerability, the audience may truly get a feeling of “knowing” the writer or speaker. Part of it is true, we are sharing from an authentic place and part of it is a convention of this digital age. And part of it is us telling the story of ourselves. (You may need to read that again.)
I didn’t really get with the program of Facebook until mid-2012, and posted my first meme that year. Now you can’t stop me, I’m a meme-making machine. Bite-sized wisdoms.
Back to my original question: How do keep ourselves protected in this age when access to profiles about us is 24/7, someone can send us private messages when they used to need to access to our emails (consent), and anyone can “follow” us?
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Who’s in your “Circle of Trust”?
First of all, never let yourself be entirely open. Check your privacy settings. Check your location settings. If you work in the online world, you’ll want to have some well-chosen things public but not everything. There are pros and cons to having Pages, or personal profiles: it’s all about access. Facebook doesn’t share as nicely with Pages, it likes it when you pay to play. The algorithmy-thing shares personal pages more widely, so you’ll see more of that. Still — please don’t let someone you don’t know have open access to you. Just don’t.
Let friendships develop over time. If you find that you enjoy someone’s commentary or remarks, don’t feel a rush to instantly PM them. Allow the time and space for a foundation to develop. If you do become friends with someone new, try not to get too personal up front. And vice versa. If someone rushes into friendship with you, PM’g you all types of intimate questions, be cautious. I had a gentleman commenting on my posts asking me questions, and when I didn’t respond right away, he PM’d me. Publicly I explained that I don’t privately correspond with people I don’t know. He continued to PM me, I think it was up to 7-8 times before he was eventually blocked. Blocking is a tool, use it.
Choose the people you accept in friendship. Look at their profiles, see if there are like-minded posts. Blindly accepting others has gotten many of us in trouble, we end up having to deal with unfriending people we probably shouldn’t have taken in in the first place. Be discerning.
Create your boundaries. Every person has to decide what their “Rules of Engagement” are around this, and stick to it. IF you have a rule about not having people negatively bash others on your page, then stick to it. If you have a rule about PG13 language and themes on your page as I do (I have students and parents of students on my page, so I cull out anything R-rated), then stick to it. If you have a rule about not interacting privately with people you don’t know, then don’t. If you choose your boundary, stick to it.
Last, please know that online is still a medium. Which means whatever you say online is still you, and people can take screenshots or your words and if they can be used against you, just know what you are saying. Not everyone has your best interests at heart. There’s no way for it to be 100% confidential, it’s an open source medium. Someone, other than you, has access to your words, your pictures, your comments, your posts. Please remember that. Just be safe.
Boundaries are easier to keep once you set them. But the hardest part is to set them. We usually only know what are boundaries are, but what’s been crossed. Said another way, it’s easy to find your own comfortable edges by seeing what makes you uncomfortable.
If someone crosses a boundary after you set it, it is time to set a stronger boundary or usher that person further away. That’s the purpose of boundaries: to keep us safe. Even if it’s to maintain online psyche sanity, you get to keep that part of your life sanctified because you say so.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock