The worst dating experience I had was dating a stonewaller.
Not only did he shut down during hard conversations, but he also bottled up his feelings all the time — which lead to an even bigger problem.
“Stonewalling is an absolute refusal to consider your partner’s perspective.” — Steven Stosny, Ph.D.
The signs aren’t always obvious but if your gut is telling you something is wrong, then you need to take it seriously.
1/ They avoid hard and comfortable conversations every single time
The other day, my husband and I got into a big argument.
Despite all the hurtful words we said to each other, we were still willing to sit down and go through hard conversations.
We didn’t just shut down or run away from each other.
I noticed many of my past relationships failed because of this exact thing.
It’s either I didn’t have enough patience or my exes just avoided uncomfortable conversations at all cost.
When building a long-term relationship, it’s crucial to know that someone you’re currently dating is also down for the rough times.
This includes being willing to at least listen and talk it out.
Rather than avoiding it all the time.
Words they usually use:
- “That’s it, I don’t want to hear anything about it anymore”
- “Please leave me alone”
2/ They prefer to give you hints rather than clear and direct communication
Stonewalling behavior can also be seen from the tendency to give hints — rather than direct communication.
This is also called passive-aggressive behavior.
Instead of saying it as it is, they like to go around the bush. But also have a high expectation that you’ll just “get it”.
This is extremely hard to deal with. For me personally, I like my partner to say the truth — even if it hurts me for a couple of hours.
Because when you’re not being clear yet expect others to understand, it only creates more relationship drama.
You get frustrated that they keep throwing hints and they think you should figure it out.
Words they usually use:
- “Why don’t you get it?”
- “I’ve explained enough”
The next point is where things usually end up…
3/ They blame you like, all the time
Oh, the blaming game…
It drove me crazy when my ex did this. We dated for a few months in college but I already could tell how irresponsible he was.
Nothing turns you off more than someone who doesn’t want to take responsibility for their own mistakes.
Stonewallers like to do this because it’s hard for them to be vulnerable.
That’s also why when you date a stonewaller, you’ll realize you’re the one who apologizes a lot.
You can never call them out even when they’re wrong because you’re tired of getting blamed.
Words they usually use:
- “I wouldn’t do xxx if you didn’t do xxx”
- “We’re stuck in this situation because of you”
- “You just make things worse”
4/ Often, they don’t take your feelings seriously
As mentioned in the previous point, stonewaller doesn’t like having hard conversations.
This also means they might not take your feelings seriously.
In some extreme cases, they even disregard your feelings completely.
I still think it’s impossible to build a healthy relationship with somebody who doesn’t care about how you feel.
It’s extremely painful when someone you pour your heart into isn’t willing to do the same.
Whenever you try to talk about something that bothers you, you’ll get shut down.
I know how it felt, I’ve been there too many times.
People think stonewalling is just an act of shutting down and refusing to have hard conversations, but it’s more than that.
It’s their inability to put themselves in your shoes and always expect things to go their way.
Words they usually use:
- “I don’t have time for this conversation”
- “Is it worth mentioning? It already happened!”
…
The tricky thing about stonewallers is, sometimes you can’t see it clearly until you spend enough time with them.
This means by the time you find out, you’ve already too deep into the relationship. That’s why many people end up feeling stuck.
It’s important to understand that sometimes a relationship isn’t worth saving.
Just because you love them and you want to fix it, that doesn’t mean the person you’re dating is feeling the same.
After all, what’s the point of being in a relationship when it’s only you who put in the effort?
So if you’re currently dating a stonewaller, ask yourself first whether it’s still worth trying.
If it is, then be prepared because you’ve got a long way to go.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Ali Pazani on Unsplash
