At some point in my exploration of this complicated area, I came across the idea of cognitive traps, patterns of thought that keep us from seeing things as they really are. There are two classic (and somewhat interrelated) cognitive traps that can keep us in toxic relationships even when they are causing extreme disruption in our lives:
ONE, the Sunk Cost Fallacy. A concept from behavioral economics, the “sunk cost fallacy” is the reason someone might put a lot of coins into a slot machine and not want to step away because it just has to pay off soon (or so they think). Or the person may hold on to a stock that is tanking rather than getting out when they can.
In terms of being in a toxic relationship, commonly we’ve put a great deal of effort into it. Emotionally, we have often invested time and effort into understanding the toxic person, listened to them, had difficult conversations, shared our feelings, perhaps even gone to counseling. Practically, we may have had a family together, bought property, moved, taken a new job or quit one, etc.
Just like walking away from a slot machine, it can be very hard to get one’s head around the idea that all of this is not going to pay off. But just like the slot machine and the bad stock, the relationship with a narcissist typically keeps taking and taking until there is nothing left. But the thinking can be, what if I leave the party too soon?
The leads us to cognitive trap TWO. We want to be 100% sure it won’t change (and toxic people can be very manipulative and convincing about their plans and intentions to change). What if they change? What if it gets better? What if the next person gets the nice version? And related, what if I just didn’t try hard enough?
We can spend months and years spinning in these sticky traps, but I have a couple of suggestions for how to break their spell:
1–Education. As you read or view content on narcissism and narcissistic relationships, the classic patterns become more and more obvious. This helps us depersonalize the treatment we’ve received and see the disorder as the manipulative, largely unfixable thing that it is.
2–Connection. Our brains love to learn through stories. Connecting with other targets of abuse and hearing their stories is a great way to loosen the bonds of a cognitive trap. (And sharing our own to help others can be a powerful healing strategy as well.)
3–Support. A trained coach or counselor can help us question the cognitive traps. Often a good external perspective is incredibly powerful in breaking through our patterns of thought that keep us from seeing things as they really are.
I have connected with hundreds of targets of relational abuse in many forms, from the workplace to family to intimate partnerships. And while the process itself often brings up a lot of doubt, I have never heard anyone who was authentically on the other side of their healing say they wish they had stayed with a toxic person longer.
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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.
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