It happens every time I’m in a discussion about sexism, be it domestic abuse, cat-calling or the ‘smaller stuff’ like women doing most of the ‘emotional labour’ both at home and at work. Dude comes in and insists we think about the (few) men in the same situation, or demands to know why we’re only helping women?
On Sunday, after England’s glorious win in the Euro2022 football (soccer) game against Ukraine, comedy writer Madeleine Brettingham @littlemaddles tweeted about the team’s manager –
Gareth Southgate is the ultimate middle-aged crush. I just want him to drive me to a colonoscopy appointment then sit outside eating a scotch egg in dignified silence.
There followed, an unadulterated torrent of appreciation in the thread; recognition of the kind of man he is, and how much women love his type. Women (and a few men) imagining all the lovely things Gareth would do —
He’d know to sort the laundry into lights and darks, and that the towels always need to be tumble dried even on a “good drying day”.@MummyBarrow
I hope my wife doesn’t see this. Every time I leave an annoying household task a day longer than I should, she’ll just destroy me with a purse of the lips and a “Gareth Southgate would have done it by now…” @hair_rayney
Gareth Southgate would duet with me on The Lion Sleeps Tonight and would continue the wim-ba-way line quietly whilst letting me enjoy the spotlight in the swooping lead vocals.@ChloePriestGrif
It was hilarious; go read it here.
And then came the Mr Blame-women-and-re-centre-men. OK, maybe he didn’t quite mean to say what he did, but isn’t that even worse? It’s like it’s second nature:
This whole thread is like discovering the Rosetta Stone. WTF haven’t women written this down earlier rather than just tutting when we get it wrong?
“Written this down”. Not “Oh wow, guys. We should have been taking notes earlier and trying to up our game”. Oh no. It’s the women’s fault because we don’t tell men what to do (ie. how to be better humans) but we sit around tutting when they get it wrong. So much to unpack there. So I did –
Me — (In answer to why we haven’t we written it down earlier) — “Because there aren’t many Gareth Southgates”
Woman-blaming dude — “But more could be created, with a little guidance”.
Me — (after massive sigh) “Do women have to do all your work? (Rhetorical.)”
It’s the same when we talk about sexual predators and abusers. There’s always at least one guy who jumps in with no stats but the blindingly obvious observation that men can be victims too, and outrage because women aren’t rallying around them.
So here it is guys, plain and simple. Not meant with any malice (because lots of us have men in our lives whom we love, and we need you on side anyway), but definitely with weariness:
1. When we talk about women as victims:
- We’re not saying it never happens to men
- We’re not saying you don’t need help
- We’re not even saying we don’t care about male victims (because caring about one thing doesn’t = hater of other things)
2. But:
- You guys have each other and
- You run everything (otherwise known as the Patriarchy)
- You left women behind a long time ago
- You even took steps to ‘keep us in our place’ (No voting, no property rights, no escape from marriage, no access to certain fields of education and work) And in some countries, this is still going on, just FYI
- Even now, when you could help us with laws and financing, you collectively still don’t. (Gender pay gap, public street harassment, rape prosecutions, etc etc)
3. So:
- What else are we to do?
- We have no choice but to help each other
- We can’t rely on men for help (yet)
- That s*** takes a lot of time and energy, particularly when there’s a backlash
And yet we’re criticized for not helping men and boys?
Don’t you see why, although we raise our sons and tend to our male partners, we’re not all stampeding to form campaigns and organisations for you? Not only are you streets ahead in most areas, we literally can’t do it all. While compassion has no limits, the twenty-four hour clock does.
And indeed, we might ask why should we be doing that work? The men that are attacked in the streets are usually attacked by men; and as the UK’s Office for National Statistics reported in 2020 –
In the years ending March 2017 and March 2020 combined, the majority of victims who had experienced rape or assault by penetration since they were 16 years old reported that the perpetrator(s) were male (98%). Almost two-thirds (65%) reported that the perpetrator was a male aged between 20 and 39 years. At the time of the most recent incident, most victims reported being assaulted by a male of a similar age to themselves
Do you see?
So how about a little reciprocation. The men’s groups trying to make the world a better place for women are still woefully thin on the ground, and are usually fighting for both men and women. I don’t have a problem with that, but it’s a lot easier to do that when you’re operating from the position of power, which women aren’t. Hence why most of us concentrate on the women’s issues.
It’s that simple.
—
Previously Published on medium
***
You might also like these from The Good Men Project:
—
Photo credit: iStock