Communicating From the Heart

A few years ago I was lucky enough to be involved with a woman who was older and wiser than me in many ways, and taught me a lot about the characteristics of a healthy relationship. She also helped me understand why I’d found it difficult to achieve that in my past.

One of her key principles was around the importance of speaking from the heart with a partner, rather than hiding behind generalities, or even refusing to speak about any topics that felt too tender – both of which I had done plenty of in the past

She helped me see that I’d spent a lot of my love life secretly suffering from a kind of ‘imposter syndrome’, which caused me to believe that I probably wasn’t really good enough for any woman I was involved with, and have a general anxiety that one day soon she would find out what a disappointing person I really was, and leave me. In the meantime, because it was such a mystery why any woman wanted to have anything spend time with someone like me, I used to lay low emotionally and not reveal too much about my true feelings. One of the most damaging patterns of behaviour that this pessimistic stance led to was my ‘quit before I’m fired’ approach, which led me to retreat from perfectly good relationships as a way to avoid the expected pain of being rejected!

After having this damaging attitude reflected back to me, I did seek out some counselling to help me understand where this negative assessment of myself came from. I concluded that it had a lot to do with my ‘father wound’, which is what’s created when a boy’s father is emotionally and/or physically absent from his life, and fails to provide enough  confirmation of his worth as a person and as a man – something which can only come from a father as part of a passing of the baton of manhood from one generation to the next.

Once I understood the root cause, I’m happy to say I made good progress with addressing this distorted view of myself, to the point where I really do believe that I’m essentially no better and no worse than any other man  –  and better at some things than a few of my fellow males, as they are than me. One thing that I found helpful was always trying to be being honest in my communication – especially with a partner – and using ‘I statements’ as often as possible. This is a way of expressing feelings directly, and also  making sure I’m taking responsibility for those feelings ,and not falling into the trap of blaming them on anything she may have said or done. This is always counterproductive when it comes to resolving any kind of dispute or misunderstanding –  with anyone, not just in an intimate relationship – because it disconnects us from the existential reality that we do have a choice over how we react to what is happening in our world. I found this to be a very validating and empowering place to come from, and it avoids the risk of anyone getting defensive and less able to hear and understand whatever it is I’m trying to share.

‘I’ statements also work well for me when I’m on the receiving end of something my partner is trying to tell me!  If I hear that she’s sharing what’s going on for her, rather than telling me what she thinks is wrong with me, I’m much more able to take that on board, and open to doing what I can to make things better for her without it triggering any of my old anxieties about not being ‘enough’.

I find that using ‘I’ statements is great practice for having the courage to own up to and share what is really going on for me – daring to be my true self rather than second guessing whether it will be met with approval or not, which is how the ‘not enough’ me used to operate. This for me is the main characteristic of a ‘real man’-  someone who is true to himself, rather than being any kind of ‘people pleaser’; an authentic individual who can be trusted because he’s following his own path and being true to his own heart.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything