I think that I am awesome. There was a study that recently came out that confirmed this fact. I was the only participant, but let’s not get stuck in the process. Let’s just accept the results. I’m so confident that being overconfident is one of my fatal flaws. It is entirely possible that you will read about my death one day as “Man builds his own rocket because how hard could it be?”
But that is the view of me that most people get to see in public. When I’m speaking or writing, that confidence comes through. What people don’t see are the moments when that confidence has evaporated. They don’t get a chance to witness the self-pity and doubt that have plagued me my entire life. And more importantly, the monumental failures that I turn into heroic stories. In those, I have the confidence that sometimes I don’t feel.
For the most part, this has worked out. It’s a life skill that has opened new doors. That confidence is what helps me pick myself up when I fail. That’s what I’m trying to teach to my teenagers. I’m finding it almost impossible.
At times, teaching our children confidence seems like a long shot at best. The nature vs. nurture debate comes up, as well as personalities, assertiveness, and a whole list of other things. And so many of these things seem out of a father’s control. They are abstract ideas without clearly defined goals and paths.
Not to mention why confidence is even important to begin with. Well, not to get too far in the weeds, but confidence helps with mental health, relationships, self-worth, and a whole other list of needs that haunt our teenagers. That’s why confidence is important; it makes them a better version of themselves.
In its essence, confidence is rooted in how we deal with failure. A failure of self, a failure of expectations, and a failure of performance. For something that I use so much to succeed, I’ve learned confidence much more from falling flat on my face.
This means as a father, I’m not teaching my kids confidence. I’m teaching my kids how to fail, and that is the difficult part.
None of us want to see our teenagers fall. We want to provide as much emotional safety as we do physical safety. These are the little people that rely on us and it’s a job that many of us take very seriously. But to help them, we need to push them out into the world knowing that they will get eaten alive at times. And we must be ok with that. That is our mental struggle, and honestly, I don’t know if I’m doing a good job of it as of yet.
I see a lot of failures in my future, but I think I have the confidence to face them. And that’s the most important thing my children need to see. I don’t think you can teach it any other way than by example. No matter how many books we read, Ted Talks we recommend, or sports stars we hang up on our walls—teaching how to face failure and bounce back from it requires individual experience. Our teens can get some of that experience by modeling our own behavior.
Which means we have to show our kids our own risks, both the good ones and the bad ones. We have to invite them to watch us fall flat on our faces and then show them how we dust ourselves off. And many of us can do this because we have done it so, so many times before. My first book The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad Manual is basically a highlight reel of my failures.
In our own stories, we are the hero but that is not always what our kids need. Men have been trained to be stoic, to take it on the chin, and to win. Half the time we can’t even define what that win looks like. But it is ingrained into us. And it takes everything in my being to not be that guy. To be vulnerable in front of my kids. They don’t always need the hero. Sometimes they need the clueless loser.
Luckily, I’m pretty good at being that guy as well. It’s very possible that I am wrong, but after fifteen years of being the primary caregiver to my kids, I don’t think so. I don’t think so because like I said in the beginning, I am awesome.
I don’t have to be confident that I am right. I just have to be confident to admit when I’m wrong and learn from the mistake. And that is the ultimate lesson we need to teach our teenagers.
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The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad: Your Essential Manual for Being an Awesome Full-Time Father
A practical guide for modern-day parenting geared towards stay-at-home dads, offering advice on everything from learning to cook and clean with children, to dealing with mental health and relationships, with the easygoing perspective that dads can use their natural talents to parent any way that they choose.
The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad manual takes the best advice and wisdom from a dads’ group, and puts it into a format to help new stay-at-home fathers. Characterized by actionable and direct advice to fathers, the book takes on parenting from a father’s point of view and encourages dads to use their natural talents to become a better parent. That advice is further bolstered by an additional 57 other dads who also give advice. All this advice is framed by the author’s personal stories, which help the reader connect with the content and drives the advice home. This is a book that takes on day-to-day parenting, not just as a stay-at-home dad–working fathers could benefit from this book as much as at-home dads.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
