Dating Advice from a Slow Learner

First of all I was about to provide a disclaimer letting you know that I possess no real credentials to be offering anyone any advice on dating or marriage.

But that’s not entirely true.

I do hold a masters degree and credential in secular educational counseling, and am going on 25 years of professional experience, and counting.

But even more importantly, I have graduated from the school of hard knocks, when it comes to dating and relationships.

The particular light bulb that lit up my thoughts on this subject today is observing the connection between a man and his mother.

This specific parent-child relationship is much more significant than most people realize.

Having observed many of these mother-son relationships in my own experience, including the precious one I delight in with my son and the caring one my husband has with his mother to name a few; it dawned on me that the delicate balance here is crucial for predicting the likelihood of a healthy marriage.

And the most striking example in my own life was watching my daughter observe the way her now husband lovingly appreciated his mother while they were dating, before marriage.

She also noted the kind, patient and respectful way his father treated his mother, which made her feel rightfully safe and secure in their relationship. (As it turns out she was spot on with that assessment for predicting the kind of grace-filled, loving husband she was gifted from God.)

When I mentioned “delicate balance” what I mean is that evidence of genuine love, kindness, and respect between a parent and child is a great indicator of potential for a healthy marriage.

But at the same time, that relationship should not be so close that it appears to be impossible for your potential spouse to “leave and cleave” (Genesis 2:24).

Whether we are talking about future healthy marriage indicators based on a mother-son relationship or a father-daughter relationship, both are equally significant to be mindful about when dating.

This is not to suggest that one cannot experience a good marriage when the healthy parent-child relationship did not exist.

I personally know of two pastors who married women who came from less than ideal (perhaps even abusive) childhoods.

Although I do not live with either of these married couples, all visible signs point to happy marriages in each case.

So it can be done.

But it’s not necessarily ideal or easy.

And most of us who were schooled by hard knocks relationships that hurt our hearts deeply, know that marriage with the hope of changing, fixing, or saving your partner is a bad idea.

Thankfully, there is ONE who saves so we don’t have to put that kind of pressure on ourselves.

We celebrate that ONE this Christmas season.

And honestly the BEST possible dating advice I could ever offer anyone would be to listen to Him directly for guidance on dating, marriage, and then staying married; when times get tough, which they inevitably will, because we are all human works in progress in need of much grace and forgiveness.

We tied the three strand cord together as a symbol of our stronger unity with God centered in our marriage.

And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threestrand cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12

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We also chose Ephesians 4:2 as our marriage verse to live out until death do us part:

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

And we used the book pictured twice above to complete pre-marital counseling with a pastor (also pictured above) from our church.

This was another lesson learned by this slow learner from previous painful relationship experience, and that insightful phenomenon we gently refer to as 20/20 hindsight.

Earlier when I shared a glimpse of the wonderful kind of man who married my daughter, I neglected to mention the amazing Dad he is to my granddaughter.

This comes as no surprise to any of us.

But this week as I have observed him caring for her by going out of his way to bundle her warmly in the colder temperatures or pre-testing the temperature of her hot cocoa before risking her burning her tender mouth on the first sip;

I was reminded of my own relationship with my Heavenly Father who guides me, protects me, provides for me, disciplines me, heals me, and comforts me with each baby step of this incredible adventure called life.

Scarcely had I passed them when I found him whom my soul loves. I held him, and would not let him go until I had brought him into my mother’s house, and into the chamber of her who conceived me.

Song of Solomon 3:4 ESV

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Once you’ve found the one your soul loves, stay married.

Coffee is always appreciated 🙂

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