At my writers’ group last night, a younger guy had written a story about going to a writers’ group filled with old women. OUCH!
Is that really how he views me? I put myself in his shoes. When I was in my twenties, how did I view people over 40?
Now that I’m single again, how do I view myself?
I have to admit, when I first started dating after 18 years of marriage, I was sure I’d have no luck. After all, I was a one-breasted, overweight woman of “a certain age”.
Yet just a few weeks ago, I was asked to “hang out” by an adorable 20 year old…. I agreed to hang out, but made it clear we were just friends. I didn’t feel comfortable dating him. He could have been the son of one of my friends. I also don’t want to date people decades older than me.
Fortunately, most of the men who ask me out are closer to my own age, in the +/- 5 year range. Which is better, because we are more likely to have a mental and emotional connection, common interests, and so on.
What is hard to adjust to however, is that everyone over 40 has baggage.
If a guy is over 40 and he’s never been married — is he commitment-phobic? Or the victim of trauma? One such man broke down in tears when he told me about the death of his fiancee. I held him as he cried, knowing it was probably our last date.
If the man’s been married but is now divorced, then there is other baggage.
Sometimes he’s the reason for the divorce. Maybe he has a temper, or addiction issues, or can’t keep a job. These are things you try to find out early, so you can quickly rule him out.
Other times, he is the innocent party. Maybe she cheated on him. Or she left him because she decided he was too “boring” or didn’t make as much money as she liked. Sometimes genuinely good guys get dumped.
Unfortunately, this can make some of them bitter and angry.
Even if that is not the case, there can still be difficulties. Maybe the poor man is grieving because he deeply loves his children but his ex has alienated them. Or maybe he’s struggling financially because she took him to the cleaners.
These are all the issues that lie hidden when you date people over 40. They are like the under-water parts of an iceberg, the dangerous 90% that you can’t see. You have to somehow detect them anyway, and navigate around them if you want to keep your sanity.
The thing is, men are doing the same thing. Women over 40 have baggage too. This is where a sense of humor can come in handy.
When we acknowledge our flaws and learn to accept them with grace and laughter, we can open our hearts to another flawed human being.
That brings me to the good stuff about dating in middle age. People are less superficial. They’ve lived life and for the most part they’ve discovered that the external stuff is not what makes you happy. The men who ask me out are mature enough to be seeking more than just a hot body.
I try to allow myself to be aware of their baggage without judgement and to appreciate what they do have to offer. I try to see them as people. I try to keep a sense of humor. Sometimes I click with men and sometimes I don’t.
Ultimately we are all just imperfect people doing the best we can. We are all looking for the same thing. Realizing that makes it so much easier.
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This post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Shefali O’Hara