Had to add this intro because this has been in my drafts for nearly a month I’m not sure why I haven’t published this extremely vulnerable and personal piece for me, as if this platform hasn’t already seen my open wounds.
I, of course (in any true bloggers fashion), have edited to make more up to date with what’s going on currently in my life. However, the bulk is the same. Not that it really matters.
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I’ve been on 17 first dates since May. A lot of them I don’t call back, a few of them ghosted me to only return when I post a selfie or risque photo on social media.
Why have I been on so many dates? A lot of people will argue that I am using dating as a distraction. My therapist argued that I was using dating to not have to focus on myself, and although none of them are wrong — I figured out my why.
Because I didn’t know what I wanted in a person.
Do I care if they wear joggers or sweats?
How do I feel about graphic tee’s?
What about loud chewing, or slurping?
What exactly is chemistry and how do I know when it happens?
What kind of questions am I supposed to ask?
How much information do I give them the first time around?
I knew none of this. So I treated dating like a hypothesis.
And then I stopped dating. I didn’t go on another date for two months and after my trials ended, I think I did pretty OK
Now, where does anxiety come in to play here? I have an anxiety and ADHD condition, I’ve had it my whole life. I find my escape in writing — which is why I write so much. It get’s my mind off of things. I have so many unpublished stories. With my specific story of anxiety and ADHD if I’m not busy or sleeping, my mind is at a mile a minute. I have a hard time focusing and I can’t seem to think but the worst in every situation.
Now, I’m not the type where I overreact when I’m not texted back for a few days. I let it go. I remind myself that not everyone is for everyone and this game is all about finding your match, and let it go. I went on 2 1/2 fantastic dates with a guy I referred to my girlfriends as Mr. Model and he was charismatic and fun and funny and all of the things I enjoy. But he wasn’t for me. As we left the last date and he walked me to door — he said “let’s do this again soon” and I blushed and turned to open my door. I waited two days before texting him a flirty enjoy the long weekend text and then never heard from him again. He didn’t even respond to that one. I knew after 3 hours or so that I was being ghosted based on the texting habits he had shown the last few weeks.
I spiraled a little. Why won’t he text me back? Why can’t he just tell me he isn’t interested? What did I say? Why do I have to open up? Why can’t I just keep my vulnerable side at bay? Why as soon as I open up do they run for the hills? What is about me?
In that particular situation, I never got the answers but I wrote about it — here and saved it in my draft folder and never looked at it again. And then I was ghosted again and the cycle continued.
So I stopped opening up. I stopped showing my heart
I have a rule that I thought was the problem.
I don’t sleep with someone right away. No nookie before at least date #3 if I feel comfortable. Yes, I said nookie. That has ruled out over half of the 17. Which I’m okay with. But then what happens to the chemicals in my brain if after date #2 I never hear from them again?
They go numb. I’m used to being let down at this point. I no longer open myself up to people because they typically only want one thing. Something less than casual.
My rule is not always the problem.
Sometimes I am. Sometimes I am too myself and I’m learning that not all can handle that (I’m a lot, but I have been told by everyone who loves me not to tone it down because that is who I am) I ask a lot of questions, I like to get personal, I want to know what makes you sad, happy and what turns you on. Maybe sometimes I get too personal.
The right person won’t mind.
Questions like the ones I ask often calm my anxieties when they ghost though. Because in those questions I learn things like:
He is afraid of commitment (Aren’t we all)
He has issues with one or both of his parents (I mean, same)
He may not want kids (Me neither)
He’s in the middle of a big life change (If only he knew)
I remind him of his ex (I can relate)
I have too much going on (who doesn’t)
and so much more.
These things make them all human, but most importantly, they make me understand that it’s simply fear and what do people fear most? Change.
***
I wonder if I’ll ever make it to date #3.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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