Dear Bathroom Scale, It’s Not Working Out Between Us

Dear Bathroom scale,

I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but I’ve had enough. I’m leaving you.

It pains me to say it, but my relationship with you has always been fundamentally unsatisfying.

Lord knows I’ve tried to please you! I’ve done everything I can imagine to make your life easier.

I know you don’t like it when I step on you abruptly and force you to bear all my weight at once. I know this makes you spit out a huge number as if you’re saying, “Ooof!”

I’ve tried to make it easier for you bathroom scale.

Aren’t I always careful? Haven’t you noticed how I delicately place only one foot at a time in order to give you a fair warning of what’s to come?

I never force you to take all my weight at once. It’s only after I see your digital face come to life that I apply my second foot, and even then I only do so after bracing myself against the vanity.

I don’t want to startle you dear bathroom scale. I want to allow you the space to warm up to our reunion.

As I slowly ease off the vanity, you aren’t provoked into any hysterical reactions.

I watch the numbers tick, tick, tick by as if you understand me. Again and again I’m fooled into thinking you aren’t going to reach for the extreme.

And then, at the last minute, you add on another twenty pounds just to spite me all in a massive rush.

What’s up with that?

After all I’ve done for you, you still respond with that disrespectful, “Ooof!”

Believe me, I treat you much better than I treat other scales.

Whoops? Did I admit there were other scales?

Well, as long as we’re telling the truth…

Bathroom scale, I’ve cheated on you!

There’s a scale at the doctor’s office. That scale means nothing to me. Nothing! Our time together is only ever savage and humiliating.

Perhaps it’s not any comfort, but I never show that scale the same consideration that I’ve given you.

That’s right, we abuse each other! We both leave crying every time!

I don’t even take my shoes off with that scale! I just jump on! Street dirt and all! And, oh, that scale has been so cruel to me, bathroom scale! It always adds another twenty pounds even over your rude exclamations.

Almost, almost, that doctor’s scale makes me remember how close I came to loving you…

But then there’s the scale at the gym!

Yes, that’s right, I go all over town because I know you’re lying to me! Cry if you must! Don’t you think I’ve cried?

The scale at the gym is one of those fancy counterweight scales.

What’s that? Like the tramp at the post office? Absolutely right! But the one at the gym is HUGE!

You should see it, it’s positively gigantic! The counterweights are right at eye level. I don’t even have to squint!

Believe me I’d bring that scale home to live with me if I only had the space. That’s how wonderful it is!

Only that scale understands me! Only that scale is accurate! It always claims I’m 5 pounds lighter than you ever did!

How does that make you feel?

Oh, you don’t think I zeroed out the gym scale correctly? Of course you’d say something like that!

You just can’t accept that I’ve finally found happiness!

With you, it never mattered how long I starved myself.

It never mattered when I cut out sugar from my diet.

Or fast food.

Or fried food.

Or bread.

Or ice cream.

Or fried ice cream.

Or fast food fried and breaded ice cream covered in sugar!

No matter what I did, no matter how carefully I tread upon you, you always belittled me with your spitefully inflated numbers.

Well, it’s over now. You won’t have me to kick around anymore.

I think we can both agree that we need something new in our lives. We need a new start. A fresh start!

And so, I’ve purchased another scale. And this time I hope it’s a scale that will be true to me. This time it’s a scale that I hope will recognize the efforts I make.

If I skip breakfast in the morning, this scale will reward me with the loss of a pound or two.

Maybe three? Why not? Why not indulge me? I’m worth it! I deserve it!

So, goodbye forever bathroom scale. I wish I could say we had some good times together, but we didn’t, we really didn’t.

What’s that? How do I know this new scale will treat me better?

I set it to kilograms.

It’s already telling me I weigh less than half of what I did before.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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