I see the way Mom works hard.
I see how tired she is,
how she tries to not be angry, but there’s just so much going on that all her energy is gone and I’m not helping the situation.
I see how she wants more from life but she can’t have those things because we’re here.
I see her sense of duty.
I see her sense of self.
Duty reigns over self.
Duty is all.
I see that Dad works hard.
Money is tight and working harder means dreams are closer.
Stress is good because it means that we’re getting more done.
I see that Dad is always balancing—
life, mom, us six kids, and his own hopes and dreams.
At the end of the day, if the plates fall,
duty reigns over all.
I see my siblings.
I see that we all struggle.
I see that even though Mom taught us to hold our breaths and Dad taught us to paddle our arms and legs, nobody taught us to stay afloat in the world of expectations, judgment, and fear.
I see myself.
I see that I can always be better.
I see that perfection will always be just out of reach.
I see that I am good, but not great.
I see that I was blessed, but will always have to work harder.
I see my dreams.
I see my hopes of moving away and going to school.
I see how tiny our world is and how badly I’d like to break beyond the borders.
I see how distorted my view of life is and how I blindly believe in what I’m told because I don’t know any better.
I see myself growing older.
I see that I try to break away from the ties that bind me,
but that I’m the one holding onto the chains.
I see myself wanting more.
I see myself remembering that dream of a better life, but not having the courage to step outside the world that I had once wanted to break.
I see myself listening to the voices that tell me, “this is good enough” and accepting that “not everyone gets to live their dreams”.
I see myself now and know that younger me needed today’s version of me.
I see that I took a long time to learn to tread, and will work hard at making sure others don’t succumb to the water like I did.
I see that the world I once lived in is just a puddle in a larger world of water.
I see that better does not mean perfect.
I see that the opinions around me are white noise and I can drown them out instead of drowning in them.
I see the power and motivation it took to become who I needed when I was younger, and here I am.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Andrew Dunstan on Unsplash