Depression Is a Loss of Hope

Depression is a deep subject, and if you feel depressed, I urge you to go to seek medical help in whichever form calls to you, that you trust.

One contributor to depression is a chemical imbalance in the body or brain, another could be an emotional hardship, or a life circumstance that is challenging and difficult to navigate. Loss of hope can come from many areas; lack of motivation, feeling like nothing will ever change.

All of these aspects are possible, and depression is a very personal journey. If you need to take SSRIs to rebalance your serotonin levels, then that’s wonderful, go ahead and do that.

Contrary to the medical narrative; depression is not only the fact that the body has a chemical imbalance.

I have been depressed, on and off, for my entire life.

The book Lost Connections: Uncovering the real causes of depression — and the unexpected solutions, written by Johann Hari, put forward the discussion that we define mental health all the time, without recognising that emotional health is an aspect of that.

It’s not until recently that I have been able to honestly feel what I feel. What do I mean by that?

I have been in therapy for a year and a half, healing from trauma in childhood. In that process, I have been moving, and healing the trauma in my body; stuck aspects of my existence.

Trauma is frozen energy.

Recently, I have been taking a somatic intelligence course with Chen Lizra. I have reached the place now where I can feel how the trauma impacted me, in my body. Whereas before, I wouldn’t be able to access them, and that was necessary for my safety and survival.

This inaccessibility led to depression, though, because I knew that I couldn’t feel what I needed to feel, to progress myself out of this situation.

My depression shows up in many ways.

Part of it is learned helplessness; the other part comes from the hopelessness of experiencing childhood trauma, and the myriad narratives that keep you scared and stuck in the world.

• Am I safe?
• Can I trust them?
• Do I trust myself?

Does that describe why I’ve been laying around listening to Roy Hargrove blow wistfully into his trumpet for three days? No.

I just like doing that when I’m depressed, it helps me to understand how I’m feeling.

The greatest artists all understood the depressed state viscerally, and have translated it for us. A majority of musicians recognise and understand depression.

According to this study, musicians are three times more likely to experience mental health imbalances than others. Not only because of the way our society is structured — where music is valued as a commodity, it’s the way that the music industry is structured; stringent pressure to perform perfectly, extremely tight scheduling burning people out, comparison culture, commodity sales model.

A third of musicians, in this study, suffer from an eating disorder.

I regularly experienced musicians skipping dinner because they wanted to perform better. It’s the norm in the industry. I also knew a Korean model who didn’t eat anything the day before a photoshoot.

It’s also the fact that making music is a heart and soul exercise; you need to battle with the inner hero’s journey to make an album. Then you need to tour it, and perform it vulnerably every night. Then people go home and look up your music for free on Spotify.

Lost Connections is plastered with quotes from Elton John, Brian Eno, Naomi Klein, Matt Haig, George Monbiot, Davina McCall, Simon Amstell, Emma Thompson, Alastair Campbell.

A set of concrete weights, tied to personal daemons, follow me around. All the dreams, of actualising something in the physical world that I have, are affected by these, ready to tie me down.

I’ve been revisited by this ‘black dog’ after having experienced a good six months of productivity around my podcast and writing these articles.

I believe that everything in life is useful; that it visits you as part of a contract that you have with experience. If you’re not ready to learn the lesson behind the depression, then that’s fine, rest up, it’ll pass, then try to understand it next time.

If you can pay attention to it, there are some profound lessons to learn. I’ve been learning to accept my depression. To connect into it, and to peer underneath its heavy veil, here’s what I found:

Deep rest

Depression can be a sign that you’re moving too fast in something that needs respect. If you’re learning, retraining, or trying to integrate a new skill, and you’re not giving it the proper respect, then chances are you’ll experience burnout with depression attached.

Stop and listen to your body. Take a night to relax, have a bath, watch a film, or do something refreshing.

Lost connection

Depression can be a sign that you have lost connection to the things that serve you. All of us have priorities set around a specific set of values. If you experience disconnection from these values, then you’ll start to feel it.

Our happiness and fulfilment are tied so deeply to the things that make us feel bliss. The things that light us up with vibrant energy. If you start to lose sight of those things, or they change slightly to an unfulfilling version, then you’re feeling will become dissatisfied.

That’s a sign.

Instead of trying to find the self-help bandaid solution for this, why not turn and face the monster? See the monster shrink down, until you’re faced with your inner child, crying for help.

Tied in with anxiety

Depression relates to anxiety. In the UK, some 40% of all disability (physical and mental) is due to mental imbalance. Research has found that anxiety is a cousin of depression. You shouldn’t be surprised that two of the most significant states of human experience are entwined, it might be a little surprising just how intertwined they are.

Anxiety and depression are different disorders. Anxiety is characterised by fear and apprehension…Depression; on the other hand, centres around the idea that life is already bad, with little hope for the future.

Here are a few ways that depression and anxiety can sit within the same experience:

• Those with depression may still fear the future is getting worse, or be afraid something terrible will happen despite otherwise having less hope.
• Those with anxiety may have depressive symptoms often as a result of their anxiety, but anxiety is the central condition (especially true of panic attacks).
• Some show symptoms of both, but not all. For example, some may feel life is not worth living (depression) because nothing good is happening. They have hope or wish good things will happen, which is less indicative of depression and more familiar with anxiety. Unfortunately, it can become cyclical; when a person becomes anxious, they may have prevalent thoughts, which they can’t escape. This may result in a feeling of failure, which can develop into depression.

Like anything, being too invested in the rigid label of what you do and don’t have is not advisable. Only recognise it as far as it helps you to find harmony in your life.

Drugs can give you space, but they don’t necessarily solve the imbalance

Based on the Lost Connections book, there are two sides to the antidepressants research. Antidepressants or anti-anxiety (SSRIs — serotonin increasing) can be an excellent short term solution.

One of the biggest proponents for these drugs, Peter Kramer, also stresses that the evidence he has seen only makes a case for prescribing them between six to twenty weeks. Beyond that, the evidence gets thinner. You get a window with these drugs, like a buffer zone.

A choice is supposed to give a gift to you, rather than become the crutch that you rely on to be who you are. The other side of this argument is Irvin Kirsch’s research around the percentage that the drugs are useful. The answer is a small percentage.

Many factors in this research allowed people to recover, and heal, from their depressive state: being surrounded by attentive and empathetic family and friends; exercising; having a purpose; the placebo effect.

Masking a hopelessness

Depression is essentially a loss of hope.

Turning to face this hopelessness is essential to clearing up the depression. Otherwise, the body will cycle through the depression endlessly. If you get keen on the cycle, then you can become aware of the different stages, and which ones you might have more control to respond. Remember, and especially for anyone without depression, that people who experience depression are extremely strong and capable.

They can exist in the world and experience the kind of things that depression brings. Breathe, do what you can, and remember to take self-care seriously.

I didn’t feel safe to feel that

Depression can be a recognition that you don’t feel safe in a space, coupled with a feeling that you’ll never be able to change it. Recognition is significant here, once you’re aware of this, then the possibility for change comes into your environment. You’ll be surprised what can change if you ask for it in love and kind words.

If it’s a deep need for you, and it’s not being fulfilled, then it will affect your life. It will begin to erode your relationship to trust; your own, other people’s, in Great Spirit, in life. It will begin to erode your confidence and your ability to make decisions. It’s vital to seek outside support in these scenarios, someone who can be impartial and reflect you. Who can help you gain clarity around what you need?

Integrative thoughts

I have only put forward some ideas from my own experience in this case, and the reading I have done around depression. Each person has their journey and fulfilling it will take self-enquiry. If nothing else, depression gives you time and space to journal, get creative in some way, sit and chat with friends, or enjoy time in nature.

I know from my own experience, that when in a depressed state, I want to lie in bed and do nothing; however, getting up and doing one of these things always helps. Pick your content carefully.

I have music that allows me to wallow, and I have music that picks me up. Either one is fine if it helps me to get through it, but if the state is lasting too long, then I need to choose the music that picks me up. That’s a discipline and a discernment. If you’re struggling with depression, my sincerest heartfelt sympathy goes out to you, and I wish you well on your journey of understanding around that.

What are you going to implement in your life, around your depression?

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This post was previously published on Invisible Illness.

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