Why short men who complain about “double standards” are missing the point.
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Teenage boys love bonding with each other by discussing the teenage girls they fancy, but when I was a teenage boy, I often fancied girls that other boys found unappealing. They told me I had “low standards” and mocked my personal tastes. It was hard to pursue girls without worrying about the judgment of other boys, so when I found a particular girl attractive, I would often go to my male friends for confirmation that she was in fact attractive.
We can’t control what we’re attracted to, but we don’t want to be perceived as shallow, because that’s an unattractive quality, too.
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I always imagined that, at a slumber party somewhere on the other side of town, girls were doing the same thing about me and my friends. I imagined a 5’10” girl remarking, “I don’t care if he’s shorter than me; I think Giorgio’s cute.” Then I imagined all of her female friends unloading Hobbit jokes onto her until she recanted. What was my evidence for this? I had none. I just always assumed girls talked about boys in the same chauvinistic, self-centered, emotionally devoid way that boys talked about girls.
From what I actually knew, though, girls weren’t complaining about our physical appearance; they were complaining about our fixation on their physical appearance. They wondered why boys cared so much about the size of their breasts, the tightness of their clothes, their natural body hair and their choice not to wear make-up. Girls who didn’t get noticed by boys slut-shamed the girls who did, and they called us boys shallow for liking certain girls over others.
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Well, on the one hand, we were being shallow. We were assigning value to certain girls over others based on our own physical attraction to them, and we deserved to be called out for that. On the other hand, the only ones calling us out were girls we didn’t want to date, and doing so didn’t make us any more likely to date them; it just made us feel bad about ourselves for not wanting to. We can’t control what we’re attracted to, but we don’t want to be perceived as shallow, because that’s an unattractive quality, too.
An older woman has fewer options when pursuing a mate, as does a shorter man.
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Women can’t control what they’re attracted to, either, and as I’ve learned, most women are naturally attracted to taller men. If you’re a shorter man, chances are you don’t like hearing this, just as women don’t like hearing that most men are attracted to thinner and younger women. However, while marrying a tall man is a lifelong investment, marrying a young, skinny woman is not. A tall husband will not get shorter, but a waify wife will age. A woman who marries solely based on height will not be disappointed in the long run, but a man who marries solely based on youth & small-waistedness probably will be. If women want a monogamous lifelong partner, the best strategy is to find their tall prince and marry him at as young an age as possible. If men want a lifelong monogamous partner, we have to adapt, and part of our adaptation requires us to change our standards of attractiveness. We have to learn to see the beauty in our wives’ wrinkles, stretch marks, and surgery scars, even if evolutionary instincts tell us we need to find a new partner who meets our old standards.
Shorter men often compare their height to women’s weight in order to show a “double standard,” and the comparison works to a point, but often times, it’s taken too far. Shorter men will often say things like, “A fat woman can lose weight, but I can’t make myself taller. It’s not fair.” This is its own form of fat-shaming, and it completely misses the point. What they’re trying to say is that they don’t choose to be short, and if they could find a way to make themselves taller, they would, because they want women to be attracted to them. By drawing the analogy between men’s height and women’s weight, though, these men imply that women are overweight by choice and therefore deserve to be single, and that shorter men deserve affection because they have no control over their undesirable quality.
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Sometimes, winning another person’s love requires us to appeal to their shallowness, and it’s a shame that so many of us try to win love by condemning that shallowness, instead.
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An analogy between men’s height and women’s age, although still not perfect, works better here. Women can’t control the fact that they age, just as men can’t control their height, but men place a much higher value on women’s age than women place on men’s, and the opposite is true with height. An older woman has fewer options when pursuing a mate, as does a shorter man. When an older man finds a partner much younger than himself, women his own age will resent what they perceive as “shallowness.” When a petite woman finds a partner much taller than herself, men her own size will also resent what they perceive as “shallowness.” In both instances, we can’t control what we’re attracted to, and rejecting someone we aren’t attracted to is not “shaming,” but tormenting a person for being “shallow” is.
When it comes to being shallow, we all have different ideas about what “society” allows. Some say “society” encourages us to be shallow, while others say “society” shames us for our natural attractions. In reality, our shallowness, whether right or wrong, comes from a desire to pick the right partner, whereas “shallow-shaming” only comes from a place of fear and hurt. Sometimes, winning another person’s love requires us to appeal to their shallowness, and it’s a shame that so many of us try to win love by condemning that shallowness, instead. We have no right to objectively judge a person’s worth based on our own superficial preferences, but others have no right to objectively judge us for forming partnerships (or rejecting prospective ones) based on those superficial preferences, either.
What BS have I just read?
Beauty standards are highly influenced by the media and differ from culture to culture.
People really need to travel more…
Yeah? Where would you suggest I go that short men won’t immediately lose the attention of a woman the second a taller man walks up to them?
In fact, this is a serious question, because if there’s such a place, I’d immediately go there if I became single again, and I’m sure other short guys would flock there too, just to find a place where they don’t need to be at least 5 times better, in every way, than a guy 5″ taller than them, or 10 times better than a guy over 6 feet.
The true double standard is not in height-weight or even height-age, but in the fact that we condone pickiness in women, even to the point that thinking she is noble and empowered for having a 25 bullet point list of must haves, and condemn men for saying “no” to any woman for any reason and expect him to justify himself for the choices he makes. I’ve seen many women on here sitting in judgement of the dating choices that men make as though they get a say in what we should and should not like. So long as people are… Read more »
I can’t seem to stop posting here! But something else occurred to me: “This article is directed at shorter men who *complain* that women won’t date them while refusing to acknowledge their own superficial biases.” There might even be some truth in that in my case. When you’ve been rejected by every woman you’ve approached, there are no women you’ve turned down to consider, so there’s little chance to examine your own biases. You have to instead consider the women you don’t approach, and why. In my case, it was probably just women who were quiet, shy, and difficult to… Read more »
Why? We never ask women to do the same. Why is it only men who are persistently told to re-evaulate what they want?
I know. Double standards persist, and it does seem like this particular issue is skewed heavily against men in general. But that’s not really what I was getting at. I was thinking more along the lines of trying to determine your own biases for yourself. There are many reasons to try to learn this about yourself. Here’s one good one: You can find out why it is that you seem to be attracted to a woman who is clearly not a good choice. It’s nice to be able to say, for example “I’m not really interested in this woman, but… Read more »
Ha no women are. Ever seen beauty and the beast? Have you ever seen a basic/fat dude with a beautiful women? Women are consistently taught to look inside and see someones beauty. Men, not so much.
To everyone who commented, thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts, particularly Anthony. Physical attraction is not exact science, and none of what I write is meant to “speak for” all men, all white men, or all women. I’m observing and analyzing trends in how people choose partners, and I only share personal anecdotes when I feel like they can be applied to other people’s experiences, too. Nobody on this comments thread knows me or what I’m attracted to, but since it’s been brought up, I should note that I have dated women taller than me who found me… Read more »
Man, extremely well said! In my opinion, the volume of commentary on this article should tell you just how much you’ve done to advance a particular discussion that some of us really want to have. Clearly, you’ve opened up something for me, as I’ve written things here that I haven’t thought about, or felt able to talk about for YEARS. In my case, as I said in my very first sentence, this discussion came up right at the perfect time for me, as I’ve been thinking about these things a lot recently. So hey, thank you! I’ll be taking particular… Read more »
Older women are no more interested in dating the shorter guy than the Jr High girls were. your offset for height is money, fame, high career position, or political power. Cruise the dating forums, 40 to 55 year old women still are not interested in dating someone that is not taller than them when they put on their favourite 4 inch heels, by their own admission. 6 foot seems to be the magic number, with very few exceptions, if she ended up with someone shorter she will convince herself that she settled, and will monkey branch out the FIRST tall… Read more »
I wish I could categorically refute this, but I can’t, and anyone who tries is in denial, or basing their argument on particular anecdotes. All I can say is, your chances with older women get “better”, but it’s never a level playing field.
I’m a tall girl, 5’9″, and when shorter guys asked me out, I always felt like an Amazon. So NOT sexy. Even though clearly the guy was attracted to me, being bigger and taller than the man I was with me feel unfeminine and even freakish. I know this was irrational but I couldn’t help it!
That said, I have an aunt who is 5’9 and her husband is 5’0
As I said in my first comment in this thread, assuming you had explained this to me, you would have been one of the women of whom I said “I never blamed any of them, and would usually thank them for their honesty”. We probably would have been friends, if it was worthwhile. 😉
I make no apologies for what I’m attracted to. The issues I usually have with people is that they assume I’m only attracted to the physical person. That’s not true although it might seem that way because we make our initial selections based in what we see. There’s a woman I know who I just couldn’t decide whether she was pretty or not. She’s about 5′ 11″ tall. Not thin, but not obese when I first saw her. She’s put on a bit of weight due to stress. She doesn’t particularly doll herself up. She’s a self proclaimed tom boy.… Read more »
“once we get to know people and start to care about them as people, we don’t see them the same way.”
Very true that, and thank god, because otherwise, I’d still be single. Sometimes it takes a decade or more to finally move out of the friend zone, but I managed to not be resentful when it finally happened, and instead accept that being a lifelong friend eventually allows you to overcome the “superficial” biases that most people seem to have.
it was good reading, Anthony. Gave good first person perspective. I am, or was, 6’1 so it is something that I never really dealt with or thought about. Always good to learn.
The good news for all of us is that in the end, we only need to find one, the one…so we have that going for us all….i guess.
Thanks yeah. I’ve had my moments. Getting such a late start had it’s own unique challenges, but then everyone has their own unique issues to get through, and I probably dodged a few bullets as a result of mine. Even some of the friendships I’ve had with women over the years probably wouldn’t have been as rewarding as they were, had there been any mutual attraction to pursue, and we’d gotten together and “flamed out”.
Enjoying this discussion, as it’s a topic that comes up so rarely. I hope other people find a voice in these comments.
I guess I should stay out of this conversation. I was attracted to a short Mexican and married her. I’m still 6’1″ and she’s 4’11” (probably shorter now with age)… She’s the youngest that I ever dated, she’s 6 months older then me.
“……….most men are attracted to thinner and younger women.”
This only applies to most WHITE men.
You don’t speak for minority men.
You don’t speak for all men. I’m an extremely attractive 50 year old woman & I can’t keep the 20 something men away from me. What you fail to realise is it doesn’t matter if you’re young or old or tall or short. Confidence & charisma is what people are attracted to & you either have it or you don’t! So please don’t speak for anyone but yourself as luckily everyone has their very own perception of beauty. Otherwise we would all be chasing the same people!
kinda missed the point there huh?
Me too. I am a very attractive 58 year old, with a 33 year old boyfriend. I hate shallow men, not because they are not attracted to me, but because I am also smart, kind, funny, and those qualities don’t ever get mentioned. It’s always something about the way I look, even when I point out that I’d rather not be ‘thinged’, meaning, viewed as an object for viewing pleasure. It’s an icky feeling.
“We can’t control what we’re attracted to…”
Really?
Again, no responsibility. No accountability on the part of women for their behavior.
Yes, really. How would you suggest a person goes about making themselves attracted to someone they’re not? Or vice-versa, for that matter? I suppose one could pull it off with operand conditioning. Every time you see a person you shouldn’t be attracted to but are, you get an electric shock. Uh…
Anybody else feel like this trend in which every sort of negative interaction is branded as “-shaming” is getting out of hand? And I’m only 5′-6″ so I’m not a hater. Admittedly though, I am a bit surprised at these stories because I’ve never felt like there was a scarcity of short women around (relative to us, that is). If you really need that extra bit of height, you can eke out an extra 0.5 to 0.75 inches rocking some chukkas and nobody will think twice. Maybe moto/combat boots if that’s more your thing. Lastly, I would say that while… Read more »
I guess it’s all down to personal experience. Don’t get me wrong, I found a lot of women shorter than me I also tried with. Ended up in the “true friend zone” with a few of them. You know, the one where you really are one of their best friends for many, many years, ‘cuz they were so awesome as friends that you could get past the fact that they “don’t think of you that way”. I watched them date, marry, and have children with a parade of men I met and got to know, who only ever shared the… Read more »
I dated a woman who I thought was about 5′ 6″. She was 5′ 2^. Your shoes will never be taller than her heels. I’m 5′ 7″ so I’m on the short end, but never really found that to be a problem when I was younger and fit. One of the things you could do is bulk up. 17 inch arms on a 6′ 3″ guy is OK., but on a 5′ 5″ guy. it’s impressive. Won’t help you though if you can’t put on size and weight. I’d look into legal supplements. One woman told me she liked taller,… Read more »
Yeah, and this is part of the point. You have to be so much more impressive than average to make up the difference for being short. Believe me, it was no secret that I was making unholy amounts of money back then, and that I could lift a stuck car off the ground and out of the snow with my bare hands (admittedly, the back end of a Chevy Chevette, but still). That story got told a lot at parties, and it was also never in question that I usually footed the full tab whenever I was out with a… Read more »
I for one really enjoy reading your story, Anthony. So Thank you for sharing.
…and further to my last sentence, some advice to short guys. Don’t do the platform shoes. Women pick up on that immediately, and you’ve just telegraphed two things: You’re short, and you’re self-conscious/insecure about it. Even if you’ve somehow met that rare unicorn who would have been attracted to you despite your height, that second part just threw up a red flag, and you probably blew it. I can’t take credit for this advice, as I was too young and stupid (in my early 20s) to realize it on my own. It was my only brief period of weakness where… Read more »
Wow. This article echoes a lot of what I’ve been thinking about lately. I’m 5’5″ (and change), so I’ve dealt with this my whole life. I had the added “handicap” of looking scrawny no matter how much I worked out. At the gym, whenever I’d put 300 lbs on the bar, non-regulars would always be like “that guy’s going to hurt himself!” One thing I found that was an interesting wrinkle. At least a couple dozen women I asked out cut straight to the issue themselves, saying something like “I know this is gonna make me sound shallow, but I’m… Read more »