By now, you might have some awareness of dismissive avoidant behaviors if you have kept up with my writing.
One primary element of dismissive-avoidant characteristics is the desire for alone time or isolation in general or when facing turmoil or turbulent times.
But.
Do you ever wonder what a dismissive avoidant does in their alone time?
If you are the dismissive-avoidant, can you define why that alone time is meaningful to you?
It is hard to gauge because it may vary from individual to individual, but there are some common roots to why.
It feels healthy, but it can be destructive.
This inner peace you feel from isolation is created by ignoring a process that would prevent you from needing to be alone in the first place.
It’s important to discuss why it feels beneficial and then break down ways you can combat your instincts and transform your behaviors to create inner peace without the need for isolation.
Take a second and answer that question above if you are the dismissive-avoidant. Hold on to that answer and see how it compares as we break down this thought.
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Deep breath
Do you ever feel like you need to take a break and take a second to think? We all do.
The dismissive-avoidant feels the same way, but there is a difference.
The break turns into a feeling of wanting to escape, and the second to think often goes undefined.
The feeling of wanting to escape happens sporadically. It can happen in times of stress, being overwhelmed, anger, and even at will with no direct cause.
The dismissive-avoidant subconsciously thinks that with isolation, they can get to baseline.
What is occurring is that you are in survival mode if you are executing this plan.
You are trying to create a world where the problem you are facing does not exist, and there is no timetable for when you approach it and attack it.
You are also creating a gap between yourself and others involved in what developed your feeling.
It feels like you are moving closer to a resolution because it is your method of self-soothing.
The problem is that you’re desperately trying to get back to baseline without addressing the core.
Slice of heaven
When you prevent yourself from having to attack the core of the issue, you are trying to get peace and stability in your life.
It feels like you are in control, so you can regulate the volume of turmoil you’re facing.
Dismissive avoidants don’t respond well to volatility, and this can primarily be in your relationships.
You will be in a relationship with someone you love, but when you face hard times, you want to separate yourself from that person.
You feel like you regain control over the situation or dynamic with your partner.
Again, you are lengthening the gap in resolving the situation, and now you have opened a new issue, not being communicative.
It feels peaceful because you are creating a bridge between you and anything or anyone being able to influence your logic.
You are creating a snowball for disaster.
- You are not communicating to your partner or source what behavior triggered your reaction.
- You are building a belief that the issue takes an insurmountable amount of work to resolve. In reality, you’re making it that way.
Hang up the phone
Once you close off the road to communication and separate yourself from the issue, you feel like you have unloaded responsibility.
All you have done is sweep it under the rug.
If you are a dismissive avoidant, I bet you have resolved a problem without needing to talk about the issue.
Then, if the issue persists, it brings you to a level of blowing up or isolating again.
Do you see the cycle that you’re in?
You are finding a sense of serenity by using the alone time to recharge.
Instead, that time is to process your emotions and discover a way to communicate your feelings.
That’s if you have even gone to the level of communicating that you need an allotted amount of time to do so.
Give me the keys
You have to create an action plan to undo the feeling of inter-dependability and understand that you cannot resolve problems alone or without communicating how you feel.
I do not recommend allowing yourself any time for isolation, but let’s say I let you use it as a starting point.
Put the emotion out there to be heard by others. It is ok to feel angry or disrespected and need time to think.
Define that time. Minutes or maybe hours. Not days.
Focus on the behavior that created that feeling and strip away your need to apply that feeling to the object.
- You aren’t necessarily mad that insert person made you angry.
- You feel angry when someone overtalks you in a conversation.
Needing ten minutes to settle down because you are angry about a conversation is healthier than storming out and locking yourself away with no context.
Ideally, you will accomplish this without needing to be alone. Your goal is to stop applying feelings to objects or people, being the reason they exist.
Stop creating something to isolate yourself from.
You can also lean on your partner for soothing. When you present the problem from the beginning, instead of running away, you provide them with an item to self-reflect on.
You can clear the air instead of harboring a feeling that will turn into resentment.
I want you to eliminate the excuse you give yourself that allows you to run to isolation and feel validated doing it.
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While working on converting your attachment style, remember that it takes months to years.
The changes you can implement on that path can take days and weeks if you dedicate yourself to enforcing them.
You are challenging your belief system, undoing decades of learning, and developing new behaviors.
Don’t take this lightly, and you will be on the path to success.
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Want to learn about the triggers that lead to dismissive avoidants needing time alone? Get a free guide here.
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Photo credit: Shea Rouda on Unsplash
